DD selling her body online

There are so many influences that pressurise young people into sex work these days.

Everything from sex worker's unions at Freshers Week events, peer pressure, new age cults, even news stories in the media.

Also the money can be massively helpful and it does not make much sense to pretend otherwise.

OP, my advice to you would be exactly the same as for a parent whose child is invovled in a cult.

Don't try to dissuade them from their path. Stay in touch as much as possible. Show a genuine interest in their choices and let them know that you are there for them and will support them whatever their choices.

Always show loving curiosity about her choices and if there is something that really concerns you ask her to explain it to you in such a way that demonstrates that you are taking her seriously.

If you push her away or engage in conflictual dynamics it will push your DD further towards people who likely do not have her best interests at heart.

Pimps and exploiters will take any opportunity to drive a wedge between a vlnerable young person and their loved ones.

Your DD needs her mum now more than ever.

I went to uni over 12 years ago and I knew quite a few classmates who cammed. I believe it’s even more popular now because of OnlyFans and the like... she’s not the first and she won’t be the last.

I wouldn’t cut her off. That just teaches her that you aren’t there for her. I don’t think it’s a given at all that she’d eventually come back to you or the family, I know plenty of people who are estranged from their parents and have no contact, too.

How did the rest of the conversation go? Can you guess at what she wanted from it, from how she bought it up? Does she feel guilty that you don’t know? Was she seeking out your opinion? Does she want financial help?

Keep talking to her. You haven’t failed. It’s a different world and this is relatively easy money, but an awful idea, and she’ll see her way through that. Keep her onside, guide her where you can and support her to make better decisions - but it is her decision.

If I’m honest, there were times when money was really tight and friends were getting good payouts for what seemed like little work, and I considered it. The only thing that really stopped me pondering it further was that I wanted a career in law, and I was told these things would come back to haunt me in law/finance/politics etc. Otherwise I don’t think I’d have done it, but I don’t know. To 18 year old me, it seemed a million miles away from selling my body on the street.

I feel so sorry for students these days. This time for them is meant to be pretty carefree and fun, but instead they pay/borrow huge sums of money, aren''t getting much tuition for it, and can't even mix among their peers properly. No wonder some want to do what your dd is doing. It is constantly at the back of my mind, as my dd is at Uni too, and I know if the financial situation got really hard she would consider this. I don't know if she would actually do it, I hope not,, but I wouldn't blame her if she did.

Bloody hell that's a bit harsh!

What lesson would that be teaching her? Make a mistake and you're on your own?

She's a grown up. OP can't dictate how she behaves.

I can't tell you what to do OP. But if it was me I would put my foot down, tell her the reality of the situation, and threaten to cut her off from the family if she doesn't change her ways.

And if she doesn't change her ways, then I probably would cut contact, until she realises the errors of her ways and comes back to me / the family.

Sometimes, people need to learn things the hard way.

I’d be fucking livid. But she’s an adult and makes her own decisions now, even the poor ones.
You can’t palm this off of friends, if everyone of my uni mates was camming I wouldn’t ever ever do it.
I would talk to her about the potential of serious harm to her mental and physical health but other than that I’m not sure what you can do.

Tell her that with facial recognition technology improving it's wise not to do this for privacy and safety reasons. She might think she's anonymous, but she certainly isn't for those who are resourceful.

I read some kind of article about this recently, which was quite scary in terms of how things escalated. The woman involved initially thought it was quite safe and harmless, but found the things people asked her to do kept escalating and it was harder to say no to the more extreme things after having done other things for them. Also I think there had been elements of blackmailing her (threats to release images?), and requests to do real-life things, and I think some of the men had tracked down her details (address etc). I seem to remember something about her posting knickers to men?

Unfortunately I can't remember exactly what it was or where I read it, and sorry it's a bit vague but I'm putting it here in the hopes it might jog someone else's memory who might also have seen it and be able to remember more about the article? It was definitely a cautionary tale, and might be worth sharing with your DD if we can track it down...

Just wanted to add to those saying you have not failed as a mother in any way. She has made her decisions, not you. Many useful suggestions above about how to approach this with her but I'd say you need to be non-judgemental and supportive

She’s going to potentially ruin her career prospects by doing this, the images could resurface. It could affect future relationships and children.
Are her friends doing it?

I feel for you, OP.

What would worry me these days is, as noted above, that her images can and probably are likely to be recorded and shared elsewhere. She won't have control over it. The internet is such a tricky mix of permanency, disposability, privacy and lawlessness. She is careful to keep her real name concealed, I hope?

Agree with queen of knives, above, that it's great she's talking to you about it. Keep supporting her, keep talking to her. Can you help her out financially? Offer a loan?

I have a fabulous friend who is now a college prof, used to work as a stripper. Wrote so eloquently and movingly about it - I'll see if I can find some of her work online. Ultimately, she became very disillusioned with it.

All best wishes.

It's sadly very normalised now in certain circles. What they don't discuss is that any kind of disgusting man in her area could find her content, and stalk or harass her about it in real life. Nude images don't stay private on the internet.

I've resurrected an extremely old name for this post as it's all still very close to the bone for me. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago with my uni age daughter, and without going into too much detail it ended up with her being stalked and the police and CPS being involved.

I don't feel comfortable saying too much as it's her story not mine, but it was all horrendous for a while and in some ways still is. And that's the thing that might give your daughter pause for thought. Mine was all very cavalier about it - 'everyone does it these days Mum, it's fine, you don't know anything about it' - but when it went wrong it went badly wrong. As the saying (almost) goes, a stalker is for life, not just for Christmas. The men who are the end users of these services are not always decent, well-adjusted people.

Like lots of girls her age, the internet is an integral part of my daughter's life, which was a factor in how she got drawn into this. Now she can't do anything online with a public profile. All her accounts have maximum privacy settings and she can't use certain platforms. She works in an arts/media field but can't have an online portfolio of her work with contact details because he'll know where she is and where she's been. She can't advertise any freelance services. She can't have a linkedin account. Employers in her field expect to be able to see an online presence and she is hugely disadvantaged by not having that.

She truly thought she was doing something empowering and so much better and cleverer than going out to work for minimum wage in a shop or pub, but just didn't realise the potential implications. I don't think she ever worried about her safety, but I think if she'd been aware that her future freedom could be so compromised she would have thought twice. Once you've given away your privacy and anonymity it's almost impossible to get it back.

Those posters saying ‘my daughter would never do this’, you are supremely unhelpful. OP, you are not a bad mother, and your daughter isn’t bad either. This is a result of a clash between pornsick, misogynist society, the all-consuming influence of the internet in young people’s lives (particularly instagram, in the case of many young women) and libfem ‘sex work is work’, girlpower culture. I’d agree with pp – keep the lines of communication very much open, lots of affection and conversation, listen for subtexts in what she’s saying, and grasp any opportunities you can to boost her self-esteem.

Good luck. Sending strength and solidarity your way. (And to think, we thought the terrible twos were challenging!)

I can understand your worry about this but I don't think it is a parenting fail on you - young people can have a limited perception of risk and I can see how she might have seen it promoted on various platforms as a cool thing to do and some of her friends might have a similar perceptions with some rose tinted glasses.

In my 20's I shared with a group of people and one girl (now a well regarded international business consultant) made some serious plans to become a medium scale drug dealer because she needed some fast money and another was making enquiries about becoming an escort. We all had various debates and discussions and thankfully both girls did decide that it wasn't going to work for them but it took a while to decide.

I wonder if it would get the message across if you got more involved? Say 'Dad and I thought we would check out your channel/whatever it is and give you some feedback' .... I read something recently where a girl was on one of these sort of sites and putting in crazy hours and getting paid a tiny amount so it might be that she finds that it is not going to work for her after all.

I always say to my kids, never post anything online that you are not happy for your grandma to see.

Best of luck to you and she is lucky that she has you to worry about her and support her when she needs it.

The chances of people getting hold of the pictures/videos and sharing them around is slim as she will likely be using a subscription service, along with thousands of other girls

You can just aim a camera at the screen out of view from the webcam to record anything going on or use tech that the sites cannot detect. This was actually a topic covered on The Stranger on Netflix where the mother was blackmailed to stop the release of her daughter's images.

Other students will come loaded with money and expect to live a comfortable middle class lifestyle meeting friends in coffee shops, using taxis, and ordering takeaways, nice clothes and posh cosmetics, and going to clubs and bars. Is she trying to keep up? Are there ways in which she can save

The number of moving into uni halls videos I have watched where some 18 year old moving into a brand new building with an en-suite declares the en-suite is small is astounding. Or things I eat in a week and it is avocado on toast with a poached egg on top. Ds1 is in year 13 so we are watching to see rooms and food choices.

So this could well be about money, lifestyle etc. It is very sad that she has felt the need to do this. I did have mates nude modelling when I was at uni, I was asked and I said no.

I would ask about the money, and why she needs it.

It is possible to hang out with a frugal crowd and not spend much at all.

Other students will come loaded with money and expect to live a comfortable middle class lifestyle meeting friends in coffee shops, using taxis, and ordering takeaways, nice clothes and posh cosmetics, and going to clubs and bars. Is she trying to keep up? Are there ways in which she can save.

The other danger is drugs. There are a lot around and often stronger than they were. Most will be fine, but some students will get sucked into the rabbit hole and find it difficult to see a way out.

Depending on where your conversation is at, I might duck the main issue and talk about budgets.

I couldn’t imagine either of my DDs doing this when they were students. They took jobs delivering leaflets, working in shops, and doing shifts in call centres. I raised them as feminists, with good self respect.
OP, I’d ask your DD what happened to her self respect and why she is demeaning herself to be the fodder for men’s wanking.
It might just shock her into realising what a sordid world she has chosen to inhabit for money. Could you help her financially, or could she get a loan - interest rates are very low just now - or find a less squalid occupation instead? I’d be worried this was a gateway to prostitution if it escalated.

She is talking to you about it, which means you are in a great position to support her. Keep talking to her. I honestly wouldn't be giving her things to read or trying to persuade her. I would just keep getting her to talk about it. Ask her what she likes and dislikes about it. Ask her about the men she's interacting with. Let her know you're concerned about stuff like screen shots without pushing her to make decisions on it. Just keep talking. Good luck with this. And find someone to talk to yourself, to give you a bit of support.

Nothing more helpful to add other than to say you absolutely haven't failed as a mother. While I love my mother we can't talk about a lot of subjects. You have a good relationship so she felt confident to tell you. Be proud of that. Some excellent advice about possible next steps has been given. I hope things work out.

Here you are OP: A DIY guide to feminist cyber security.

hackblossom.org/cybersecurity/

Is it on OnlyFans? I know a lot of women on there. I’m 25 and currently it is the very ‘in thing’. If so, the positives are that often these videos are quite tame, and people have to pay to subscribe on a subscription, and you can confirm who subscribes. It’s not like PornHub or anything, and a lot of girls are using it to get through uni. I don’t agree with it nor do I see it as empowering - but it’s not a reflection on her character so don’t feel like you’ve failed. It is worrying for you, but it’s not a reflection on your parenting, either. I think perhaps sit her down and make her very aware of the consequences and how she’ll feel when she’s older. You never know what people will do with these videos.

I feel your pain OP, I'd be very upset and concerned too.
I think your priorities must be to keep lines of communication open and not risk alienating her - you are obviously a great mother as she has felt able to confide in you and ensuring she is keeping safe.
ShopTattsyrup gave some excellent advice.
Not to add to your worries, but whilst it may feel safe, doing this in the privacy of ones room rather than actual physical contact there have been one or two bad cases where women were encouraged to harm themselves by men who enjoy watching violent porn. I'd encourage you to discuss safety and boundaries.
Also are you aware of the group Nordic Model Now? You may find some experienced help and advice through them.

nordicmodelnow.org/

You should also check she is taking adequate precautions regarding internet safety. I'll look out a good guide to internet safety I have tucked away somewhere.

Finally, I know students are having an incredibly hard time just now, with a lack of casual jobs available. Are you able to offer her financial support to help her so that she doesn't need to do this? I realise she may see this as easy money and quite lucrative so that may not be an option.

And rather than blame friends - she may have one or two who are concerned for her or she might even be keeping it secret from them. If you know any of her friends or are able to be in contact with her flat mates I'd discreetly keep lines of communication open there too.

I think that pointing out that screen grabs are always going to be taken and will be outside her control is a good idea.

The young tend to be liberal and short sighted.

At that age I thought porn and sex work we're empowering and that radical feminists were grumpy old prudes. I did some work along those lines myself. I know people who did much worse.

It's easy to think that getting your kit off is empowering when you have a youthful and in demand body that people will pay for and haven't yet seen what it is to be a woman in society. I thought feminism was won when I was younger. We'd done it.

So point out some things such as the screen shots, send her some Gail Dines, but don't call her wrong for doing it. The chapter Visible or Invisible in Dines' Pornland is great.

It essentially says that to be visible in a pornified society girls have to present as overly sexual. She also adds that at such an important age it's not fair to ask girls to render themselves invisible, so we can't blame the girls for doing it.

And don't you blame yourself for having a daughter who's affected by the society we live in. Women and girls are sold the happy hooked myth everywhere. Don't alienate her. It's like having a loved one in an abusive relationship. She needs to be able to come to you when she realised she's gone wrong.

Good luck OP. Love and strength.

Lots of girls seem to do this at the moment, I know of a couple personally.
I guess the attraction is an easy income without standing at the checkout at Tesco's for 8hrs at a time.

The chances of people getting hold of the pictures/videos and sharing them around is slim as she will likely be using a subscription service, along with thousands of other girls.

I do feel for you though OP, I wouldn't like to be in your situation, as whatever you say against it she is unlikely to listen.