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Parenting advice in The Atlantic

54 replies

contactusdeletus · 29/09/2020 00:15

Just came across this piece on The Atlantic. A single father writes in to complain that his young daughter's friends aren't allowed to come for sleepovers when she's at his. (She lives half the time with her mother, who is still part of the same circle of friends - presumably there is no issue with the other girls staying over when she's at mum's and has some female supervision.) Dad is understandably hurt by this, but can't seem to see past his own feelings of "but I'm not a threat, I'm a Good Guy!!"

What really stunned me was that the therapist - a woman - didn't respect the boundaries these other women had set at all. Their concerns for their daughters were brushed aside as insignificant, and they were painted as, basically, "reverse-sexist" bigots who were teaching their daughters to fear men for no reason. I couldn't believe it. No acknowledgement of the very real statistical risks. No invite for him to see it from their point of view, or realize it's not all about him. No attempt to find a compromise, like taking them bowling or for ice-cream, so they can build happy memories in a public space instead. Nope. Nothing. Just "you should get your ex wife to talk to these women and guilt trip them into relaxing their boundaries".

I couldn't believe what I was reading.

www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/09/dear-therapist-my-daughters-friends-arent-allowed-play-our-home/616484/

OP posts:
Kantastic · 29/09/2020 00:55

His repeated emphasis on "sleepovers" is odd. The three letter acronym that shall not be named has taught me that many adult men have a fetish about girls having "sleepovers."

And setting aside the sleepovers, I do think it's odd that his daughter's friends are not allowed to come to the house at all. I am a much more cynical person than this therapist, I think. Because this suggests to me that there's a reason they aren't allowed to come. None of her friends, really? Not even for a few hours for a "playdate?"

I think there are some very important details missing from the story. And that woman who answered him is an idiot. And yes, you are right, the petulant outburst at the end of his letter where he implicitly threatens to isolate his daughter is quite alarming, and she skipped it completely. I'm glad she's not my therapist.

Thelnebriati · 29/09/2020 00:50

Three of my DC's friends were raised by single parent fathers and its never been an issue, because they act appropriately and don't give off creepy vibes.
Its really odd for all of your mates to be banned from sleepovers at your house, if this was me I'd be doing some serious self reflection.

notyourhandmaid · 29/09/2020 00:46

I started off being quite sympathetic to this guy (or someone who is hypothetically in this situation, not sure how real this letter is) but the more I look at it, the more I think: "Dude, you're whining about not having little girls who are not related to you staying overnight in your house. The fact that you do not know this sounds incredibly creepy makes me think these other parents are very wise."

Original poster
contactusdeletus · 29/09/2020 00:20

Notice that it's sleepovers in particular he's pushing for. At worst, he's a predator in disguise. At best, he doesn't care how uncomfortable these girls or their parents are - he wants the validation of being able to do everything her mother can do for her, and he won't stop til he gets it.

In the final paragraph it seems clear to me that he's considering banning his daughter from sleeping over at her friends' houses if their parents don't allow them to stay over at his. He's seriously suggesting depriving his daughter of contact with her friends because his feelings are hurt. And the so-called therapist doesn't say a thing about it!

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