My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

Do you think it's just a rebellious thing?

It's a naive, determined-to-be-woke thing.

My 23 year old son refers to this as "delusional wokeness." He's right.

In the interest of maintaining a good relationship with your daughter, a little bit of playing along might be necessary. And to have the contraception talk, not just re: pregnancy but STIs.

You're not going to logic her out of this, and if things do get dodgy (for whatever reason), though I very much hope they don't, you'll want to have the kind of relationship where she can turn to you for help or a shoulder to cry on.

Your DD can't be anything but angry and defensive in the face of your thoughts on this relationship because she knows damn well there's no logic or rationale to the idea that this lad is a girl. Better not to argue with her lest she feels she has to choose one relationship over the other. Teen love is fierce and a kind of madness of its own.

Listen to her, bite your tongue as much as you can, and try to get to know him. If he feels welcome I would predict he will be more likely to treat her with respect, which would be my major concern. As long as your DD is safe and well everything else is irrelevant and will pass with time.

My DD had some hair-raising boyfriends in her teens, none of them lasted thank goodness!

Also, good news about your dad, phew!

"I'd rather be rude than a fucking liar."

She wants to shock and provoke like all teens. Do not give her the satisfaction. Tell her you're happy for her, ask her if she would be okay with you telling your friends she is a lesbian and see wants she says.

Honestly I would even go further and troll her by telling her your DH has discovered he feels like a woman and you are now a lesbian too!

I would ignore that little wrinkle. Follow the same rules you would if she were dating a boy who believed himself to be a boy. Talk to her about safer sex, consent, and contraception.

I agree it’s an insult to lesbians, but I would ignore that part for the moment.

Pretty difficult situation, but thank God it's not complicated by your dad's lesbianism.

The trans girlfriend doesn't 'think he is a girl', she is a girl. Whether this person has a penis or not is irrelevant and not your business.

You treat this like any other relationship - straight/bi/same sex, whatever. Have the safe sex discussion with your DD just like you would for any relationship.

Why does it matter what she defines herself as in the couple? Why not a lesbian? Why should that matter?

Be supportive and be there for your daughter. That will speak volumes and go a long way.

I also don't think MN is the place to come to find out about trans issues personally. There are plenty of more inclusive places to ask for information if you are willing to learn.

I think by reading your post, you are willing to learn and understand and be supportive. And that is a great first step.

Bite your tongue. No good will come of that conversation at this time.
As long as this person treats your DD well, and they practice safe sex I would leave it. They're very young and this won't be her last relationship.

But she has to describe herself as lesbian in order to validate the belief that her partner is female. She can't say "Yes darling, I totally believe you are a woman" but then describe their relationship as heterosexual.

So what is your daughter's new paramour actually like? A decent person? Into the political side of transactivism.

And your daughter, does she really believe this person is a girl?

But lesbianism is same sex attraction. Not same gender. It's a genital preference (amongst other things). Seems so simple.

I read this and thought AND your dad is a lesbian, that's way too much to deal with!

Joking aside, I agree with others - the less cool you are about it the more appealing it will be and the more defensive she is likely to be.

Make sure she has access to contraception.

DC try and shock us - ignore. There comes a time where you have to step back and trust that you managed to instill good values and self respect and the confidence to carry it forward. They get there before you do.

In a similar situation myself. I model myself on the woman in the Special K advert who carries on as her daughter makes ‘statements’.

Well at least your dad isn't a lesbian.

You don't sound hateful, OP. You sound perfectly rational.

That bites. You could point out what a woman actually is-adult human female-and explain that only someone with a female's reproductive system can be a woman. Remind her feelings and impressions aren't facts, no matter how strong they are.

I agree that it could be some rebellious phase. Or maybe she just really likes him so will put up with anything.
She's still quite young so you have time to open her eyes.