My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

I can imagine this is hard to deal with. What I will say is recently I've been giving some thought to what I was like in my teen years/20s and fuck, I was a right twat. I was a decent enough person, kind and thoughtful and hard working but some of the ideas and ideals I held, with the absolute righteous certainty of youth, are pretty mortifying now. So open minded my brains fell out but also weirdly right wing. And the relationships I engaged in were, quite deliberately, utterly unsuitable and toxic. I feel sick to my stomach thinking back.

I'd stick to biological facts and let her get on with it, then be there if and when she needs you. Easier said than done.

I’m no expert but if it was my DD, I’d just let them get on with it as you would have done if the partner wasn’t declaring themselves to be a girl, they can refer to themselves as “lesbians” but I wouldn’t be going along with that part

But, I completely agree with this and the majority of posters

As long as they are using protection and are in a good relationship its probably best to keep quiet

Really sorry, it must be very hard for you 💐

I'd be in the blithely ignore camp and just be polite and not oppose or invite discussion.

But you've piqued me with the fact the trans girl/woman is older.

Some people (mostly men) seek out partners who are younger so they have more control. Anything over 20 in the situation would set my gut off that they were actively seeking someone not established in terms of sexual identity and preferences.

A relative of mine in her early a 20s had a boyfriend who started wearing skirts and changed to a female name. She then said she was a lesbian and referred to her as her girlfriend. I couldn't get my head around the fact that in bed they were a man and a woman Fast forward about 7 or 8 years and in her 30s she's grown up and married. Her father declared at the time that the boyfriend just wanted to people to know he was out there. He's still wearing his skirts but my relative refuses to talk about that phase she seems very embarrassed

Just re-iterate to her ''You are NOT a lesbian. Your boyfriend has a penis''

My own DD is 20 and at Uni. She has told me a lot about her (platonic!) friend 'Ben'. Well, it transpires 'Ben' is actually a girl called Beth, who prefers 'He' over 'She' now Ben, is only interested in other Men, and classes herself a gay male.

No amount of pointing out to her that her friend is biologically female, and her sexual preferences are males, which would put her in a hetero=sexual bracket would suffice.

Anyway, I got my DD to watch a bit of Posie, and she actually cried in anger! I made it VERY clear which side I stood on.

Anyhow, long story short, it seems the absolute rage to use pro-nouns interchangeably atm, and I'm done.

When you say ‘older’ how much older are we talking here?

You child go around cheerily announcing (as my mum did on occasion) “DDs a lesbian - well at least a lad will never get her pregnant!”

Does she really not understand how it all works? I’d be pointing her towards the lesbians in the family and say ‘ok as them then, see what they say - women with experience and all that - tell them what you think...’. Only seems to be the straight relatives who seem to think this...

I would be resigned to the relationship, but there’s no way I would tolerate my DD pretending to be a lesbian anymore than I would tolerate her pretending to be black.

*did think

I would treat this in the same way as identifying as black. It's offensive and appropriative, even when it stems from ignorance. Actual lesbians have been marginalised since forever. You can be correctively raped or murdered in many parts of the world for being lesbian. I would have to make my surprise and disappointment clear on that basis. Good luck! What a tricky situation.

You don’t sound hateful. These are worrying times. Young love doesn’t always last so maybe it will run its course.

Not much you can do, but if they are sexually active I would do everything possible to get her on "double Dutch" contraceptive (hormonal birth control AND condoms). Last thing she needs is a pregnancy with this deeply confused young person.

I agree with the general consensus that a general non-shocked 'that's nice dear' response is probably best.

But, this bit did stand out to me: She was agreeing more with me but then met this person and now discussion is out.
I would gently encourage her to think carefully about the health of a relationship where she cannot ask questions or have a discussion with her mother. And I wouldn't let it go uncommented on if she tried to paint me as a nasty stereotype.

Doesn’t seem to be an answer as in, I don’t know what can change what’s happening with the language around sexual preferences and the LGBT community are going to have to work that out in a way that doesn’t exclude lesbians.

Acting not bothered probably the best way to go. The more of a rise the more it pushes them together. First relationships, especially statement rebel ones rarely last. Is the girlfriend nice at least? How do they get on with their family?

Mention contraception. It doesn’t sound like the gf wants to push your daughter to become trans, so your daughter is not making any lifechanging decisions. Try and hold steady. If they are together and happy and your daughter isn’t suffering then try to let it go unless she is getting distressed at their behaviour in which case be like you would with any relationship issue with your kids.

As with any relationship, it will go well or it won’t. Until a majority of Lesbians are able to reclaim the word back it’s out there being floated around unfortunately. Doesn’t seem to be an answer for the changes in language.

Maybe keep an eye on your dad though 😂

I don’t see how they’re doing anything wrong. Just educate your DD about consent and safe sex and let her get on with it. She might be trying to wind you up, in which case she’s winning.

You could always ask the little love bird round to meet your da though. They might hit it off.

I thought one of the concepts of being a lesbian is that you're not aroused by male genitalia?

Surely it falls under the realm of being pansexual instead on your daughter's part where she's attracted to the person but doesn't care what's between their legs.

My DD is a out and proud lesbian;I joked to my hubby once that at least we won't have to worry about our teenage daughter coming home pregnant but reading this has made me realise we could be fudged there.

The world is different to when I was a teen that's for sure but life is life right?

I'm also glad your dads not a lesbian too