My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

But if her transgender partner is transgender then that's who she is, she's dating a woman, not a boy. So what if she still has male genitalia? Either way your daughter is old enough to explore her security in a safe way.

She is acting like a child. Refusing to listen, getting hysterical, emotional blackmail...

It's true she's not a child but she's 17... I'd barely conceptualise her as a child at that age, some 17 year olds don't even live with their parents anymore, or they've been kicked out lol, and the last thing a 17 year old wants to be called is a child, it's so infantilising. She's a young woman basically.

I think the role of the parent at that age is to say “that’s lovely dear” and be accepting and supportive

When my children came home with completely unsuitable new partners, I pretty much did the oh they are so lovely shtick. Because I knew damn well this would not last. It's rare for a first love to be the only love of anyones life. Although at the time the child believes it will be, plenty of evidence out there to say different.
I would do as a pp and find brilliant books about lesbianism and probably troll them in a way. Embrace your wonderful lesbian daughter to the max.
Show your support by introducing her and partner if there to everyone as an out and proud lesbian. Gush on about how lovely they have come out if the closet so young. Blah blah.
When she is older she will probably cringe at it.

Sorry I'm feeling exhausted and dramatic and very sad because I am shocked my thinking is so rigid.

Bit of a change of tone there OP

My DDs best friend was in this scenario at 16/17. Now 22, got a boyfriend, never mentions anything about it. Was a phase.

'Your minds are so open your brains have fallen out'!! Genius.

So we are now at the point that we can't attempt to protect our daughters from unwanted pregnancies, STIs etc which could affect their health because the lady dick won't make the uterus haver pregnant?
Fucking excellent.

The deletions on this thread are a joke. We can’t talk about males calling themselves lesbians now ? I thought what I wrote was within the guidelines and have no idea why I was deleted. Lesbians are women attracted to the same sex. This is a heterosexual relationship. Many trans people agree with me on this, so why the deletions ?

OP you don’t need to be more “broad minded” This is incredibly offensive to all women, lesbians in particular , and your dd is very young. Someone upthread called her an adult..she is 17 ! Not an adult. Stonewall should be at the front of the fight against this, calling out homophobia, but instead they are shoring this up, to keep those fat salaries rolling in, now that same sex marriage is legal.

A thought arising from an email discussion with MNHQ, on the topic of their reasons for enacting the loss of my post-deletion virginity.

The OP's dd is involved with someone her parents have barely met, has undergone sudden social and emotional changes, seems to be being encouraged towards alientating herself from her family, with whom she was previously open and talkative and is clearly very upset about something. This coincides with her new relationship.

Something is very wrong. The sex and gender of the dd and her new friend are not necessarily relevant here.

Might that be helpful as one way to look at things OP?

My two kids partners I mean.

Maybe it's different with DSs but I spent very little time with my two partners at that age. It was "hi" if we were in a room at the same time and that was it.

She will soon move on to the next one.

[quote MothsAreSadButterflies]@NonMumInterloper wise thoughts thank you..

thank you everyone kind enough to advise me. I have ruined it though. The chance to accept DDS partner...I had a chance to be accepting and open and my fears and refusal to be open-minded have caused a schism. I think she hates me. I feel like my gut feelings about DD falling for a transwoman are based around fear of the unknown, that everything is going to be harder dating 'her' putting them at risk on trains or in public, of being attacked or singled out .. and at the heart of it I can't accept 'she' is a woman, not really. Not lesbians.

I have a lot of work to do to learn a new acceptance and change my thinking...at least if I want to keep my DD.[/quote]
Oh OP.

"My fears and refusal to be open-minded have caused a schism" – is so hard to read.

Your feelings have not 'caused' anything – you have every right to feel the way you feel and the fact that your DD has had a big reaction doesn't make them wrong, nor does it even mean they're the cause of her reaction. She's managing a lot of internal chaos at the moment with all this, too.

You feel a way she wishes you didn't feel. That's OK.

You're both allowed to have the feelings you have and they're all equally valid.

She also wants to 'keep' her mother, much as it might not seem that way.

Leave the door open. You'll find a way through.

Or more briefly, what's so hard about 'agree to disagree'? It's a concept we all have to learn to embrace, if we wish to function in a plural society, as we mature.

Just as a general recommendation, not particularly relevant to this case as it happens - since this dd's BF seems rather evasive, quite the opposite of seeking to charm the parents into offering their blessing to the relationship - I would recommend the film 'An Education', starring Carey Mulligan. It's a nice bit of social history, if nothing else.

I was prompted to think about it the other day in the context of a case of what appears to be some level of coersive control, in my wider field of acquaintances, in which the husband does in many ways, have a pair of very intelligent, educated, capable parents, eating out of his hand and deferring to him. It is interesting, if disturbing, to watch, in real life.

That film popped into my head and I realised that it is not only the less educated, unworldy, provincial parent that can place themselves in a position of actively nurturing a coersive boyfriend or husband.

My general point, which might have some relevance here, is that there is a very fine and nuanced line between acceptance and encouragement, between supporting the one you love in making their own choices and endorsing, so cementing, a particular path. Also in choosing not to comment upon disquieting observations, so as not to rock a fragile boat, thus failing to cast light upon events which might later have coalesced to illuminate a pattern and a problem.

I don't envy you OP. I agree that what really matters is whether this individual is kind. I agree with pp that any attempt to prevent your dd from talking openly to you would be deeply concerning. I also think it is very, very important not to allow yourself to be 'persuaded' into saying things you don't believe (and I've just 'got' a reference I saw the other day, on another thread, to dogs and horses).

It's "be nice and play along" on a family level.

Whilst you can bite your tongue be accepting OP, you should not be ashamed to point out the biological reality that her partner has a functional penis and sex can result in babies. Contraception is not hate-speak. Heck, even if it were a same-sex attraction, you would still be talking about STD safety.

There's basically no way to be shocking cool and edgy for them because their parents stole tattoos, tongue piercings, goth, grunge, bulemia/anorexia and music festivals.

Can't believe you put eating disorders, actual mental health issues that are life-threatening, in the same category as rebellious "edgy" behaviours.

I think making your views clear to her and then leaving it at that will be better for now. Last thing you want to do is push her away if she ever does get concerns about it all, you want her to be able to talk to you. I’d go as far as saying you don’t want to discuss it if she brings it up at all. I know that sounds hypocritical to wanting her to talk to you about things but if it will only lead to an argument an agreement to just know each others views, be supportive but make it clear you don’t want her to try and change your mind by discussing how this person is meant to be a lesbian, if refuse to refer to their relationship as one and if she has an issue with that, it’s okay, but you have your opinion and won’t be discussing changing it. I’m not there at the moment with my two as they are both under ten but that’s how I’d approach it I think.

Your thinking isn't rigid, its consistent and factual. Children need consistency from parents, not ambivalence. You haven't rejected your daughter or her friend.
You are her parent, not her best friend.

OMG, my first ever deletion - and I've been on MN, often stroppy, irritable, direct and argumentative, for almost a decade.

For a very measured post too, in which I wrote only in the most general terms - and in a way that was gently supportive of the OP, (yet at the same time of her daughter), reassuring OP that all would be well, in time - which is, after all, what this site is for.

The thought police are out in force today!

The bottom line, which you're butting your head against, is that someone being gay requires nothing of anybody else. The gay person is free to choose their partner, to do consenting adult stuff together and get on with their lives.

A gay person can flourish in their life and sexuality without requiring anybody else to say anything they believe to be untrue, to do anything, or to give up anything. There is literally no demand upon anyone else.

You are having demands made upon you, to say things you don't believe and to show obeisance to a belief system you do not subscribe to.

Religious converts can be annoying and some are actively evangelical. They don't require non-converts to speak in the terms prescribed by their belief though - or think that this could be possible. They do not think that other people's failure to become part of their religion challenges or invalidates their own belief. They might look down upon, or feel sorry for the heathens and infidel but they have the self-assurance, the strength of belief, to get on with their lives despite the non-believers' existence.

This is not what the partner wears - it’s what they think and say.