My daughter has started a relationship with a boy who thinks he is a girl, and my dad is calling herself a lesbian

And knowing about contraception in theory and knowing how to obtain and use it safely in practice, are two different things.

For those saying she is 17....Loads of people already know smoking kills, but we continue repeating the message and advertising it everywhere because knowing it and acting on it are two different things....

I agree I would say if you're happy then fine but make sure your girlfriend doesn't get you pregnant, which is what I would be saying if she thought of herself as a boy too!

Skara the OP strongly implies the partner is 19.

We still don't know how old the partner is.
I'd be really worried about the fact that her attitude and behaviour changed so drastically so quickly.

Right, you think people in their early 20s aren't adults

In law, they are adults. However, it has since been discovered that our brains don't mature until about 24. That's just fact. Something to be curious about, not offended by.

Sorry I just can't imagine having a "talk" with my parent about sex and STIs and protection at 17... Why would you need it at that age

Its my job as a mother to talk to my children about the relevant contraception and potential stds

She's 17... She should already know all of this?

17 is a child. Both in the law and also when we understand that our brains don't fully develop until about 24.

Right, you think people in their early 20s aren't adults

You sound like a mature person who knows herself well, Turquoise2. It doesn't sound as though OP's dd is the same yet.

It sounded very much as though OP's attempt to mention the possibility of pregnancy through sex with a male-sexed person - a natural, normal and necessary if often cringey mother-daughter conversation - was taken by her dd to be offensive, through the very act of mentioning her friend's male biology.

It does not sound as though the dd has the distinction between sex and gender all worked out and clear in her own mind, in the way you do.

I think that sort of confused embrace of the new, with great commitment combined with defensiveness, is very common in young adulthood. I recognise and remember it from my own youth, on different topics. My concern here, is the defensiveness. Arrogance, over-confidence, flippancy or jocularity would be far more reassuring. Excessive defensiveness suggests a person feeling unsure, uncertain of their arguments and not fully comfortable with their choices. A follower, not someone fully the author of their own destiny.

OP knows her dd and whether she is generally easily led, or conversely, self-assured, socially-confident and great at standing up for herself.

It's those sorts of things; her reaction, the upset, the sudden personality and behavioural change, combined with a new relationship with a slightly older person, that is a concern here.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

Would you not trust your daughter to have safe sex at 17 if she was dating a boy? She knows she can get pregnant and it's frankly quite insulting how so many people on here are obsessed with this.

This is not other people saying green is red. Your daughter and her girlfriend are under no illusion that biologically, your dd's girlfriend is male. It is her gender that is female.

You disagree with the idea of gender, that's okay. But try to understand that for a lot of us gender is very real and just be supportive. Say to your dd you trust her judgement, you know she is an amazing young lady and if she's in love with a transwoman, you accept it. Use the correct pronouns. Even if you disagree, it is petty and disrespectful to misgender someone to their face...or to your dd who just wants your love and respect.

I am a woman and always been a bit of a tomboy, but I just feel completely like a woman. I feel uncomfortable around men, don't know why but always have and have zero close make friends. Around transwomen I feel completely comfortable because they are women in mind and spirit.

If you got to know some transpeople maybe you would understand them more. Good luck, OP.

Sorry I meant lady bees advice was great wisdom. Couldn’t quote it for some reason.

Also as always in these matters, you don’t need re-education to unsee what you see, just the wisdom to not react in a way that pushes your daughter away. And you know how to do this. Vent here. June Whitfield there.

Which is what the OP is attempting to do but appears to be shut down

She’s dating someone who could get her pregnant.

17 year old are capable of knowing about safe sex. Also There is no mention on whether her partner is taking hormones or is preparing to. I'm sure they're smart enough to think about being safe.

Okay will first off shes 17, are you sure this will even last? A wise friend once told me not to get too stressedabout the GFs because they never last, and its true.

Second, make sure they're using contraception, usually lesbians don't need contraception but..we...ahem...17yo have a lot of hormones flying around especially when they come from their testes

17 year olds also like to test boundaries and their parents, maybe this is partly a rebelion thing, in which case you are behaving just as she wants you to. Back off, talk practicalities and when she wants to but nothing else and let her get on with it. trust me it won't last

It is a tough age and I found it difficult to loosen the strings too but it made my son and I's relationship much better. Sometimes just backing off a bit makes them more appreciative of you.

17 is a child. Both in the law and also when we understand that our brains don't fully develop until about 24.

Yes at 17 a lot of us feel like adults. Our bodies may have developed to look like adult bodies. And sadly many of us get pushed into adult situations at this age. I remember all this.

Sadly there are people out there who exploit people of this age for just that mismatch between their bodies and their minds that I have outlined. It's almost culturally acceptable (see "barely legal" porn or even judges thinking that a child's body development is a mitigating circumstance for a rapist etc). That doesn't make it right. That doesn't mean OP should not want to look out for her child.

The sex of a person's partner is what is important to know for risk assessment. Be it pregnancy or abuse. That is just fact. That risk is not affected one way or the other by gender expression. This is also just fact and nothing that anyone who non abusive needs to feel offended about.

I am an actual lesbian and what your daughter and her boyfriend are doing in being a heterosexual couple aping a lesbian couple is very homophobic. Perhaps tell her so.

But if her transgender partner is transgender then that's who she is, she's dating a woman, not a boy. So what if she still has male genitalia

She’s dating someone who could get her pregnant.

^The OP's dd is involved with someone her parents have barely met, has undergone sudden social and emotional changes, seems to be being encouraged towards alientating herself from her family, with whom she was previously open and talkative and is clearly very upset about something. This coincides with her new relationship.

Something is very wrong. The sex and gender of the dd and her new friend are not necessarily relevant here.^

This is it for me too.

I'm so sorry OP your last post was heartbreaking and terrifying.

I think for a little while you just need to avoid the subject.

Tell your DD you love her and you always will.
Don't discuss it anymore until things feel less fraught.

Does she have anyone else who might help chip away at the issue- someone she might listen too outside of you and her dad?

Do you know what her friends think?