Undermined, patronised, dismissed

I had a follow-up outpatient appointment once where the consultant left me sitting in my bra part way though examining my surgical wound for 10 minutes while he discussed the arrangements for collection his new Range Rover. The subsequent appointment made me think he was a pervy, inappropriate little shit, so in hindsight I suspect it was deliberate. I’m older now and would have kicked off in clinic and followed up with a written complaint, but I was a much less forceful twenty-something at the time.

I empathise with you completely.

I had a similar experience with my first neurologist. I'd been having to see him quite regularly for a couple of years and dh had always come with me; the bastard neurologist always spoke to dh and not to me. He would barely look at me. The last time I saw him, he stuck his nose in my file, barely acknowledged my presence throughout the consulation. All he would say were things like "I see your x results and normal" or "hmm, the x reading is rather high". I'd say "yes, I know, but does that mean xxxx?" and would receive no response at all. Towards the end of this appalling and distressing consultation, the phone rang and he answered it. I thought it must be an urgent case or they wouldn't have put it through would they? Oh yes, very urgent...he spent another nearly 10 minutes talking to this person ensuring that a very important thing got delivered to his address and that they had the right details of his Barclaycard - number etc. He repeated this info (name, address, phone number, card number, date of expiry, name on card) that I thought I'd probably know it off by heart if I tried to remember it. When the call ended, he got up and said "Well, Mrs Jux, you must tell yourself that you're very very lucky; you haven't had a bad attack for 11 years". I considered reminding him that in fact I'd had a very bad attack only 3 years ago which had led to me being put on his list. I want to hit him.

I went into the loos and burst into tears. I then went home and wrote to the hospital telling them how my consultation had gone and saying that I would never see that man again. Over the next few years, I received letters telling me that I had missed an appt with him and the details of a replacement appt. The first time I got a letter, I wrote back reminding them that I had already written to them concerning him. Thereafter I didn't bother as why should I continue to waste time effort and energy on people who ignored everything I said.

We moved to the West Country, where my neurologist is lovely!

I follow a brill physio who specialises in womens pelvic floor/bladder etc on instagram. she has private practice and nhs. she puts info and encouragement on, it really motivates me and makes me feel theres someone out there - found her by googling "womens physio'

Most frustrating words ever to fall from a GP's lips?

"I wish I'd listened to you sooner." 🤯

Everyone kept telling me "nono, spd is caused by relaxin so it goes away right after you give birth" but it really didn't.

Were you breastfeeding? The women’s health physio told me (much later) that breastfeeding keeps your relaxin hormone at an elevated level post-partum and recommended slow weaning with any subsequent breastfed baby to step it down slowly.

I had spd so badly in my first pregnancy I ended up housebound and on crutches. The young male gp I first saw about it said it was probably a sports injury. No words. I was 30 weeks pregnant and wasn’t doing sport 🙄

Anecdotally I didn’t have spd at all in my second pregnancy. God knows why very lucky

We run an online women's support group and lots of us suffer from your type of pain. Pm me if you want info. The group has been a godsend to me

OP, I'm so sorry, I can sympathise so much. Had SPD and a traumatic birth where I was yanked into stirrups and my legs forced apart (i kept telling them to stop and that I had spd but they ignored me). I remember hearing my pelvic bones grind together in this really sickening way.

I went from distance running pre pregnancy to barely being able to climb the stairs for about 9-10 months post partum. Everyone kept telling me "nono, spd is caused by relaxin so it goes away right after you give birth" but it really didn't.

I went to my GP who rolled his eyes at me. I explained that it was agony for me to even go to the shops and he said "Are you sure you're not just staying ay home because you're a bit depressed?"

I managed to get physio on the nhs, with a lot of pushing. In my case, luckily it did help and I'm back to normal again two years out (but now pregnant again and really scared of this happening again).

Sorry, I don't know what to say but you're not alone.

Thanks, Deer, my blood test showed hemoglobin of 5 (should be around 12), another doctor called me in the next day, i had a hysterectomy and felt not like a new woman, but like about 3 new women once i had recovered from the op.
It can be done! I hope you are listened to soon

I basically diagnosed my own ectopic pregnancy years ago, with a male GP folding his arms and ordering me out of his consulting room because I asked him to order a scan to determine it. I chose to travel hours the next day and pay for a private scan. Then my GP practice couldn't do enough to help!

Left to them and their attitudes I might have lost my life.

I'm paying privately at the moment. Which I can't really afford to do (I had to leave my well paying job, as I couldn't physically do it, and get an sitting down office job).

Lockdown really set me back. Looking after 2 small energetic children has brought out the main more so. Before lockdown, I had found hydrotherapy worked, but pools here are all still closed. My latest physio has a long waiting list, so only able to see her every 3-4 weeks.

I think people in general are quite dismissive of it (not just healthcare workers). I've had so many people say, "I had a bad back when pregnant" or "yes, my legs were a bit achy and I had to sit down lots". This is completely different! Sometimes my legs just don't hold me up! While pregnant and struggling, I had my boss continually say to me that pregnancy is not an illness, and I stupidly just pushed through the pain

@doadeer
I could have written your post. We have very similar stories. Also suffered from SPD/ PGP for 2.5 years. Ive been dismissed, offered counselling, offered pain killers, told the pain was in my head- that it couldn't possibly have lasted this long, been told it's "just your hormones". I had 1 NHS physio lecture me on the theory of chronic pain over 2 sessions instead of actually treating me. I've seen a few physios and osteopaths privately, and they can tell which areas hurt just by touching me, so I know it's not in my head. I have managed to have 1 scan, showing an inflammation of my sacrum- this was through the rheumatologist. I've made complaints to PALs and CCG, but havnt got far. On many occasions I have felt completely dismissed, and I'm sure that if a man had gone in with the same levels of pain, so much more would have been done to support him.

What an arsehole. Pregnancy can really fuck you up.

@doadeer I am so sorry you have had such a bad experience with your physio. I hope you get better care soon.

I'm not sure if you might have heard of www.careopinion.org.uk ? Some NHS Trusts/services pay attention to feedback they get there, particularly since it is public and searchable. (You can see services' responses to feedback, too).

Also @KimThomas - the Birth Trauma Association is fantastic - thank you (and to your colleagues) for doing what you do! :)

I think I may have been too knowledgable for the GP

There are some medics who take a knowledgeable patient as an affront. They prefer to operate within a strict hierarchy of 'doctor instructs, patient acquiesces', and will deliberately, actively and aggressively undermine a patient who is too involved/informed.

I'm sure precisely nobody would be surprised if I said this plays out most often within a male HCP/female patient scenario.

Oh, I’d also second that my SPD was better second time as I was more careful earlier and got a (nice) physio referral. I have very mobile joints from childhood gymnastics and a standing up job with lots of lifting, pushing and stooping which I think made it lots worse.

Just out of interest, someone mentioned the struggling to walk when carrying something... I still occasionally feel like my legs might give way and have to lean against a wall, usually when carrying something above my waist... is that a post-pregnancy thing?

Hugs to you OP. I have, sadly, experienced the broad side of a misogynistic medical establishment during pregnancy and childbirth. The worst is that you are in a fragile state and unable to 'fight back' in the same way as when you are at the heights of health. Please believe me, though, that at your age anything is possible. You can move forwards, with or without the pain, with the right support and the right headspace. Good luck.

Thank you Doadeer