A personal plight

She's lesbian. I'm trying to find some good lesbian books she can read. I've talked to her about the T aspect of LGB and how that's changing the dynamics. She's also identified two girls in her class who are close friends and identifying as having gender dysmorphia and another friend who is saying she is pansexual as an attention thing after watching Dr Who. Another friend has a daughter who is now a boy who is threatening suicide if they don't get an operation. They are 14. The mother is terrified because the kid is also autistic. They learned about it on the internet.

Education is the only weapon against brainwashing and peer pressure I feel.

Having a go at each other isn't going to help the OP.

Can we get the thread back on a helpful trajectory please?

Yes OP, take her for a walk in the woods that will cure her.

Unfortunately being a girl gamer is a bit like being a lesbian on a dating app right now, the actual female ones are out numbered by males who identify as females.

It makes for a massive quagmire of crap because the one message that teen girls really need to hear (that being a woman simply means being female over the age of 18, and it doesn’t dictate anything re: your interests, your career, your clothing choices or your romantic partners) is drowned out by men saying that being a woman is some kind of feminine state of mind.

If you don’t feel particularly feminine (lots of girls don’t) then the overwhelming 2020 messaging is, you aren’t female.

Getting outside and doing physical things works as an antidote because it sites you back in your body, back in the natural world, and away from the virtual where you exist as an avatar.

I agree she needs to find some like minded girl gamers/ music makers. When she sees that they are out there she might not feel the odd one out.

Ignore the patronising posts on here and just listen to the ones who get it.

Hi op
I agree your DD needs to see some women in gaming/programming. Unfortunately most of the girl gamers on YouTube seem to be girlfriends and play up to the dumb girl gamer stereotype. Drives me demented.
My daughter watches Loserfruit on YouTube who is a female gamer so she could try that.
For programming, theres lots out there to encourage girls into programming.

Stemettes stemettes.org/girls/

Robogals robogals.org/

Cyberfirst girls www.ncsc.gov.uk/cyberfirst/girls-competition

I think when she finds other like minded girls she will feel a lot better about herself. And they are out there.

With all respect moving won't help - unless you're planning to move to an internet free zone .

There are a number of lesbian gamers out there but I'm hesitant in naming them because frankly I don't think their content is suitable for a 12 year old (it's not that it's inappropriate, rather the games they play/review are not suitable imho for her age).

She will be resentful and that will drive a wedge between pax and her DD at a time when the two need to be as close as possible.

Kids need boundaries, adolescents more than younger kids. You can’t just be their mate, I had to do 6 months of 3x weekly multi systemic therapy to learn this, because I wanted to be the cool mum.
Too many boundaries are also bad, ideally they need to be metaphorically fenced in on three sides, with one side open to explore.

The three best ways to resolve an adolescents gender distress are:

A) cut down their online time
B) give them more attention, preferably 1-2-1
C) get them doing something physical, outside of possible, as much as is humanly possible.

Leaving the U.K. won’t make any difference because she will still (presumably) be online wherever you go.
Trying to identify out of the shit bits of being female is rife amongst teens in the U.K.,USA, Australia, Northern and Central Europe, it’s not
just a London thing.

Problem with tough love is it can make people feel berated and bullied when it’s support and advice they need.

OP - if might not feel like it, but you're getting some tough love from Red and Du.

The online gaming culture can be brutal
and rife with people pretending to be someone they are not to pursue an agenda.

I appreciate it's hard in lockdown but I honestly think you have two choices if you want to help her.

Ban the online games or as Red suggested play them with her.

I'd actually advocate the latter as it will allow you to better understand what we are saying and provide the opportunity to open a dialogue with her about it (I only suggest this because she's OG'ing already - ideally she wouldn't be at that age - and banning her might make her more angry and reinforce her current mindset).

You aren’t doing parenting ALL wrong, just this bit of it.

Most of us are doing this bit wrong, tbf, because the technology has changed so much since we were young and because kids are wiley. There is another thread elsewhere on MN where someone’s 14 year daughter has mostly likely been used as a ‘money mule’. The thread is full of parents saying they’ve never heard of it, but police have been warning schools for a while.
Shit happens when you aren’t looking - if you absolutely will not stop your daughter online gaming then restrict the amount of time she does it each day and always play the game with her.

I think we’ve noticed! but is it actually helping with the issue paxillin is posting about, honestly?

Well having seen how much its fucked up some people I know I'm not prepared to pander to people saying that she should be allowed to continue when she's showing signs of distress from doing so.

Even coming across it elsewhere is not as immersive and as addictive as gaming.

I will not mince my words on this.

red the point is in this instance it’s gaming, it could just as easily have been a PSHE lesson in school, a friends brother or sister, a magazine, a YouTuber they like.

If paxillin now bans her DD from gaming, do you honestly think she’s going to say ‘oh yes mum, actually you are right. I am a girl and I will grow into a woman and that’s all there is to it’?

Realistically, she won’t, will she?

She will be resentful and that will drive a wedge between pax and her DD at a time when the two need to be as close as possible.

It’s everywhere and it’s impossible to avoid.

Yes. Which is precisely why the parenting part is really fucking important. When you are up against strong messaging from all angles you have to make strong boundaries.

If you want to praise my posts de then you post as much as you like

Oh come on, it’s not that simple and you know it

She's 12.

It is that simple.

Talking about what they will be like in 6 years time as an 18 year old is ridiculous. Might be different if you were talking about a 15 or 16 year old.

But this is a 12 year old.

I don’t think it is part of the dynamic, actually, it’s inevitable she’d come across this.

I’ve seen work sent home for year 7s about inspirational teens with transgender YouTube stars. That’s from school. Are we going to suggest we don’t send kids to school?

It’s everywhere and it’s impossible to avoid.

Anyway, I think the OP actually wanted some help here, not endless kicking about her parenting.

Have you read the threads I linked to?