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Original poster

Please help me process my reaction to what my teenage daughter is wearing.

64 replies

AlexaShutUp · 05/07/2020 14:40

I have a 15yo dd. We generally have a great relationship - we talk a lot, and usually see eye to eye. She is very sensible and has a lovely bunch of friends. And I believe that I have raised her to be a proud feminist.

She has gone out to meet with some friends in a park today. Not sure if it makes any difference, but they all happen to be female. She has been brilliant through lockdown, and has only recently started to socialise again, so she was looking forward to it.

She and her friends were planning to take a picnic to a field near our house. I came upstairs while she was getting ready, and found myself shocked by what she was wearing. A short (mid-thigh) white skirt and a strappy white top. It wasn't indecent in any way, but just exposed a lot more flesh than she would usually. Mainly just shoulders/arms and legs. No cleavage, no midriff showing.

I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I think I asked her something like "is that what you're wearing?", probably with some judgement in my tone. I then said that the skirt was nice but quite short. She commented that it was ethically sourced and made from recycled material!

She then asked me what was wrong with what she was wearing. I couldn't really articulate a response, but I also found myself wondering what her dad would think about her going out like that. She then said did I want her to change her top. I said no, but she did anyway, and put on a t-shirt with sleeves. She said that she had considered this top originally but decided on the strappy one because it's hot today and she thought it went better with the skirt. In one way, I felt better when she had the t-shirt on, as she was more covered up, but on the other hand, I hated myself for even thinking about it. Why should I actually care if her shoulders are exposed ffs? And actually, she was right that the strappy top actually looked a bit better with the skirt.

I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what to wear, and that she should wear whatever she liked. She then got a bit tearful and said that she didn't want to be judged. We talked about it some more, and then she said that as a feminist, she felt that she should be allowed to wear what she felt good in. I agreed, and she went back to wearing the strappy top. She did put a jacket on top, but I think that was just for my benefit, and I'm sure it probably came off a few meters down the road.

I gave her a hug before she went out and told her that she looked lovely (she actually did) and that my reaction was my problem, not hers. She seemed ok at this point, and has hopefully long since forgotten about it all.

However, I am bothered by my reaction and need help processing it. Objectively speaking, there really wasn't anything wrong with what she was wearing, so why did I have such a visceral reaction when I saw what she was wearing?

OP posts:
Goosefoot · 05/07/2020 15:10

I think it's because older women understand what is behind the Kardashian/instagram/highly sexualised element of women's fashion.

My dd went through a brief stage like this at 12/13. At 15 she's completely mortified looking back at the photos and also understands the social context.

Quillink · 05/07/2020 15:06

Was it the juxtaposition between the vulnerability of young girls dressing as an 'adult' (because predatory men use exposed female flesh as a vile excuse for their own behaviour) and the unfairness of that fact (because she should be able to wear whatever the hell she likes without fear)? Vulnerability Vs indignance?

twoHopes · 05/07/2020 15:06

I look back on the clothes I wore age 13-16 and I am horrified by how revealing they were. I'm of the age where it was fashionable to wear backless "handkerchief" tops or boob tubes and very, very low rise jeans (with a thong sticking out the top).

I wanted to dress like that to look cool and fit in with my friends and was pretty naive as to how certain men would react to it. When you're a teenager you don't even really register adults, you're too focused on how other teenagers perceive you.

I think the reason we find young girls in revealing clothes shocking once we're older is because we're no longer naive to the thoughts and behaviours of certain types of men. And, of course, you have a natural drive to protect your daughter.

I really wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's not anti-feminist to want to protect your daughter but of course it's important (as you did) to make sure she doesn't feel ashamed of her own body.

namechangenumber204 · 05/07/2020 15:03

Jeez - this reaction is as old as time - did your mother REALLY never say to you 'you're not going out dressed like that?' No? Well you are a distinct minority. It's what mothers do when their children start growing up and discovering their identity. I did it. Surprisingly it was to my 15 yo DS!

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2020 15:02

They're way more bothered about looking fashionable for a picnic for that insta shot than thinking about how uncomfortable it will be to sit in a skirt on the floor for hours/being burnt from the lack of protection on her shoulder.

I think this is something to do with it? That you feel she’s dressing for others not herself - unknown ‘others’, approval of society? - if it’s a departure to what she might wear otherwise?

I’d have been more fussed about the white skirt than the top (impractical for a picnic in a field!)

Beamur · 05/07/2020 14:57

Perhaps your reaction was coming from a place of protection? My DD is very slightly younger than yours and seeing them grow up is a joy, but also scary when you have to loosen the strings.
Don't feel too bad. I suspect this is how many young women dress and her friends will be the same.
I think it's really rather sweet that she replied by pointing out it was an eco conscious choice.
Process your thoughts and maybe talk them through with your DD later, if appropriate.

Haggisfish · 05/07/2020 14:55

And @Itsjustabitofbanter your reaction and user name make me chuckle-I hate banter and am delighted when I find other people who want to talk about situations like the op because I genuinely do have all of these conflicting thoughts. It’s good to be able to discuss and dissect them with others.

Haggisfish · 05/07/2020 14:53

For me, this reaction is an anger that females feel the need to be so exposed to look ‘good’. Not your dd specifically-she has chosen her outfit to look nice but subconsciously you wonder if it is that message the tight, revealing clothing looks ‘better’. I will face similar conflicting thoughts when dd gets older.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 05/07/2020 14:53

Bloody hell, I was exhausted just reading that. If you had no problem with her wearing it, why bother causing such a drama??

Mehmen · 05/07/2020 14:53

Accept it as her need to find herself.
I was convinced my daughter was going to end up as some porn star at 14, I was terrified. (Exaggeration but you know what I mean)
Ultimately she was just growing up and trying to find out who she was. She is now 28 and a complete hippy and will only wear ethical clothing. She also doesn’t show any flesh if she can help it.
Not sure this has helped but basically don’t panic and it’s ok to to shake your head and disapprove (occasionally)

Ginfilledcats · 05/07/2020 14:51

It will be because she's grown up/ over dressed for a picnic. My little sister gets more dressed up to go to the park or for a picnic than I did to go out out - it's the Instagram effect! They're way more bothered about looking fashionable for a picnic for that insta shot than thinking about how uncomfortable it will be to sit in a skirt on the floor for hours/being burnt from the lack of protection on her shoulder.

For what it's worth, I think it's amazing you acknowledged it was your reaction that was the problem, shared it with your daughter and came on here for advice x

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 05/07/2020 14:49

Yeah, maybe it was just a reaction to her looking grown-up, I don't know. She looked stunning, to be fair. However, I hate myself for having been so judgmental about her choice of clothes. I never wanted to be that parent.

OP posts:
DaisyChainsForever · 05/07/2020 14:46

Was it because she looked 'grown up' ? I don't have teenagers yet, but I imagine that is something you have to adjust to.

feetfreckles · 05/07/2020 14:44

You are just reacting to her growing up. It can feel a bit sad