Please help me process my reaction to what my teenage daughter is wearing.

I think there is something about women/girls somehow being responsible for the bad behaviour of inappropriate males. What they wear is seen to be some sort of trigger for their behaviour. I guess the question is how rational is that. Where is the evidence? And do we articulate this to our daughters -don't wear that cos blokes might misbehave.

I’ve lived in Australia, and this was my exact thought.

My daughter is preteen, and I asked her to put a thin cotton shirt on over her strappy top because I was worried about sun exposure!

(And then proceeded to get burnt myself because I forgot my suncream. Sigh)

Yes Getoffthetable Legs or chest, never both! Good advice.

I pushed the boundaries of whichever one I'd chosen though

I wore a revealing(ish) top at the same kind of age but had no clue people would think of it in terms except how trendy I was.

If I had a figure like my teen dds I'd wear what they wear too. But I don't . Not any more!

The general rule in our house has always been that (unless your going to the beach or maybe a party) you can only poke out of one end of your outfit at a time.
E.G. Short skirts with a higher neckline; cleavage or strappy tops with trousers. They’ve never pushed against it and it’s stopped me and DH from having to negotiate outfits with them at the door.

Tbf, I do stick to the guideline myself.

she wants to wear stuff like that - and you have to let her.

This makes me so glad I have a son (though I know there are different issues with boys of course) but I would find it incredibly difficult to see my daughter dressed up like I did and experience some of the men I did.

viques

I’ll take that gin. My name is apt.

Oh no! Does that negate my award???

I think you were being protective. As a mum I would worry about any potential predators out there, even though as a young girl I didn't give safety considerations a thought. Also, I always think it's shame that beautiful young girls feel they have to try so hard to attract male attention, when really they have it all - at least in the looks department. Plus I fret about them getting cold! mum face

winesalot congratulations, you have won the valued Mumsnet Excellent Parent of the Day award. please drink it responsibly, (sorry, I know you will, but other people might not so that is a subtle reminder to them to be better people)

Just pour yourself a glass of chilled white and put your feet up. Enjoy the peace.

Get in touch with your instincts as a parent and forget the rest. It sounds like your grand ideas of who you want to be aren't in line with your true feelings. Be yourself! You didn't like it, that's cool. You're allowed an opinion, she's still a minor. Nothing wrong with that, you don't have to apologise! Equally you've talked it over well and you're both happy now. You obviously trust her judgement. What's the problem? Kids don't expect parents to understand everything and we shouldn't try to be perfect constantly-way too much pressure!

I also think it's a protection thing. You know how others will view her and that their thoughts might not be innocent and that might attract unwanted sexual attention / cat calling which she should not have to deal with.
Having a body that's very different to my own daughters' I also think that I project some of my own shame and desire not to expose flesh, but I love that they are body confident (mostly) and hope they never lose that.
I think it's great you were able to reassure her the issue was with you and that you're questioning yourself.

It's a standard fashion rule that you either expose decolletage or legs. Not both - it's too much.

I get this because I did the same thing.

At about sixteen my normally very covered up daughter came downstairs when I was expecting guests in a low cut top. You could see the very tops of her breasts in her bra. But it wasn’t indecent and you see worse in corporate environments. It was that normal.

I asked her to change and said it was inappropriate. It wasn’t. It was fine. I don’t know what was wrong with me, or why I reacted as I did. And we did have an argument and it ended up with me apologising as I was in the wrong. My husband kind of stared at the wall and side eyed me as if it wasn’t happening.

I still five years later feel ashamed about how I reacted, and don’t really understand it either. I suspect it was it felt sexualised and I didn’t want anyone to look at her that way.

For me, it's an awareness of bloody horrible men.

I live in a ME country where, depending on the situation, women generally cover most of 'heads shoulders knees & toes'. It's fine for a foreigner not to cover her hair but might occasion a few funny looks in more conservative or rural areas. Equally, shorts or bare shoulders are ok for the beach or within a residential compound but would be seen as inappropriate for the mall.

Harassment of women is a big problem - I haven't been exposed to much of it but my teenage dds get catcalled incessantly if they leave the compound to nip to the nearest supermarket.

One dd deals with this by always, without even stopping to think about it, throwing on an enormous hoody. It pisses me off that she's absorbed the message that how she dresses is the business of random pervy blokes.

The other doesn't give it a thought & will absent mindedly set off in teeny shorts & a strappy little top if that happens to be what she's put on on a hot day! It pisses me off just as much that I then feel I have to say 'dd2, maybe get changed or you'll get hollered at by weirdoes'.

It's a seriously tricky one.

I had a little smile when I read this OP. Because in my house, as we are Australians, it is all about being sun smart. So no, going to the park with a strappy shirt is not acceptable sun protection even on a cloudy summers day in London. Even with sunscreen.

Our daughter met a friend a few weeks ago and I checked her with a hat, sunscreen and a shirt with shoulders at least.

Her friend wore the strappy shirt, short shorts and no hat. My daughter sat in full shade and the friend on the edge. The friend complained later that she was terribly sun burnt which must have been really painful.

@Haggisfish yet here you are bantering with me and not discussing the situation ;)