Please help me process my reaction to what my teenage daughter is wearing.

My kids are older than yours

the day you walk down the stairs and realise that your daughter has the sort of cleavage she destroyed in you by breast feeding

the day you see your son wandering around in his boxers and realise that 19 year olds are at their absolute peak

the day you realise that they have shut the bedroom door when friends come round FOR A REASON

its quite scary
but also an amazing sense of achievement

I think you used your visceral reaction in a good.way. It sounds as though she wanted to be able to express herself and fit in with peers without it costing her the sense that you are on her side and a protective kind of presence. Tricky waters to navigate and the feelings are messy on both sides, but that's what growing up looks like in practice,

I was volunteering in a conservation charity, wearing wellies and T-shirts and mud most days and I was the recipient of attention from a much older male (In their 40’s) Who informed me, that he wanted to take my virginity and would be gentle with me.

Aaaarghhhh what a horrendous creep. Why are some men like this? How do they have the fucking nerve???

Don't feel bad OP. Your reaction was understandable and you were very sensitive to her about it.

Why do young girls feel the need to go out wearing very short, revealing clothes? Why don't boys feel the same? Why do girls dress to be ornamental, to appeal to the male gaze, and boys dress for comfort and functionality?

As a teen I wore a lot of things like miniskirts, knee high boots, heels etc. Now that I look back my whole identity was based around being attractive to men, and I don't think it was particularly healthy. It's better for you to let your daughter make her own choices as the teen years are a time of self-exploration and discovering one's own independence and identity, but that doesn't mean you have to like what she wears, and I don't think you should feel bad for being upset by what you saw. What you realised when you saw her was how hypersexualised teen girls are, how inappropriate that is considering that they are still only children, and yet how normalised it is in wider society.

You shouldn't feel guilty for seeing things as they really are, and being disturbed by that.

Thanks OP. What I find odd is that you reacted to what sounds like a very normal outfit.

So let's agree that male behaviour can be bad regardless of what women/girls wear. What is it then that we worry about when our daughters wear revealing clothing? Can we articulate that to ourselves?

And is it only when flesh is exposed that we think it is revealing? I remember a mum on here a while back whose DD was told to wear a bra by the school. If memory serves me I think the DD just didn't like bras but in every other respect adhered to uniform policy. That made me ponder a lot about our social norms and just how sexualised our society is.

I can't see what you needed to judge about that outfit. It doesn't sound 'revealing' in any way, just cool for warm weather. I'd be very wary about judging her for this, it is not fair. She is not there to police male behaviour by limiting what she does. Men police their own behaviour.

I think This is an understandable protective reaction to a grown-up looking version of your daughter.

For what it’s worth, I agree that clothes do not always matter when it comes to instigating inappropriate male attention. When I was 16, just after my O-levels, I was volunteering in a conservation charity, wearing wellies and T-shirts and mud most days and I was the recipient of attention from a much older male (In their 40’s) Who informed me, that he wanted to take my virginity and would be gentle with me.

So I guess, you don’t want your daughter to have experiences like that, but sadly we cannot stop them happening to our children, but we can try and prepare them for the possibility of them happening and how they may wish to respond.

I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what to wear, and that she should wear whatever she liked

She is 15, yes it is your place

Don’t visit Spain 😁 dd similar age did a spanish exchange last summer your dds outfit positively nun like compared to what spanish teens wore. Made me relax abit tbh

I think it's good that you apologised to her, and that you posted here to get help get different perspectives to help you unravel your reaction.

Maybe with that understanding the next step is to explain it to DD and have the discussion in mature terms so that she gets where you're coming from - rather than just apologising without explaining - but without judgement and making it clear that it's her decision what she wears, not yours.

You must all have been excellent teenagers, because I certainly remember a few spats with my dm over my outfits in the 80s. The time I pranced out wearing my dad’s string vest was a particular low for parental relations!

As it happens, I think teen girls are wearing “more” clothes than in recent years. The fad for short shorts exposing bum cheeks has passed, and tops with higher necklines are in.

but assuming you aren't in a country where women must cover up or get stoned, no other problem apart from looking just a bit silly.

That's my approach - if she wants to look a bit silly, it's up to her. She'll figure out her own style and I don't think it's going to be the same at 20 as it is right now!

ridiculous outfit to sit in a field in June - grass stains all over the skirt and sunburn on all the exposed skin.

but assuming you aren't in a country where women must cover up or get stoned, no other problem apart from looking just a bit silly.

I would feel sorry for you daughter, if she has to have this kind of drama and discussion about her clothes. It's sounds fine what she chose.

What they wear is seen to be some sort of trigger for their behaviour. I guess the question is how rational is that. Where is the evidence? And do we articulate this to our daughters -don't wear that cos blokes might misbehave.

I dress really angrodynous/modestly these days but last year, for the first time in ages, I wore quite a tight, short dress. My god, the cat calling was unbelievable. I'd completely forgotten what it was like.

I don't think it's a good idea to articulate that to teenage girls though. Firstly, I remember being cat called in my school uniform so it's not the case that revealing clothes = bad male behaviour. And secondly, I don't think it's right to put the burden of that on young girls going through puberty. It's a difficult enough time as it is, without worrying about how you're perceived by grown men.

My DD (15) met a couple of friends for a walk yesterday evening and she wore shorts and a strappy top. I didn't like the top as she's big-busted and it definitely emphasized it - she did have a sweatshirt with her but it was a hot evening so she tied it around her middle.

I said that the top was revealing and left it at that. I always wanted to wear revealing clothes at 15 but I grew out of it by 16/17 and went for the grunge look!

I feel confident that my DD will grow out of it too - we talk about "unwanted attention" and she's experienced it (and thought it gross when middle-aged men have wolf-whistled!) I point things out to her and talk about wearing clothes that flatter you, rather than always following the latest trend.

Being a teenager is hard!

I worry about this in relation to school skirts - round here most teenage girls wear them so short that they literally stop right at the top of the legs, worn with black tights that can be thick or sometimes quite thin,

I am a feminist, I think people should wear what they like and girls are not responsible for boys' responses. But OTOH, the whole point of that look is clearly to appear sexually attractive and risque for the benefit of boys (whether or not the girl consciously intends that - obviously one factor in them doing it is because it's the done thing and their mates do it).

I don't like the fact that that's the look, it's what the girls do and it's accepted, but of course it's not what the boys do. They don't feel any pressure to show off their legs and essentially go out in an outfit that resembles underwear.

But again OTOH it's the girl's choice and of course it's pretty natural to want to get male attention at that age.

Aaaaarrgggh. If my DD goes in for this I still don't know if I'll be saying anything or not.

Raised her to be a proud Feminist😂😂 dear god. Just what the world needs