12 yr old DD. Gender Dysphoria, sudden announcement

I'm trying to decide if I'd have cringed like mad if my parents had bought me Diva magazine as a young lesbian or been grateful. I think I'd have cringed a bit but been secretly grateful.

@justanotherneighinparadise

It’s comes to something when parents are scrapping around trying to find gay friends or promote lesbianism to their children doesn’t it?! My face is permanently at the moment.

Unfortunately, the sad statistical truth is that most gay and bi kids are going to be raised by straight parents - it’s just a numbers thing. So most parents can do their best to model healthy heterosexual relationships and an example for their children but they are shit out of luck when it comes to doing the same for same sex attracted adolescents.

The depiction of most relationships on telly or in literature (gay or straight) are either too unrealistic to be useful or too dramatic to be healthy.

We are left with making sure we invite lesbian auntie figures round for Sunday lunch!

Article here OP on the back of Sapphos' comments.

It's a little old in the sense that schools and LAs are now removing Allsorts packs from schools.

www.theargus.co.uk/news/16613963.there-is-nothing-anti-trans-in-this-school-pack/

It’s comes to something when parents are scrapping around trying to find gay friends or promote lesbianism to their children doesn’t it?! My face is permanently at the moment.

These are extremely GC organisations which the OP's DD is likely to view as transphobic.

SSA and TT are pro safeguarding organisations advising adults, they are not aimed at children. There is absolutely no reason for a 12 year old to even know about them, let alone have decided they are transphobic.

You are projecting adult trans activist opinions onto children.

Does she know any grown up gay / lesbians?
Has she been around many same-sex couples?
If not I'd be inclined to call upon any gay friends you might have and try and get her more comfortable and used to same sex couples. She doesn't have to be a boy to fancy a girl.. She needs guidance and to feel included in something before any drastic measures or labels are given / affirmed

It’s very normal for teenagers to think their parents know nothing and they naturally want to push against boundaries, particularly nowadays heteronormative ones. That’s why it’s so important YOU do the reading. There’s no need really for you to be pointing your child in any direction as her online tribe will have done all of that for her/him.

The important thing is you get empowered as a parent and understand what’s going on. Seek help for yourself primarily as you are going to need all the tools you can gather to help your child through this period.

I think I read somewhere that the average age for children to declare a trans or cross sex identity was 13, and the average period of identification before desisting or detransitioning (which happened in 60-90% of cases) was around 3 years. So this may well be a marathon not a sprint for you. There's a support thread on here somewhere for parents of ROGD children (rapid onset gender disphoria) and it would also be worth you reading the research by Lisa Littman on the subject. Stay away from Mermaids at all costs. Do a search on here for threads about them, you will be shocked by what you learn. Don't let yourself be pressured into saying yes to anything you aren't comfortable with, and don't buy the lie that puberty blockers are proven to be safe and reversible. They aren't. At best there is no long term data on the effect they have on a growing brain and bones, and at worst they have been shown to increase persistence and solidify a cross sex identity, in children who would otherwise have desisted. Be aware that most therapists, doctors, activists, charities, and CAMHS professionals will be pushing an affirmation only model quite aggressively, but that this approach is motivated by a political agenda and not scientific reasoning or evidence. Don't go near any organisation until you have researched them thoroughly for yourself. Thinking of you OP, this is my worst nightmare.

Transgender Trend and Safer Schools Alliance are supportive and do not push dangerous ideologies or put children on a medical pathway.

These are extremely GC organisations which the OP's DD is likely to view as transphobic.

Allsorts absolutely doesn't push children towards a medical pathway. It's also for lesbians as well as trans young people and it sounds more likely OP's DD is a lesbian. Surely more healthy for the family to approach organisations supportive of all LGBT youngsters than specific anti trans lobbyists.

Listen and empathise. Do loads of active listening so that she feels heard. Explain that it is important for her to take time to work through this and ask open ended questions and accept answers.

Please avoid Mermaids and Allsorts at all costs.

Transgender Trend and Safer Schools Alliance are supportive and do not push dangerous ideologies or put children on a medical pathway.

I do realise we were lucky in that she was quite a compliant 12 year old. If the same thing was happening now, at 14, I dread to think how different it might be. She is much more feisty.

I had this situation with my dd at exactly the same age. Same thing, said she was a lesbian at 11, then a teary announcement that she was transgender. I was shocked. We are very close and it was a complete bolt from the blue. It fit with all the 'rapid onset gender dysmorphia' symptoms. She had been spending a lot of time online looking at gender transformation stories and was going through an incredibly hormonal time. She wanted me to buy a binder for her. My dh and I discussed it with her in depth and told her we empathised with how she was feeling but that we wanted her to sit with her feelings, talking with us and being open for six months. She was fairy reasonable and agreed however whenever we bought clothes, she wanted to buy from the male sections. That was fine by me. As the weeks passed, I checked in with her often and we tried to keep talking. Her feelings changed and she decided she wasn't transgender. It took about 8 months. She is also now, at 14 not sure she is a lesbian but she can work that out as she begins making her way in the world of relationships and it isn't causing her angst.

I hope it's helpful to hear my experiences. We had to be so careful with our words to try to ensure she felt understood and not alienated but we were firm in making her wait and think before making any big moves to changing her appearance drastically. I wish you and her well. It's such a difficult time for parents and children navigating this situation.

Aww bless her. So she feels at odd with her gender but not her body? If so, I think it can be turned around. The main thing is that she doesn't get sucked into wanting horomes and an op.

The Allsorts trans guidance is currently being pulled from Local Education Authorities up and down the country, so I most definitely would not recommend them as a source of accurate advice!

Check what she is up to on the internet, who she is watching/following. Be aware that organisations like Mermaids have buttons to take you away from their page, tell children they may not be ‘safe’ talking to their parents, and have set up chat rooms away from the eyes of parents. Most lobby groups tell you that you need to affirm her NOW or she will DIE. This is NOT true - the suicide stats they post are fictitious but repeated often enough to plant the idea in children’s heads that trans = feeling suicidal. The NHS (Tavi) say you should do ‘watchful waiting’ until you see them and not socially transition first.

Where are you based OP? If in the south Allsorts is a lovely charity helping LGBT young people and their families.

www.allsortsyouth.org.uk

If she is being influenced by TRAs online, try and steer her towards some positive lesbian role models. Rose and Rosie are brilliant, young lesbian YouTubers:

https://www.youtube.com/user/TheRoxetera

Buy her Diva magazine, it's trans friendly so she won't consider it transphobic but the content is very much written for lesbians and bisexual women.

You can also let her watch some TV with positive lesbian role models in it. L word generation q is good, it does have quite graphic lesbian sex scenes so you might think she's a bit young. Depends how mature she is in general. Also shows a younger lesbian of 16 starting a relationship with her female best friend.

Buy her some books by Sarah Waters. They are affirming of lesbian sexuality and also great stories.

Let her read and watch Tipping the Velvet - it shows a lesbian experimenting with her gender expression without actually thinking she's male (granted it's set in the past).

If she genuinely has gender dysphoria then none of the above will make any difference, but it sounds like she's young and confused and figuring out who she is. And could do with finding out more about lesbian culture.

I agree with a PP. Be very careful making disparaging remarks about organisations on here.

Look up Sasha Ayad and Lisa Marchiano. Both are professional therapists with lots of sensitive and thoughtful ideas about how to both support a child through this distress whilst not accepting their assertion without question.

Gender dysphoria is a diagnosis that can be legitimately made by only a handful of registered professionals on the UK’s gender specialist list, so in our family we have chosen to refer these sincere feelings as ‘gender distress’, rather than reinforce the idea that you can diagnose yourself.

This phase has lasted most of a year for my DsD (from just turned 13 to almost 14, aka year 9) but she seems to be coming through it now.

Ask questions (‘but how DO boys feel? And how do you KNOW you feel like a boy?’) and delay decision making (‘this is a big change and we need to consider it carefully. Let me do some research and we will talk about it again in x months time’)

Don’t make it a battleground and don’t let it become the focus of the whole family. Keep doing other stuff, especially outside, active things.

For children to be be considered as trans they have to be consistent, insistent and persistent for a number of years. Coming out with it for the first time age 12 does not meet that criteria.

Oh, and limit what she can do online/how long she spends online (with parental controls, don’t completely remove her access to the internet).

I feel for your situation op. Lots of great advice above, I would also suggest that you carefully find out what she has been told about the various support groups as a number of the positive resources listed above have been characterised as 'hate groups' by the people who are pushing the affirmation agenda so if you mention them by name, she might have a preconceived resistance to any information from them. When you read them yourself you will categorically not find anything other than support, advice based on facts and helpful information.

Avoid Mermaids like the plague.

This.

I think Susie Greens Mermaids devotion is purely to justify to herself that the horrendous harm she did to her child was ok. Affirmation of all other children is part of this.

Who both her and her husband thought was gay.

I’d want to know which websites and social media sites she’s been on and how much time is spent on them.

And stay well away from Mermaids.

OP, you should also be aware that there are a group of misogynists who make it their mission to trawl these threads & report as many posts as they can, so I wouldn’t depend on all this information still being here in a few hours.

Lily Maynard is a brilliant writer who went through this with her daughter. Her account of it might help you:
4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/

It's quite normal, and in some ways compared to many years ago it's easier to talk about, it's just that most people don't want to talk to people who have been through it can come out the other end

I a, only putting this here now to remind me to get back to you about my experiences growing up, as I am working today