12 yr old DD. Gender Dysphoria, sudden announcement

Definitely limit her internet access at the moment.

Honestly, I think all children in the middle of puberty become slightly gender dysphoric. Their body is changing from androgynous where gender is displayed by clothing and hair styles, to a body that is gendered in appearance. Plus for girls you get periods which I personally have always hated and am counting down the years to menopause. Young teens don’t realise that it is normal to not feel comfortable in your body for years, or to hate periods and then they think it’s due the gender of the body, when honestly boys feel just as awkward as they mature to men. It’s a normal phase to have while maturing from child to adult body.

@Pickledonionsfortea
@Quaagars

Thank you for the encouragement and helpful advice (and I disagree that those two statements are inherently contradictory). Regarding ASD, yes, dd does have that. She's slightly unusual in having been picked up in KS1 and not at our instigation - we just thought she was a bit eccentric (we were right about that though!

listen to your child, don't be dismissive

How does that square with this though

decide where your boundaries (eg using sex based pronouns only, proper name) are and reach out to those around you who will help reinforce these; family, friends, school

That's literally doing the opposite of listening to them? If you're reinforcing that nope, this is what I say you're called and then try and get everyone else to do the same?

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but it sounds as if you are managing well. Consider the following;

• block Reddit, mermaids and any other suspect sources of information from the internet via your router.
• decide where your boundaries (eg using sex based pronouns only, proper name) are and reach out to those around you who will help reinforce these; family, friends, school.
• join the Bayswater support group for advice
• continue to emphasise that gender stereotypes are harmful
• listen to your child, don’t be dismissive, but ask questions and listen carefully to answers.
• encourage activities and friendships which bring joy to your child
• try to anticipate what your child’s next demand will be, so you won’t be shocked or upset, but have a calm, considered response.
• you mention ASD in the family, might your daughter have ASD? An odd question but it is notoriously underdiagnosed in girls.

Good luck, I wish I had followed the above advice a few years ago.

[quote teawamutu]Lily Maynard is a brilliant writer who went through this with her daughter. Her account of it might help you:
4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/[/quote]
@teawamutu - just read this - what an amazing blog - wonder if the writer (and the daughter), got a lot of abuse for writing it.

Thanks to all the replies relating to my earlier post. Been unable to log in to Mumsnet for a couple of days so just catching up now. All the messages validating our opinion that school has been somewhat out of order here are very helpful in framing a response. We've so far been able to find nothing in the way of a published policy that covers this, for the school, LA, trust or diocese, which are the school's various regulatory stakeholders.

@MrsChalfont
I couldn't agree more. The conformity of teenagers and young people to gender stereotypes in terms of appearance and relationships, for instance, is astonishing and depressing to me. It's radical for a girl nowadays to simply have short hair. A few years ago, I was naive enough to allow another dd, then about 6 years old, have a short pixie cut at her request. The emotional pulping she received at school about this triggered years of mental health difficulties. No wonder young people are demented.

Have you heard of wifi gryphon routers? They are pricey but very effective. We have one to limit screen time, but you can use them to block access to certain sites and track what sites they visit. They also block malware. You could just block Reddit or wherever the influence is coming from. She is only 12.

You might as well ask the GP for a referral to the Tavistock, if they are persistent with it they'll be years on the waiting list so no harm being on it now

Nonicknamesleft If your daughter is under 16, the school is leaving themselves wide open to legal action if they affirm her without your permission. Despite what the lobby groups claim, it is unlawful for them to do so.

Id be clear to her that its not about transphobia, but about realism. Dysphoria doesnt necessarily mean trans and its completely normal and common part of adolescence for loads of people (obviously not everyone) and that youre ok with her exploring her identity, but youre concerned if shes going to immediately label it trans, and you want her to slow down

I experienced gender dysphoria in my teens though I knew no term like that. I felt inadequate and a failure and have carried a sense of this through a few decades now, advancing and receding in my mind. It's natural and inevitable to experience discomfort growing up in such an unhealthy society that places blackly comic expectations on people based on their sex.

Things have gone backwards, and not by accident. As a species we've had some kind of vertigo in relation to potential freedom, which seems particularly visible in England and maybe even especially visible in the last year - boorish men in pubs, in their 30s and their 60s bounding around, emboldened by the appalling developments of the last few years. Social media and reality television feeding into what might in a briefly helathier freer time have been brief vanities.

You should not have to behave any certain way based on your sex or sexuality and this should be fundamental to anyone's upbringing.

I've always had creative outlets and perhaps was lucky that I gave up so soon on wanting to be accepted - it was so far away from likely that I withdrew into music and books and forms of education that validated me.

There'll come a time when the current hysteria around these issues has died down, I think and I hope.

It makes no sense to me that trans ideology is necessarily binary - that aperson says they are not that but this rather than seeing that a construct has been forced on them that denies their multivalent nature- but that ideology is promoted simultaneously with the idea of being non-binary. There is something more rational about stating one is gender non-binary if it's knowingly some kind of quasi-political statement, of a refusal of false kinds of nurturing. Yet some say they are tansgender and non-binary?

So much of male suicide is related to perceived failure, but somehow even the thought of a mind heading in the direction of suicide rather than making mistakes about conceptions of gender, shows someone reaching to be authentic. Authenticity regardless of whether you're gay or straight, born male or female, seems to be what is promoted and valued least. Authentic men and women are the least visible people. Why wouldn't boys and girls, themselves reaching for authenticity, feel lost and be amenable to ideas of the long term lost.

This sounds like my sister. Not sure about your DD but I can almost see through my DSis and it’s because she wants to be ‘quirky’ and in order to not fit everyone bill she’s going through a stage of ‘I’m pansexual, now I fancy the oven, I think I’m a boy, I’m definitely bi, now I’m lesbian, actually I’m bi’ it’s really exhausting listening to her call everyone mainstream and basic because they don’t like little moons and Japanese gamers.

God help me.

Nonicknamesleft
Glad that you've found some useful support. And a quick reminder (although I am sure you already know this). Schools do not have the power to transition children in secret from their parents. Only the courts can remove parental rights
The reason schools are doing this is because certain adult groups are determined to undermining the safeguarding of children by removing them from the influence of their parents. But - as we see repeatedly - adults who understand safeguarding are too scared to stand up and challenge this. It's outrageous - especially as all available data proves that children removed from their families (often for good reasons) do terribly in terms of all measures - academic, life chances, mentally etc.

I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time - I totally agree social media is totally manipulative, vulnerable children and teenagers are just so confused and as a parent you get cast as archaic and phobic if you offer any measures response. I think the important thing is not to get into an argument and sort of ignore and acknowledge at the same time as it is such a fad at the moment

Thanks for the link to Lily Maynard's excellent article. I have just joined the club of parents with suddenly would-be trans daughters and Lily's experience is really encouraging.

Dd's school called me in the other day to inform me that she was henceforth going to be called by her preferred name and be referred to with male pronouns. They didn't seek my consent and went ahead with the change in the knowledge that she hadn't even told her dad that she's thinking this. Their plan is to continue to use her 'dead' ie actual name in correspondence, parents evenings, etc. Her keyworked phoned a couple of days ago, referring to her all the time by the male identity and me, being in earshot of the family, by she/her and her name. It's farcical.

She'd told me a few weeks ago and begged me not to tell dad, on the assurance that she would do herself. As far as she's concerned he is irredeemably transphobic; however, she threw the grenade today.

I must admit I've been a bit paralysed by fear of alienating her, but this article, and my husband's appalled but predictable reaction, has helped me realise that I have to put my big girl pants on and face this differently. Dd is a very clever autistic girl and I feel as though I've been walking on eggshells around her for a long time because so much about her makes me fearful. Anyway, this is incredibly helpful. I was already aware of Transgender Trend and the Bayswater Group but feel a bit more empowered now. Thanks so very much xxx

OP I hope your DD is ok. I have no advice but have just seen tonight that my DD 15 has set up a password for Replika. I haven’t heard of Replika before and found this thread by accident when searching about it. She is a bit withdrawn bit of a loner and she has become more and more quiet and withdrawn during lockdown. She has one female best friend who I think she may have a bit of crush on but unsure whether it is replicated. But I am still quite worried about her in general.

OP, the social media, group chats etc she is on - are these people she knows in real life or are they mainly people off the internet - instagram etc? I feel a bit like if her social media is taken up a lot with people self-defining as these groups (absolutely nothing wrong with it btw) that will always be forefront and sometimes she might need to just chat shit with her real friends? And the 'stranger' groups I feel will be more open to manipulation from within and from outside.

I’m so glad you think it helpful!

Adolescence is often shit, for both boys and girls, i think it can be tougher on girls because puberty tends to come to them first and the affects can be startlingly rapid, whereas boys get a little longer to be children and the changes to their bodies take a longer period to complete.

On top of that, the gendered expectations for girls really ramp up at secondary school, some girls hide within those expectations (all false eyelashes and these days, contouring a completely different face on top of your own) and some girls hide from those expectations, but both responses resonate out of the same sets of anxieties.

We all need to keep reassuring our girls that becoming an adult human female is inevitable, but there is room for lots of variation (and no one really expects you to be a proper, sorted, adulty-adult until about 30 odd anyway).

If you can get her someone professional to talk to re: her dad and your family friend’s diagnoses and her feelings and anxieties relating to those (someone who specialises in teenagers preferably) that would probably be really helpful (although don’t make her speak to anyone she doesn’t like! Just find another. If you still have contact details for your husband’s MacMillan nurse, they will likely be able to signpost you.

Mostly, just be there and be accessible - I suspect that the main reason lockdown has allowed my DsD to desist (early days, it’s not completely behind us yet) is because her incredibly hard-working dad was furloughed for two months.

She got bags more attention, they renewed their closeness. He sees the immense improvement in her wellbeing and is determined to continue making more time for her now he is back at work.

Lockdown must’ve worked the other way around in your household due to her brother taking more of your time than usual.

Can you find something for you to do together without your son? Can her dad do the same? Both siblings would probably benefit from some more 1-1 time with each parent (although I realise how difficult that can be to manage as my eldest has HFA too, it’s much easier to cope with now he’s 20 and on the other side of puberty, but we had some serious struggles in the younger years 😬).