How do you talk to teens about misogyny and trans issues?

Show her the results of being “kind”. The prison rapes by violent male sex offenders, identifying as trans to get sent to women’s prisons. The sports scholarships and medals lost out on by girls having to compete against male athletes. The places on women’s shortlists taken by men.
Teenage girls having to get undressed or shower in front of men.
Remind her that over 80% of transwomen keep their penis.
Tell her about the cotton ceiling, about the homophobia and bullying of lesbians to accept sexual partners with penises.
Ask her why the TRAs are so desperate for “no debate” and silencing free speech, if their ideology is actually defensible.
Then ask her to apply logic and critical thinking instead of spouting silly mantras.

And my daughter just this morning was talking about pride. I told her that Pride is going to bring about many discussions on ‘transphobic if you don’t accept bepenised lesbians’. I told her I imagined if there were parades that there would be quite a few protesters out about it. She is still not budging from the ‘let them be what they want to be’. But I know she will. I can see the signs that she gets it really.

“You are cheerleading your friend to amputate your genitals, no friend does that”

That is a good one!

Instead I am trying to teach them about integrity and ‘doing the right thing’.

And this is now what I have changed my tactic to. I have also pointed out that we have always valued honesty and integrity very highly in our family

I have started to teach my kids not to ‘be kind’. Instead I am trying to teach them about integrity and ‘doing the right thing’. ‘Be kind’ is generally about giving up your position to enable someone to have what they want now, but that might be harmful to them, yourself or others. It can be a way to bully people. It isn’t thought through. Doing the right think requires thought beyond the immediacy of the situation, it might not be the popular thing to do.

I am in the same situation. The ‘be kind’ mantra gets repeated and yes, I have been called a radical feminist just for holding my views.

I have taken a long term view because I have realized that she is getting the information from friends and not through school curriculum. And she has been slow to make friends so I don’t want to rock the boat.

Instead, I now tackle it piece by piece and I insist on teaching her to critically think about what she is told. I pointed out that people cannot change sex. She disagreed. I reminded her of climate change deniers, anti-vaxxers, creationalists, and flat earthers. She now gets that people cannot change sex. And that males should not compete in women’s sports.

She gets upset about me misgendering non binary . I have pointed out the narcissism behind making people go through linguistic hoops meaning that they are the complete focus of someone’s mind right then. We have always brought her up to reject stereotypes, of any kind, not just gender. I reminded her that people rarely fit these stereotypes and that NB means that person expects everyone else to fit a stereotypes so they can be different.

I tell her about the fight for employment rights and how angry I am that these are eroded. I told her all the incidents of discrimination I have had happen and how these are now meaningless because ‘men can have babies too’.

I have such a long way to go. But she is going nowhere. I want to keep it age appropriate and will continue to unpick it all. She gets very very upset when I discuss a dissenting view. It doesn’t help that I myself have taught her to be ‘kind’ to others.

Good luck! I am open for tips too.

Long history here of teaching DC to "be kind" but also recognising boundaries (our own and others).
One DC on ASD spectrum (high functioning).
The ASD has been a blessing in one way, because we have had to talk about the kinds of things that are implicit in conversations... your turn, my turn, what sayings mean etc.

So, one of the things that we had to teach from early on, was that "be kind" does not equal be a doormat. Our saying became that "we teach people how to treat us....and sometimes we can teach them to walk all over us, so it's OK to say no".
And how to recognise when a friend is in trouble and needs "kind" vs how to recognise that our kindness is being manipulated.
So, other people's problems always remain that person's problem.
It's not ours to fix.

It's been useful when talking about gender dysphoria as we are using the same language.
We can feel sorry for that person's pain, and we can make accommodations for them- but their discomfort does not equal a right to make demands on our resources or time.

Can you switch it round using the classic one liner of “we need to be kind” to look at all the categories of natal women that TWAW isn’t “kind” to? Eg in refuges, for women who have suffered violence / rape by a male, is it “kind” to force them to accept male-born people in that refuge either as staff or room-mate? Ditto prisons. Re toilets / changing rooms, is it “kind” to exclude women of certain religions or who have had certain difficult life experiences from accessing public life / recreational facilities by the inclusion of male-born people? Similar argument for sports... And, crucially, how can it be “kind” to dismiss someone’s genuine concerns with the language of “bigot” etc. Can she see that #nodebate just isn’t really very kind at all?
I find it torturous to use the “be kind” language but if the need to be kind has grabbed her, it may help her to think through the other implications of that phrase.

Why the fuck do 13 year olds need to be taught the history of drag?

Read "Why Does He DO That" with her, if she is a reader. It is basic information on avoiding people who prey on kind people like your daughter.

My dd is only 5 so I haven't experienced this but can imagine just how difficult it must be. I think I'd stick with challenging gender stereotypes, or sex role stereotypes perhaps might be clearer. Getting her to recognise sexism when it is there. Probably not even mention the main issue directly, and hope that eventually she joins the dots.

Hopefully if you just keep talking the penny will drop eventually. It's difficult when so much feminist and LGB history is being rewritten.

When you pit this against the natural instinct of many teen girls to push back and 'not be like Mum' it's the perfect storm of misinformation and rebellion.

It's not easy. Quite a few mothers are in your position.

I talked to my son (19) a while back and it sprung from a conversation about the Joe Rogan podcast and then onto sport which JR is quite vocal about. We then moved on to quite a few of the other issues.

It was probably simpler for me because DS wasn't hugely aware or invested either way.

Does she have any interests or hobbies that could be a talking point? Or any real life experiences that might make feminism more real and less conceptual to her?