Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

@highame thankyou. One of my anxieties has been blaming myself for being naive, gullible, making poor choices, choosing the worst father for my child in terms of male role model....being judged by those who are not in a similar situation. But when you're in love, you try to accommodate and compromise, hoping it will get better, but it only gets worse. I had no understanding or awareness that a seemingly ordinary decent bloke who was actually very masculine in appearance, attitude and thinking, could even be like that. Even when the signs started to appear, I dismissed it. Raising awareness of this to other women is so important. Had I known, I would have run a mile.

Thankyou, only now do I realise the extent of my nightmare.

Boujie123 and you get the added bonus of those without experience of being Trans Widows giving any support we can

Welcome Boujie123 - I'm glad you found us and have got away and living a happier and healthier life now.

I'm so relieved to find this thread after 10 years of living with this. I tried everything to accommodate it, and have just now finally managed to get rid of him and set up on my own with my child. Our life now is healthy and financially stable. It is such a relief not to be living daily with his secrets and seedy behaviour. Finally, finding Trans Widows I feel seen and heard. Every support group I attended was all about me finding a way to accommodate his transition. Some of the suggestions and matter-of-fact approach to something that is horrific and traumatic, left me feeling more tortured and isolated. Reading other stories on here, there are so many similarities- selfishness, obsession with their trans journey, secrets, chaotic living, behaving like men ie inability to run a house or do housework. Such a relief to find out I am not alone. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. I am crying with relief xxxx

@socialworker222, this is so true. It's horrifying even to briefly imagine what my life would be like now if I had stayed in my marriage. Despite all the pain and emotional/physical/monetary costs of it, moving on was the right thing to do, and in retrospect, the only choice that allowed me to stay sane.

A lot is worth the peace of having him gone.
It's easy to overlook what has stopped (as we usually focus on what is going on): I now don't have to deal with a man with a secret, a man living a double-life, a man not interested in his children or home life, wasted family monies, treading around someone who is self-absorbed and moody, and the unhappiness of being with someone who has a warped view of womanhood, which inevitably impacted my self-confidence and sense of self. I make decisions about our life, home and relationships, and have peace of mind.
It cost a lot, years of impacted health and sleep, financial stress which is ongoing, and seeing my children's hearts broken. But you can't beat freedom, and disentangling yourself from someone whose self-centredness is toxic and at odds with family life. There aren't many women on these threads regretting their decision to split and go it alone, however difficult it is particuarly in the early years.

Things are going to be a struggle financially around here for a few years and it's cheaper for me to stay in the house than rent just because of how low our mortgage is. So, as much as I hate this house, I am going to stay in it so that I can continue to homeschool my kids. I don't think I can go back to work full-time in my chosen profession and be the mother my children are going to need for the next few years, so I have resigned myself to scratching by and trying to figure out a way to pay down debt. Nonetheless, the financial struggle is worth the peace of having him gone.

We sold our house as part of the divorce and I've been in rentals ever since. I probably won't own a home again until I can retire and move to a lower cost-of-living area (more affordable than where I currently live for my job.) It's frustrating but I can live with that. It's better than any scenario in which I stayed with my ex. Who could never live within a budget even before all the mad shopping sprees that seem to go along with MTF transition.

And actually I'm now much more financially secure than I was when I was with ex. He was in massive debt then, although he earned a lot of money with his own business. He had a property abroad and although he kept trying to get me to put his name on the deeds of my house I never "got round to it". Fast forward to now, his business went belly up because he lost all his clients, he lives in a one bed rented flat, the property abroad was repossessed but was in negative equity so he's stuck with unpaid mortgage debt as well as other debt, he is unemployed and on universal credit. Imagine if I'd stuck with him?

Happy New Year ladies, or is it? Mine has (of course) not kept to his promise that everything would stop.

He's dialled it down, threw the androgen blockers and breast enlargement pills and some sex toys out but it's still there. I caught him messaging some random guy with pictures of him in his maid outfit last week. He called that "an error of judgement" ffs. The picture is his fucking screensaver on his phone. There's a couple of dodgy things come up on the youtube history. He's been looking at outfits, shoes and butt plugs on Wish. He knows that a lot of this stuff is shared but either he's too dumb to hide it properly or he doesn't care.

I'm so fucking tired of it. I feel nothing but contempt for him. I'd like to split but I'd lose my home as he'd be entitled to a share that would be more than I could raise to buy him out.

Our improving sex life has ground to a halt again because I don't want to be with him. There's nothing attractive about him at all.

I am over-eating again to compensate. I feel like I'm in quicksand. I just want out now but I have no idea how I'm going to get rid of him. I can't even sleep cos this shit is going round in my brain 24/7.

I need a plan. I have work to do.

Southern, I'm glad yours is finally gone, and condolences to you and the kids xx

@themiserychick- I hope you find your psychologist helpful. Therapy has been such a great experience for me. It has truly helped me get through some of this disaster. You are not a failure. He is the one who has failed you.

It's my birthday tomorrow and it will be three weeks since he moved out. I don't miss him. One of my kids doesn't even miss him either. The kids are both still reeling from the loss of their grandfather, but it seems like a fairly absent father has not had as much impact as I might have thought. My daughter did ask to start seeing a counselor, which I have set up. During the (separate from mine) parental intake appointment, he did not disclose his desire to transition to daughter's therapist because he didn't "think it was relevant." It so ticks me off. Of course, it's relevant. If his transition is so all-fired important, why is he remaining in the closet?

misery I think many of us felt like a failure, wondered what we could have done to avert this, and what our part in it was. Problem is for many people the behaviours of transitioning spouses is unreasonable and intolerable, so the way you feel is entirely okay, and how many of us felt. Psychologist sounds great, and therapy will help you work this.out including the difficult conversation. Taking your time, thinking through what you want, and leaning on supportive people will get you there. Have you decided what you want to do?

I had my last appointment with my social worker on Monday, as I'm starting therapy with a psychologist on Friday. I couldn't contain my emotions and cried a lot talking about the relationship. She made me realise that I actually rarely put myself first. I know break up is coming, but I'm having trouble actually starting the conversation, I know that he won't. Anxiety is pretty high. I feel like a failure.

Southern, my deepest sympathies for your loss. You're being the responsible parent for your grieving children, please take care of yourself as best you can in all of this.

Regarding your concerns about your soon-to-be ex losing his job... I guess one glimmer of hope in this is that transition is expensive, so there's an incentive to stay employed to be able to afford the new clothes, makeup, electrolysis, etc. My ex, at least, prioritized staying employed for that reason, and also was good about paying child support to avoid wage garnishment.

I fully expect him to go off the rails. His mental stability is pretty fragile at this point anyway. My only hope is he doesn't lose his job.

He died today. I have spent my entire day with my inconsolable children, just holding them and helping them cry. This is too much.

I'm so sorry Southern. That's just too much.

Because my poor children haven't suffered enough. My father-in-law (who I adore) is in the ICU and not expected to make it through the day. The kids were able to Facetime with him to say goodbye. I feel like we have reached our limit of pain and grief around here.
I also worry that this will escalate spouse's "transition activities."

God help us.