Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

It's a reasonable, reality-based rage. The behaviour of the men is like many who treat women and children with contempt for all sorts of reasons, but I found the invisibility, the denial, the biased media coverage the worst thing. I hang on to the fact that I, my family, our mutual friends, and a lot of people know exactly what goes on, and those hard facts stand. But yes, some days are sweary days

I wish I could be more conflict averse. I keep stirring up trouble. I feel such anger about the treatment of trans widows. The stories on the website make my blood boil. Who do these worthless men think they are that they just get to desert their children? And the society that celebrates this? I have nothing but curse words to impart today.

Feeling a bit less cowardly today. Sending positive vibes to all of you

@TieYourCannons, I completely understand how you would be conflict adverse and not want to deal with your ex at all. I certainly didn't want to! But I am concerned that if you don't have a court order of some kind in place, you could wind up in a worse situation years from now. Such as your ex asking for backdated alimony or contesting custody or some other such bullsh**. So it might be worth considering.

@Boujie123, I'm very glad to hear you're working with someone. The reality is that all of this is a total mindf**k and I know I would not been able to get past it without the help of a really good therapist.

Oh! Was thinking dear mother . It took me about a year to work out the MN acronyms.

Sorry, what's DM?

Interesting article. It's not something I entirely relate to, as my GP knows what's going on because he told her to get a referral to another doctor. Interestingly she was very angry on my behalf when I finally went to see her about getting a mental health plan. The shadowing thing is really manipulate. In a way I'm lucky mine isn't like that, he doesn't copy me because I'm not outwardly feminine enough (utilitarian was his wording). But that just led to an existential crisis of sorts where I thought maybe I'm not being a proper women.

@NCforFWR I'm sorry that you're going through this. We can all relate here. The cross dressing won't go away, and he will likely stop keeping it to himself at some point.

People are giving good advice but part of the problem is that I am extremely conflict averse. A coward, basically I hope that by ignoring a problem it will go away. He has gone away and I fear that getting in touch with him for any reason whatsoever will precipitate him coming back into our lives. This fear is compounded by the fact that I have no support network (apart from here). There’s no one to lean on if I get overwhelmed. I remember the state I was in when it all kicked off. I had help at that time but not now so would struggle to manage work, childcare, homeschooling, and my own sanity and wellbeing.

The only way to not hurt the children in the short term would be if he presented with a male appearance. But in the long-term this would be worse if he was planning a big reveal. The time he ‘came out’ to me he said ‘I’m leaving it up to you to decide when but some day they will have to know they have two mothers.’ Well fuck that for a start. Only one person parents them and that’s me, their mother. If he doesn’t intend to be in their lives he should have clarified that, not done a disappearing act and start sending random items three years later.

Maybe a short message along the lines of ‘What are your intentions towards the DC? The sporadic appearance of gifts is upsetting for them, especially when I cannot answer any questions that arise from that.’ (I am taking in everything everyone is saying, even though I will doubtless procrastinate for some time longer).

I live in terror that he will turn up at the house one day to collect our son dressed like a grotesque drag queen, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. That's the thing isn't it, @Boujie123 They don't seem able to consider the effect of their actions on others.

@NCforFWR Kik is a messaging app that hides your phone number. If he's describing himself as a sissy it could be a submissive fantasy/fetish confined to the bedroom and may not progress to transitioning but I'd definitely have a word sooner rather than later.

Cannons I agree with Spartacus; I wouldn't rush to give them to the kids, but perhaps communicate with him formally to say as she suggests (either communicate sensitively and fully or not at all). I'd hang on to the toys and see what happens; you're unlikely soon to need to explain this to the kids and I'd try not to let it pressure you. It's typical of the intermittent, self-absorbed and basically crap, insensitive parenting we see a lot with late-transitioning men.
Boujie agree entirely about support; it's very difficult to tell a GP, or therapist, that you're unhappy with a partner transitioning, and we know from these threads that women often need both involved to survive day-to-day while keeping household/kids going, and need to receive non-judgemental, non-partisan, non-trans-support-agency help.
Sadly NC most women on here have not found that cross-dressing urges 'go away' or subside naturally. It usually goes on secretively and often escalates to transition. 'Sissy' stuff means men role-playing women being degraded; misogynistic and disturbing and again very common behaviour in late-transitioning men. Many female partners find the notion of wanting to be degraded/abused, in stereotypical clothing offensive and a major turn-off. So your partner is certainly living some sort of secret life. You may need to decide to stop snooping (tempting we know) to save your sanity, or confront this; before you do either I guess you need to work out if you would want to stay with someone with that fetish. Sometimes people get on with it privately, and women feel they can stay; sometimes they try to get partners involved in treating them in that way sexually. You'll have your own feelings on the matter.

@NCforFWR Welcome.
I am so sorry that you are in this position. I am certain that you will not be able to find a happy compromise with your husband. It sounds like his secretive habits are well-established and he's likely only to get more assertive in seeking to satisfy his needs. Don't put yourself through it. We are here for you xxx

@QuinnMovesOn
Good advice thankyou. I have nightmares (literally) and flashbacks of my husband in his female persona. Coincidentally I do have my first appointment with therapist next week.

Also I wouldn't advise googling "sissy" stuff as it's very upsetting.

I don't even know what any of this means..

I can help you there - it means you should LTB.

Hello everyone.

I've dipped in and out of your threads as a lurker for a while, as I discovered that my husband was cross dressing shortly after our wedding. I've seen of heard nothing since (nothing except growing and filing his nails, which I know other men do actually do) and I thought it had either died a death or he just kept it on the down low and to himself.

He's very secretive of his phone, and I have previously caught him chatting up other women on various platforms (please don't judge me here) so I sometimes take a sneaky peek when it's unattended.
I've discovered something new and he is chatting with others on Kik (?) and he refers to himself as a "sissy" and importantly I think, the other people are men. I didn't get to read the full conversations, just saw the one line preview, where I saw the reference to sissy.

I don't even know what any of this means, other than Kik being a messaging app. What's a sissy??! I did try and Google it but it wasn't really very clear I'm pretty naïve to these matters as well which doesn't help things. Is he gay? Bisexual? Is this some kind of cross dressing lingo?

Not really sure where my head's at. I always thought that if he's keeping his cross dressing to himself, then 🤷 but this feels like it's changing the fundamentals of our marriage. I will be gradually reading your threads, probably from the beginning as I don't understand any of the politics/ins and outs etc. It will probably take me a while to catch up, but if anyone can just commiserate or talk to me, I'd appreciate it!

Thank you!

Didn't even see the date on it. Seemed so relev2, I assumed it was contemporary! Crazy.....
It does reflect the stigma attached to the woman.
You're right, the fear would always hang around like a bad smell!

@TieYourCannons
"Let's all celebrate their bravery for giving in to every sexual impulse they ever dreamed of in their depraved little porn obsessed minds, and throwing their kids under the bus in the process."
Spot on. You are completely right.
Big hugs to you xxxx