Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

@TinselAngel via ‘phobic’ complaints to the company. It is unlikely he’d try that though honestly as I am his source of finances currently. And I’d hope my employer has more sense than to cater to an estranged spouse. Not much of a very realistic fear.

@QuinnMovesOn I’ve a monitoring service on our account that does show changes in credit bureau information. That is good advice to double check that it will show anything under his name alone.

@SeasideMaureen, I think you'll feel better after a legal consult, where you know what your rights are and what your soon-to-be ex's legal obligations will be. It sounds like you're doing better in terms of boundaries on finances, but if you haven't already set an alert in case your ex opens a credit card or credit line jointly in your names, that might be something else to consider.

I wish you all the best in this... it's so hard to deal with, but your life will be better on the other side.

@QuinnMovesOn I still need to do a legal consult. I’ve divorced once in the same location I am in but that was without a child so I have been researching what requirements/paperwork that adds to the process.

The firmer boundaries around finances have been helpful and they were set pretty early on seeing the advice here and elsewhere. So at least financially it is just like a pay for a terrible live-in child minder that needs sacked. (the humor helps me)

You know @TinselAngel that is just the thing I guess. What really can he do? Guess I worry about how blind people become and how a man in this situation can do no wrong as it’s so ‘brave’. In terms of him tearing down my friendships by painting me in a bad light oh well as those would be people I don’t need in my life anyways. I worry more about causing me a job loss. Or alienation from DC. Not certain how successful either of those things would be should he attempt them. A re-focus on getting all the ducks in a row has helped and recognizing what small steps I have taken to prepare. The nearly year now of isolation is just taking its toll.

Will bookmark that article to read.

Omg. That's horrific. My god. Sorry, not very helpful.

"I told her not to hit me and that hurt her deeply, because of course that sounds like I was implying she was physically abusing me"

OMFG.

I actually feel nauseous after reading that. It's horrific.

@SeasideM, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this ongoing situation. Have you talked to a solicitor/divorce lawyer about this situation? A divorce is an awful thing to go through but I and others here can testify that life can be a lot better on the other side.

@TieYourCannons I don’t know how we counter it. I can really see him using that though. Near the beginning of his announcement he used the threat once but hasn’t vocalized it since.

With most people that know I am having problems I have to emphasize the narc behavior and how he is treating DC. The transition part and how he’s manipulated and lied has a protected status. With some I just don’t discuss it at all as I’ve lost my ability to use language that reflects my reality and experience.

Hello all. Been in lurking mode for a while as not a lot has changed in my situation and still being inside this much what I can offer to others is validation that YES this is a problem you’ve a right to have feelings about and you’ve not lost your mind.

He’s still here and still pretty neglectful of DC. Up and down with minimal household contribution. Through the good advice here I’ve gotten better over this 9 months or so at financial boundaries. What finances I do allow I treat as paying someone live-in to child mind and do light chores. Still on the phone all hours and obsessed with superficial stereotypes. The level of detachment from reality is unreal and combined with the isolation of the ongoing stay at home I have a hard time coping some days. I just can’t see how someone could be so completely self absorbed and how in the current climate those of us in this situation have few if any places we can be frank about what is going on.

Working through my feelings about having ignored so many red flags and letting it get to this point. I know someday I and DC will be on the other side of this but oh how I will I had it in me to just toss him out outright and let him figure it out in his own how to find somewhere to live with zero income. With it being this issue though there is a fear that he’d use his stunning and brave status to ruin things for me and DC.

Say that threats of suicide in order to get your own way are a common tactic of abusers.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(I fucking love you tinsel)

That is true too, a form of direct emotional manipulation. But I'm not thinking about an actual current threat of suicide, more along the lines of suicide being used as a excuse for irresponsible behaviour. "I had to do this thing or I would have died." So no matter what I say about the effect on the kids, etc. it all boils down to it having been a life and death choice for him.

Maybe one could say 'Yes, I've felt suicidal too, raising these children on my own and managing the burden of family life and work with no break and no support. But they'd have nobody if I killed myself so I put them first, like parents are supposed to." Maybe?

(I'm not trying to belittle real depression and suicidal thoughts by the way. I'm talking specifically about it being used by narcissists as a get out clause in an argument where they know their behaviour is indefensible).

I've been thinking, and this probably applies to a lot of women here: if I ever were to confront him about abandoning his kids his defense would likely be that he would have ended up dead had he not 'transitioned'. That he would have been so depressed he'd have committed suicide, so this thing literally saved his life. It's bollocks, but what do you say to that? It's their trump card, but how can you counter it?

I second that. Their absolute narcissism and inability to empathise with or prioritise others means they cannot (and refuse to even if they have some inkling) put other people first, even their children. I built up a network of close female friends who have supported me and vice versa to mitigate the lack of support from the children's biological father.

I had to have major surgery a year ago and ex chose that exact week to have cosmetic surgery so that they could not look after the children while I was in hospital. They also refused to drive for 3 months afterwards so didn't even see the children the whole time I was recovering and unable to drive myself.

No one is more important and their stunning and brave journey supersedes everything.

@SouthernTW, I wish I could say something optimistic here, but I just can't. Narcissism, at least with my ex, means he is not even thinking of anyone other than himself. Definitely not his children. So the idea that you and the kids could be stressed out over a natural disaster like this, that thought may not even occur to him.

I also don't have any local family, and to compensate for that, I've built up a network of friends who can help when I need it. In particular, I have a dear friend who is also a single mother and we trade off helping each other. Like when her younger daughter was hospitalized, I drove her older daughter to visit her, and when my younger daughter broke a tooth, she took her to the dentist for me. My daughters know they can call on her if they need to. It definitely helps with the "but what if I'm not feeling well and the kids need something done for them" stress.

My heavens, what a sh*t show the last few days have been. A huge winter storm hit down here and millions have been without power and water. We were fortunate in that we only lost running water for two days. We were melting snow to flush toilets. I was doing everything I could to put on a happy face and not freak out for the kids. I feel this enormous burden now that literally it's all on me. I also have lots of anxiety and fear around what if something happens to me, who would take care of these kids. My family is not much to write home about and are far away from where we live anyway.

Spouse lost all power in his apartment so I let him stay here. Of course, this was after our water was restored. He had no concerns about us during that time. He looks almost feral. Gaunt, but tons of facial hair (the part that's not been lasered). He keeps saying he's not doing well. Not sure how living his "authentic life" is working out for him.

What @socialworker222 said.

You have a right to be angry!

It is completely justified. It is not overreacting. It is entirely appropriate.