Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

But mostly I regret ever taking part in the intimate aspects which were requested and then demanded of me.

The same here. The thing is... it was like a frog in boiling water, you know? First it was a little thing asked from me every now and then, and then a bit more, and then it took over completely. And it didn't help that the current society helped me to basically gaslight myself into thinking that anything kinky and sexual is not to be critiqued, so I told myself I should partake and the problem was with me. There's one aspect of this that still bothers me a huge amount but I can't really write about it here.

cupcakecontest The same thing happened to me. I had a difficult time recognising it as abuse too. It absolutely was. You have nothing to feel shame over. That is all his. Like others have said tell your therapist. You don't need to share details, they can still help you xx

Can't recommend therapy enough cupcake. And you can keep control of the detail, but address the way you felt and feel about you going forward. Historically on these threads and on TWV there is much that will resonate I'm sure.
But sadly Tinsels right. We get people wanting to get into detail here in ways that seem at times obvious and salacious and it can feel abusive and exploitative all over again, so we tread with care.
5 years out though? Sounds like you decided to leave and not keep going back which, however lonely and difficult, sounds like you freeing yourself?
It took me years to feel less ashamed and embarrassed, that I should have guessed, and that there was something deeply flawed in me and my marriage. I realized over time that I had many womens' sympathy and compassion, and that it is a very unusual and isolating nightmare. Its corny but boy you know you're strong as you emerge the other side.

“ Women are wary about sharing too much about that sort of things on here because we've had the occasional poster LARPing here to try and extract stories so they can get their rocks off.”
That’s exactly what I was worried about. I need to spend more time with the stories on the TWV site, I have only covered the first few pages. Also I was thinking just as I sent my last post that although I do not want to talk to my therapist about these issues today it’s possible I will eventually. Never say never. Little steps.

It’s frustrates me to know this so I know it will sound frustrating to read- I actually have had an EMDR trained therapist for the past 5 years but I haven’t brought up this specific issue with her. Partly because I’m so embarrassed that I participated in acts that I didn’t want to and which were off-putting to me but also because of this underlying feeling that it’s not “abuse” so I don’t get to have ptsd about it even if objectively the outward signs are there. I feel the most helpful thing would be to know that other women also feel the same way. That there are other women who performed these kinds of acts against their better judgement to placate someone who threatened to hurt themselves (or actually hurt themselves) if they didn’t go along with it AND pretend to not dread it. I’m mad at myself I think for “getting myself into” it. I know that if a friend were telling me the same exact story as it happened to HER I would not feel at all the same way about her as I do myself.

@TinselAngel, that was an amazing article and interview. I would have posted in the comments there but Discus is too easy to track back to my real name, and I really would like to avoid getting fired from my academia job.

@cupcakecontest, I'm also still dealing with the effects of the relationship with my former husband on my self-image and sexuality. It is not easy to unravel this. If you don't already have a good therapist, please consider getting one.

As for how I refer to my ex... it varies based on context. I do use his female name with friends who know him. But in therapy and here, I use his male pronouns, because that's my own business, not his. Being dragged along into my ex's AGP fantasy is something I still resent and am trying to recover from.

@cupcakecontest- it sounds to me as if you have some misplaced shame over what your ex required of you in the bedroom. Although I can understand why you would feel that way (especially after having read what so many TWs have experienced), it is not your fault and the shame is not yours to bear. But even knowing that in your head, it is difficult to actually feel that way. I highly recommend therapy from a therapist who specializes in trauma. This TW experience is most definitely traumatic. My therapy experience especially with EMDR has been very helpful.

Contrary to what many TWs have experienced, my stbx shut me out sexually for years and I internalized so much of it in terms of my weight and appearance. I naively believed if only I was thinner, prettier, something, he would want me. Little did I know all he wanted was to engage in sex online posing as a woman. I am having a hard time reconciling whether I can ever feel confident enough to be intimate with someone else in the future.

And yes, if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would have run screaming in the other direction from stbx.

crap, sorry - literally my cat posted my comment before I was done! I was saying it is like if I could go back in time, I would not have entered into the relationship with my ex at all (we were not married and did not have children) which maybe some others also feel? But mostly I regret ever taking part in the intimate aspects which were requested and then demanded of me.

thanks, SouthernTW, I will try. It has been more than 5 years since the last relationship relevant to the subject of this thread ended. I have been seeking out and reading similar stories from other women including in these threads here and seeing so many patterns very similar to what I experienced (narcissism, gaslighting, the heartbreak of losing ones partner). The part that has remained with me and seems to still affect me to this day (I have been celibate since!) is the way that the intimacy portion of the relationship has altered my relationship with my body and with sexuality altogether. I don't see many talking about the unpleasantness that can occur within the intimate part of a relationship. I am sure others have experienced it (?). There is this deep abiding shame even now 5+ years later and apparently an inability to venture back into relationships altogether because of it. It is both extremely embarrassing to talk about (I have never discussed it in person / in therapy with anyone) yet sometimes the only way to get past something is to get it out in the open. Its like

I loved it when MNHQ let even this little corner of FWR in this little corner of Mumsnet to be support only. But I guess times have changed.

I am sorry @cupcakecontest. Try to post again?

Yes, we homeschool and have for six years now. Being a single mom homeschooling has its challenges but it's the right thing for my kids, so I will find a way. I'm glad my kids are at least older.

I'm sorry @cupcakecontest. Is there a way to make your post slightly more ambiguous so that we can lend you support?

Just use the name? (Or a fake name like Torquil or something ambisexual like Kay?) It sucks swamp through a straw, but it now seems that even when asking for help women have to be circumspect to a ludicrous degree.

Well after months of lurking, my first post was deleted. I feel pretty stupid, it took a long time to work up the courage to post, asking for support. I do not know where else to go for support with this issue. How can women talk about the abuse they experienced if they cannot refer to the abuser? Does a woman who suffered abuse by a man really have to refer to her abuser as a woman even when that sort of gaslighting was part of the abuse? I am genuinely asking for help, these are real questions.

@SouthernTW, I'm in a similar situation. I apparently acquired all the social skills and ability to relate to our children as my side of the division of marital assets! But seriously... my ex's ability to create a meaningful relationship with our children is no longer my problem. Ditto that for you. My ex did next to nothing of the parenting work when we were married. And unsurprisingly, that hasn't changed since the divorce.

I do agree that it is important to make sure you still have an adult life outside of being a parent, though, as Tinsel indicated. I hope you have a support network that can help with that.

My kids are 10 and 12 and are old enough to decide how they want to spend their time. If he wants to have a relationship with them, it's on him to figure out a way to do that. I won't force it, especially knowing what's coming down the pike. I told him before he moved out that he didn't have any relational equity with them. I'm not propping up his lack of parenting any longer. I believe that children benefit from having fathers, but if he doesn't want to be one, there is no benefit to them. They already have a mother and a damn good one at that.

I did everything from the time they were born and I will continue to do everything until they move out. My only ask from him any longer is that he continue to make the financial contributions he has agreed to. I'm not a martyr and am working on my ability to ask for and accept help from friends (not my strong suit, but improving).

On an unrelated note, I read the piece on the transwidow's voices site about Beth. Although I don't have any of those particulars, I resonated so much with her final sentence, " I have friends and family around me, I have work that matters. I have a sense of purpose and I am at peace."

Wondering if I'm the only one who reads MTF to mean something other than male to female?

We've started discussing details of divorce filings and the kids are rejecting their father more and more each day (and they still don't even know of the reason). My son chose his martial arts class over going with dad to opening day of MLB. My daughter did one overnight at dad's and said she's fine with visiting, but would rather sleep in her own bed. So, I just parent 100% of the time and he loses whatever little bit of relationship he might have had. I have been so fortunate in having helpful and dependable friends and he has his "friends" on the internet and the creepy therapist.

Although I'm an American, I've been following with interest the info out of the UK on the poor results of puberty blockers. There is part of me that is hopeful that the tide may be turning.

I wish we could talk about just how repulsive this all is. But that's not allowed in the current political climate. More than just taking over women's spaces and sports, but just literally cringeworthy to think that womanhood is something that is a caricature or costume.

The estranged spouse has taken to calling the kids four to five times a week. Even the kid who actually still likes him wishes he wouldn't call so much. My oldest won't stay overnight with him. And spouse isn't even openly presenting as "female." Not my job to prop up his parenting (or lack thereof) any longer.

I remember reading that article in 2015, right after my now-ex declared he was "a woman in a man's body" and I was desperately searching for information and a life preserver. What she says on page 7 hit me then, and it hits me now, because it so perfectly expressed what I felt: that the cross-dressed male in thrall to his fetish is unnerving because he looks you right in the eye and you know that he's getting a sexual thrill from parading in front of you and parading it (the fetish) in front of you.

I doubt the Atlantic would publish that piece today: 2003's cross-dresser is today's transgender woman, and anyone who had the temerity to quote Blanchard would be instantly labeled a transphobe.