Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Maureen sorry you feel so alone - that's what we're here for.
You hit the nail on the head when you say that you can't flick that switch BECAUSE he's your husband and child's father! It's intolerable for many women, we just don't hear much about them in the media as there is only interest in those women who stay.
For many of us it was intolerable to live with and see, upsetting, repellant, offensive, distressing.
Don't beat yourself up for not seeing what was to come; you couldn't have known and like many women in your position, you waited and hoped it wouldn't escalate. That's you being committed, kind, positive...
I'm not surprised you're hoping he'll leave; in the end I had to ask my husband to leave because he would have stayed put. Only you know how long you can wait until - if he doesn't leave, and you don't magically feel okay about the hormones and the hair removal - you do.
He may not have had any challenge from the counsellor about other causes/problems; we've noted on these threads a lot that therapists tend to 'validate' and support, and often don't or can't challenge this.
This is a long process, and very painful and lonely. No wonder you are starting to grieve your hopes for a family life; I never ever expected to be divorced/estranged and it is a wound I feel several years on, and imagine I will always have as part of my life story.
But it doesn't mean you can't survive and thrive. Work and children are a great focus.
Try to give you energy and attention to working out what you want, what you can do, and what you need.
We're here.

Really tough for you miricles. And you're right, you can't make them leave. I guess you'll need to decide to formalize that by seeking legal advice. Some solicitors give a first short session for free to outline your rights, which might help.
You might need to ask for a proper discussion, sit down, have a written list of what you want to say/ask. And find out finally where he stands and let him know how you feel.
You can do that quite kindly, laying out the need to separate properly, so that he can get on with his new (brave and stunning) life, and you can start again. That can sound quite reasonable and kind if you want it to.
If you hit a brick wall, you either sit tight and wait (I'm not sure for what, given how bad you feel), or get advice.
You need some sort of financial clean break; it might mean you have to sell up, but being financially independent and free is really liberating. I certainly struggled to see our joint household income going on secret 'female' props, so I don't know how you will tolerate supporting him on an ongoing basis.
Sounds like time to lay it on the line? I'm wondering what's stopping you.
Not that it's easy of course...

Sorry about the blurb at the bottom, not sure what happened there.

lizziebun I'm struck by how badly you want to make this work, and how you kind of assumed with each progression of his 'journey, you wondered whether YOU were the problem.
You quite clearly aren't. But I think women in this position often think they can somehow stop the juggernaut.
I get why you want to stay married but don't feel very optimistic that this will be reversible. Many women on this thread have decided to sit tight, for financial/legal/children reasons, and to give it time to see whether their partners change their minds. I've no idea how many do, but on these threads you'll find a lot of women whose hope was dashed.
So you may need to sit tight to really be sure that this is permanent; on the other hand you may feel you are giving good years of your life - including the opportunity to have more children - while you wait.
It's really distressing when you believe in marriage (I'm not religious, but I got married and regarded it as something unique, and permanent), and you find yourself facing this. But remember that this is pretty much out of your control. I don't imagine the situation will revert to how it was, and I'd be rooting for you, what you want, and your future.
If you want a solid marriage and more children, at some point you may need to cut your losses. Crucially this was not your fault or your failure.

efully find love again, maybe have more kids with someone who'd actually like to be a dad. I have so much guilt like maybe i caused this somehow. it's so sad and confusing... but here we are... I can't wait to get to know you all

@Iworkmiricles Are you married to him? If yes, there is someone you can turn to - a good divorce lawyer. You jointly own the house.

Everything you write says this relationship is over. What's stopping you? An independent you, free from the stress of a meh relationship would be the best thing you could give your kids.

I don't really know where to turn to at the moment, I am wanting them out, we are in separate rooms, but looking at the citizens advice information because their name is on the mortgage, I can't actually make them leave.
My argument to this is that they contribute nothing to the household and haven't for a number of years and why should I continue to support them? Why should they be able to live as they want for free, with no responsibilities
. I have been looking at online dating sites, but find that my situation is so bizarre that no man is interested in me. I can't even say how long I have been separated because I'm not, yet I am. So confused with life. I feel so lonely at the moment too, because I don't see anyone except those in the house, and I feel I can't make contact with anyone either because of the situation with the girls Dad.
Any suggestions on what I can do would be really helpful.
Feeling very confused and lonely at the moment, whilst she sits there in her wig and clothes, and we just can't seem to talk about it.

@MaureenJSL it isn't HRT - that's what menopausal women have to replace their own dwindling natural female hormones. It's cross sex hormones - alien to the male sexed body. Hang onto that fact and use the right terms when talking about it with him!

I hate this so much. I wish I could flip a switch and be ok with it. If it weren’t my husband and father of my kid it would have no impact on my life and wouldn’t much matter. I hate that I didn’t end it at the first thing, not seeing them that it would escalate. Venting a bit here as some moments I want to try just some sort of parenting marriage to provide stability and others I just hope he will find someone in his forum/chat and leave. He has been chatting with a counselor and contacted some place that I guess is a gender transition place. Appointment soon to see about HRT. At this point he says he doesn’t have plans of more than electrolysis and HRT. Doesn’t seem like any work to go into depression or any other issue that could be at the root. He’s told a couple more friends. I haven’t said a word to anyone. Trying to concentrate on work and focus on the kid. Just seeing photos/shows/etc of families hurts right now.

I am grappling with whether or not to divorce him or keep hoping he changes his mind. I am very religious and don't believe in divorce and believe a marriage is forever.

The series of deceptions your husband perpetrated on you is a very common pattern. I suggest that you may want to get religious counseling on divorce since it is a matter of fraud.
I am so sorry he did this to you. You are not responsible for being deceived. He is responsible for deceiving you.
These are my words to live by, and I offer them to you in hopes they will help you avoid the obstacles on the path ahead of you.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hello everyone

I've been pointed in the direction of this thread and would like to ask some questions if I may?

My ex husband of 22 years hid his x-dressing until the very end of our relationship. Very little explanation, and just upped and left. Immediately got himself into a relationship with a very young Asian woman (whose dream was to live in the UK) and has had 2 more kids in the space of 3 years (our kids are grown up and ex absolutely hated the baby stage and would never let me have another baby). He is 54!

In the brief discussion we had, he told me that he'd been dressing up since the age of 7 (in his mum's underwear) and then continued to use his sisters clothes and then onto mine (I had no idea). When he reached 50, he went hell for leather with the dressing (wigs, bras, sanitary products, corsets, make up etc, etc) but still said "it's just a hobby, a bit like golf"!!!!

He is now stuck with this particular woman who was a prostitute and also seemingly obsessed by her looks and dresses very tartily (he looks like one of those sad old Western sex tourists). He's put on weight, gone grey over night and is now an alcoholic.

My question is....... what the hell is going on in his head? We had a lovely married (crap sex life) but were "seemingly" really happy.

Hi Lizzie. I think you have to Report your post to MN and explain why you need it changed or deleted but you can't edit it yourself. I'll write some more later. So sorry to hear about your situation. It's heartbreaking to read.

sorry does anyone know if the OP can edit their post? I had a few details i wanted to edit... thanks :) like he tried to leave me a year and a half ago not a year ago

Hello, thanks so much for having me in the group .. I can't wait to get to know you all. I just wanted to post an intro post. i'm a 30 year old woman. My spouse and i just hit our 5th wedding anniversary a few days ago. It's been a rough 5 years. Our first year of marriage, my spouse came out as bisexual within months . This was a bit troubling, bc I thought maybe the "gay" revelation was next, and this was perhaps a way to ease in . We were both from very religious backgrounds, and virgins at marriage so we are eachother's only person and I wonder if that's part of why all this came out after being married (and honestly our sex life was always... seriously lacking I could never pleasure him :( now I see maybe I don't suck... he'd allude to having some mysterious major issues in this area but I didn't know what he meant and I think he didn't either at that time). maybe something felt wrong to my spouse about being with a woman and triggered them to come out ? i'm not sure. both related to and not related to these issues we have grown apart in our marriage but have tried to keep it together. We tried over a year to have a baby, my spouse didn't seem fully ready and wanted to wait, but motherhood is my biggest calling in life, so he agreed to try. I already knew I might have fertility issues on my end. His numbers weren't awesome either, but we got pregnant naturally eventually.

My marriage was not great before but not horrible it always felt like there was something off, but the pregnancy was when things really fell apart, sadly. I got what i always dreamed of (motherhood that is my life calling... but lost my husband)... What I now know is this pregnancy and parenthood thing was the trigger for my spouse to finally fully realize he is transgender and feels like a woman and mother not a father (he had thoughts before according to him but then they got really strong at that time where he felt like he had to live as a woman). He wanted to be pregnant and give birth.I accidentally discovered a post on a trans group of his that basically stated his major motherhood dysphoria. I struggled worse than ever with anxiety and depression when pregnant and he struggled too, though I didn't know. I now see what he was going through. He was basically checked out during this time and i felt it was because i was the worst wife and pregnant woman. We had our daughter in march of 2018. My spouse seemed really depressed and surprisingly not very engaged w the baby at times, esp because he loves kids, and that's one thing I always loved about him. our third anniversary was may 2018 and he told me that day he was unhappy in the marriage. he almost left me a year ago one night and I know he was thinking of ending the marriage, and I didn't know why? I thought I sucked as a wife. He decided to stay. i thought yay i have one more chance! We continued to be disconnected but we tried to make things work, but they just never seemed to work. the whole marriage it just never seemed to work for some reason.

My spouse did allude to wanting to be a woman/mother several times in the last year, but I thought it was a total joke as he has a sense of humor. He would say he'd be a great woman, or wished he could breastfeed that sorta thing... but it had to be a joke I thought nothing of it. That longing to have another baby kicked in for me more and more as the months went on (i adore motherhood i always wanted to have several babies and close in age) , and I started really pushing to have another baby as I wanted it with all my heart. He kept saying he didn't know if he wanted more babies and it broke my heart. My longing to be a mother again was so strong. One night in July (july 29), he flat out told me that it's not a good time for a baby because he feels like a woman inside and will be medically transitioning. My world collapsed that night. Actually I thought it was a joke at first. But in the coming days it collapsed. Things moved fast from there. My spouse now is DeeDee to our daughter bc I want to be mom (he wants to be "mom" tho too but i'm not ready for that; maybe i will never be ready for that we will see). My spouse quickly started wearing makeup and womens clothing. He goes by a new name and has transtioned to being a woman at work. new name... All of that happened very quickly and it was hard to process. He moved out 3 months post coming out bc i'd cry every night for him to not do this, to stay a man, and a husband, and a dad. :( We were amicable but separated for months and did things a few times a week together w our toddler and he watched her all day once a week. He is a decent person and seems to love us but not enough to put us above this transition :( really makes me feel low

so he started hormones in February. He still looks like a man but is growing boobs. Since the pandemic hit we have been not seeing eachother much bc we are in an area of the USA where there are tons of cases and he works at a facility with a very large amount of cases. Soon we will start doing in person visits again.

I am grappling with whether or not to divorce him or keep hoping he changes his mind. I am very religious and don't believe in divorce and believe a marriage is forever. I have asked him though and he said he will not go back to being a man. i'd love to move on and hopefully find love again, maybe have more kids with someone who'd actually like to be a dad. I have so much guilt like maybe i caused this somehow. it's so sad and confusing... but here we are... I can't wait to get to know you all

@TinselAngel wow yes that thread hits home very much. Everything in the world must relate to his problems. I have this virus, a small kid, my hobbies, stressful work, finances to worry about, a house to manage, etc. Even if I could dump all my adult responsibilities to focus on you I wouldn’t. Already getting pressure to decide future things and that whole “nothing would really change” line. Maddening.

@socialworker222 thank you for the warm welcome. (I’m American so being able to pretend even for a moment of being a coffee morning of any type feels wonderful ). His parents don’t know yet. He has one friend he has been talking to but she lives in another state so not like it impacts her life at all. Just reading through has helped so much seeing how not alone we are no matter where we are in the journey.

@PercyPotato Bravo on standing up to the narc behavior!!!

Welcome Percy... never quite right or enough struck a chord with me. I wonder now whether my ex has found fulfillment and happiness through wearing miniskirts and heels. His restless dissatisfaction with life pervaded our marriage, and I gave many years trying to make him happy, including some major family decisions and moves.
I'm glad you can see that he is now angry about himself, but taking it out on you. I lost respect for the adult parent I was married to, as the self-absorption, petulance and entitlement grew, and it is very hard to come back from that.
Sounds like you are moving towards a decision to split and I hope you have support with that. We're all here whatever you decide to do, and a lot of people caution getting legal protection for your future. Keep us posted. I hope you have some real-life friends and family too who can be alongside you.
And welcome Maureen (sorry, I'm making this sound like a strange coffee morning...). I think my ex believed my teens and I would actually thrive on the 'woke' trend, and his impeccable timing, doing his announcement just as trans exploded in the UK in 2015. He said he thought we would all be fine with it, because we were left-wing and liberal/tolerant people.
It is of course your marriage, your life, your hopes for the future, and your child. Not a badge or medal of tolerance.
Sounds like whatever you eventually decide to do, gently moving him towards some financial independence, getting some legal and financial advice for yourself, and bringing in some loved ones/friends to support you, is a good move even if you change your mind and stay with him. You'll probably need all those things if you decide to stay.
I'm not sure reading your post whether his parents know? Or whether you've told any of your friends or family?
Good luck, we're here. There's loads of information and advice, and our stories which were, for me, the most powerful part of these threads, as the behaviours of partners were so horribly familiar over and over again.

@MaureenJSL -

"He asked if I had told anyone yet like friends. Um no! He has also said that it may wind up being good “social currency”."

wow! social currency?

With regards to telling people, I told my ex he must come out and tell everyone what was going on. Unfortunately, it made me look like the bad guy, because it gave the appearance that we had broken up as a result of him "coming out". We broke up weeks before he told anyone, but the mistake I made, was not telling anyone straight away that we'd broken up.

I only told my parents because mum got sick and was in ICU for a few days with blood poisoning and I needed to tell someone what had been going on in my life. So, a couple of things - it's OK to break it off because he wants to be full time female. You didn't sign up for that. It's OK to be angry about it. Don't fall for the emotional manipulation. If you do want to do something, go to counseling, either for you both, or for you.

Sending hugs

@TinselAngel yes I should do work on the legal side of things and get some advice. My last divorce was financially terrible but straightforward with no children involved. I personally need to work on communication skills and advocating for myself anyways so have been doing more of that. Did bring up today to him about getting him his own bank account “just in case” and from an adult empowerment angle. Getting him set up to be independent I feel will help me in the long run as it will be hard enough to be tied forever by having our child. Didn’t mention AGP specifically but did they delve a little bit to see if he’s actually considered things or went directly to his current conclusion. Not feeling a lot of point in that as of course someone can say whatever they want. I did kind of want to temperature check though If he’s gone off the deep end of TRA or something. That is not his personality but for my safety wanted to check if that makes sense. Planning on more reading through the previous threads and get a handle on my escape plan. At this point I see a low chance of it stopping and a high chance I cannot live with it as a spouse. Not at 100% yet but close. Not my problem but I still don’t think he gets that no amount of HRT is going to make him half his age.

He asked if I had told anyone yet like friends. Um no! He has also said that it may wind up being good “social currency”. Ugh. No thank you I don’t want to be the token “edgy” person and am concerned that when all this quarantine is over my kid’s closest friends’ parents may not be comfortable hanging out anymore. Ya know like thinking of someone besides myself.