Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Well I'm of the opinion that the wilful misapplication of grammar is one of the many mechanisms by which our sex-based oppression is enacted, and I'm familiar with the deleted poster from other threads.

Clearly it's transwidow, no space.

This is a compound noun used to refer to the subset of women who share the experience of losing a male partner to the trans juggernaut.

You put the space in, trans becomes a modifier; but the women here are not widows-who-are-trans.

In other words, no, we're not going to agree that the spouses whose behaviour has brought us together are woman-who-are-trans. They're men-who-are-trans, and we will not be forced to lie about it.

I'm In the process of re-reading Grayson's Perry's The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl ( very engaging and entertaining. I do like him) - but it makes very plain and clear that this is an intense and all consuming sexual fetish.

Well worth a read for a very frank and honest assessment of the 'condition'.

@TinselAngel 👆

I'm not surprised you feel weighed-down Maureen; the treading on eggshells is very wearing. And unfortunately the rapid demoting of your needs, and the validity and importance of your sensitivities and feelings, against his. I'm afraid it will be very familiar to many of us.
You are particularly unlucky to face this in a second marriage; it of course says nothing about you and everything about the man you married. You can of course speak your mind, but it becomes very difficult to be heard, or regarded equally, as this progresses.
You need to hang on to the core 'you', the person I've no doubt many others like, love and respect, and all the good bits of your past and present that will go forward intact whatever happens with this one person. I like you did a lot of reading and thinking, and just make sure you take basic care of yourself.
And yes, it's all so extreme. I hope you can get some time, and ideally company with anyone else, away from 'it'. It must be so hard at the moment for any of you stuck with this at home, if as in the UK where I am, we remain restricted in our usual escape routes. We've got your back.

Still going through the old threads here. Seeing so many parallels. Reading the articles linked over those threads as well. It’s maddening how likely he needs real mental help and that isn’t going to happen. He spent the weekend on his same hobbies with the same mannerisms just in a dress and painting nails. I am spending too much thought on how on earth is that not just “a bit feminine“ but has mean a different sex and different name and a family in turmoil. He made some joke I didn’t get and I got endless flack for my facial expression. Just all kinds of bs of how I need to just speak my mind but oh no the second I do that I did it wrong. Not a normal oh you said X and that made me feel Y. But you should have said xyz in this way. Like I didn’t read my stage directions correctly. WTF. Felt really down yesterday just the weight of being stuck for now in a second failed marriage and the weight of all the big things going on right now.

Unfortunately the fetish side of this is overwritten by the mainstream trans stories; you'll find many women on these threads whose partners have found it arousing and sensual to dress in women's clothes, particularly underwear, which doesn't really suggest authentic dysphoria. My ex-husband was very focussed on the physical side of this; on the rare very unpleasant times I pass him in the street I wonder how it can be worth it, to lose your family, in order to wear silk lingerie. Very bizarre, and very male in its sexual preoccupation.

You say he is neglecting you and your children, he isn't meeting your needs - but you are meeting his. Your husband is using his children in acting out his fetish. They are part of his script.

That means you need to have a plan in place to leave safely. I don't recommend you talk to him about leaving ''for the benefit of the children''. Don't bring them into it at all. This is a relationship breakdown and that's something that happens between two adults.

You don't have to divorce, you can seperate if that feels more comfortable for you, you can stay friends, but live seperate lives in separate homes etc.

@lizziebun

You wrote:
^I am grappling with whether or not to divorce him or keep hoping he changes his mind. I am very religious and don't believe in divorce and believe a marriage is forever. I have asked him though and he said he will not go back to being a man. i'd love to move on and hopefully find love again, maybe have more kids with someone who'd actually like to be a dad. I have so much guilt like maybe i caused this somehow. it's so sad and confusing... but here we are... I can't wait to get to know you all

Don’t worry I am no longer freaked out I have been living with this for nearly 30 years (we met very young). I have described it as having a partner with a hobby they cannot share but are so into they will prioritise it over family, work and obligations. It is literally an addiction which needs to be fed or it eats the host up. They live a double life of sorts looking for ways placate their urges whilst at the same time feeling great shame and embarrassment. My husband has fallen in love with his post op friend, having never met or talked in RL. Weirdly it is this with has been the final straw rather than the neglect of me and my family. We are 10 days post my saying enough is enough we need to separate with the best interests of the children in mind. I feel free and relieved it’s finally been said.

You aren't rambling and I think you have analysed his behaviour accurately. Start thinking about what you will do when your teens leave home and he starts to escalate, try to have a plan in place before it happens.

I'm not trying to freak you out but he sounds like he has a sissyfication/submissive fetish, and if thats the case he isn't actually suppressing his urges because the teens are at home. The shame of 'what if they knew' is part of the fetish. His behaviour is massively inappropriate now.

Hello everyone again. Following on from AGP chat I’ve spent lockdown educating myself online and via you tube.
My husband hasn’t reached levels of wanting to use clearly female only abilities in fantasies such as pregnancy and breastfeeding, the roles he has created for himself are centred around being a secretary or a maid being forced into work and lord knows what else.
He is still following cyclical patterns of playing out fantasies, feel shame, purge, feel frustrated, purchase, do it again and repeat, over sometimes months sometimes weeks.
Over the last 3 years the attention has definitely turned to online activity from him with less physical dressing himself, he has grown a beard. He follows lots of transitioning and post op woman via Instagram etc, trying to engage in 1:1 chat with them lots of comments on their photos, you are gorgeous hun etc.
I wondered if this progression was caused by having teenagers in the house which made physically playing out fantasies more difficult, that accessibility to images was much easier and mainstream in recent years or he can’t for whatever reason take the final leap to transition so is living the fantasy through others who have .... sorry I am rambling on with my thoughts in trying to understand ...

My apologies if not appropriate.

I've been reading comments about agp men fetishizing pregnancy and lactation, and in other places menstruation and breasts.

But I wondered if any transwidows have been subjected to menopause mimicking and fetish? Is fetishizing that absolutely universal female experience, including for trans men, even an agp thing?

You are right Maureen. Person-centred counselling should not be directive, but let the counselled person explore their feelings and options.
A lot of resource has been put into support services for trans people but non-judgemental, non-directive counselling needs of women facing this crisis are overlooked.
I have knowledge of this kind of field and suspect many therapists feel anxious about things like letting people 'misgender' or not accept the 'truth' of a man's feelings in these situations. I had counselling (fantastic in the end) including coming across a counsellor who was clearly completely gobsmacked by my feelings and unable to do more than suggest I 'accept' that my husband was really a woman.
So women seeking counselling need to tread with care and certainly avoid trans organisations which offer support to spouses if they are unhappy or want to leave, as women's experiences of this appear to be largely re-education and pushing of ideology. Which is not what you need when you're trying to work out your feelings and options.

Thanks for being supportive rabbit re. women feeling inadequate or at fault in these situations.
However, this forum is for women experiencing a partner transitioning, and not feeling okay about it.
Trans organisations offer similar validation of these choices, and acceptance of those truths and if women want that, they can find it in those groups where partners can get information from that perspective.
Many women on this forum are sceptical that what their partners are experiencing is 'gender dysphoria', and certainly don't regard themselves as in a lesbian co-parenting situation afterwards. Many of us don't regard our partners as women after transition.
You may want to offer support in another forum where people are seeking a trans perspective, from a position of accepting that ideology. I'm not sure that the transwidows thread is the place for this. I hope you find the right place to offer your perspective.

@socialworker222 yes it seems very unethical that the counseling is just validation and no work on other issues. Just facilitate a person upend their life and the lives of a spouse and a child will no effort to ensure other conditions are not at play (there are). Follow the money I guess.

@TinselAngel very correct. It is a big deal! So very in a bargaining phase. Infuriating that I and so many others have had to go through this.

@SocialConnection good point about the hormones. In this case they are not “replacing” anything.

Back and forth today between anger and anguish. The self-centeredness from him is not helping. They seem to be making a small effort but would take a lot more to get back to the friend level let alone a platonic partnership to raise the little one. Sometimes I am thinking that would be doable for the near term but some of that is just from wanting to avoid hassle and expense. Plus having so much else going on.

Thank you all

@TinselAngel 👆