Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Its a bizarre argument. Do they think people who realise they are gay should stay trapped in a heterosexual marriage?
If they actually think we're homophobic (and aren't just trying some ridiculous gotcha) its because they don't see women as actual people.

Having said I'm not the best person, I find myself mentally planning out an essay anyway. Need to clarify a bit first though. Who exactly is the accusation of homophobia being levelled at? Those of us who don't stay when our husbands transition? For not wanting to be in a "lesbian" relationship? Or just those of us like Molly, whose husbands are actually gay?

OMG, there's one bullet I dodged, my ex at least never tried to wear my own clothing.

Then again I am a fairly extreme tomboy from working my entire career in tech wearing jeans and t-shirts and no makeup, so where's the fun in that when he could be wearing dresses and fancy shoes? It is all such fetish bullcrap.

Sorry about typos.

Well it is different because no one expects a couple to stay together and be sexually happy when one of them comes out. People do have mixed orientation marriages but people don't expect that. The first thing they think of is divorce.

For us, people think we have a choice. They don't expect a gay man to love his wife for who she is as a person and say he should be perfectly happy with her body and having sex with her. They don't tell him he should change his sexual preference. But we are expected to change ours?

I have talked to many women who were married to gay men and they say they can't imagine the level of grief we go through. It's on a whole other level. Seeing this person totally transform into some one else you aren't attracted to or who find repulsive physically is totally different than finding out your husband is gay.

Although newly out of the closet gay and lesbian people do go through an adolescent period to do the things they always wanted to do, they don't demand things like taking over mother's day, they don't screech about their rights or fetishize being a woman, they don't take hormones that harm their health, cause mood swings, and have surgeries that are dangerous and expensive and also hurt their health. We can end up footing the bill for their wigs, surgeries, hair removal, clothes, make up. A lot of them insist on getting feminine tattoos, which costs money as well.

There isn't the fight about names and pronouns. There isn't the "I thought you loved me for me, not my penis."

And when some one is gay, they are just gay. There's no confusion usually unless they think they are bi or pansexual. Most of the time its straight forward. With these guys, we don't know what they are. Was the bad sex because they are only attracted to themselves or because they are only attracted to men?

Also a lot of them want to look like their wives and it's very disturbing to have some one initiate you like the movie straight white female. I know one guy wanted to take a picture of her breasts to the surgeon because he wanted his to look like hers. They steal our clothes or go change and put on an outfit that looks like outs, dye their hair the same color, imitate our mannerisms.

One of my friends just had stbx tell her "well I have boobs now, so our figures are the same now." I have a friend who cleaned out her closet and get husband offered to take her clothes to Goodwill and then hid them. After she moved out she saw pictures of him online wearing her clothes. I have another friend who heard this and when her husband offered to take her clothes in she said no and he had tantrum.

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I'm pondering it, Tinsel. It's a complicated one though; I fear my personal circumstances make me a less than ideal representative of the transwidow perspective on this one.

As you clocked quite a long time ago, I may call him ex but we're still quite entangled, and I'm currently looking at being the one who comes out as gay; and I know how much that hurts because I was once in love with a woman who took about six years to decide that, actually, she was straight after all.

And it's not like the ex ever actually made the leap to transitioning, and he was honest about his penchant for women's underwear from the start.

Like I say, bit complicated, possibly not the best representative!

Big homophobic meanies my arse; I'm somewhere in the lengthy process of accepting that my own sexuality does not in fact involve attraction to men.

Is his interest in choosy-choice sex-pozzy empowerfulising 'feminism', social, or is it in actual feminism?

No space to question it though.

I was lucky on that one; we were the sort of couple where I did all the talking, and he's got this... thing about putting women on a pedestal and worshipping them (internalised misandry definitely a factor; he's into flipping the sexes in the power hierarchy rather than jettisoning the hierarchy entirely) so he's never been inclined to shout me down - I wouldn't have been with him in the first place if that hadn't been the case.

Good question from your friend Maureen; women are so used to putting others first that they overlook, or feel bad about, asking what's in it for them.
Agree re. the misogyny; my ex now has a keen interest in 'feminism'; it bewilders me how he can talk the talk while believing that skirts and painted nails make the woman.
He did very little to help when my children were young, but got into baking as soon as he had decided to transition, very odd. Somewhat cherry-picking methinks, and more stereotyping of what it means to be a woman. As others have found, he has subsequently pursued very 'frilly' hobbies....

@TyroSaysMeow that echos my experience. Not seeing anything that is not a costume. No space to question it though.

“I might've been happier with the proposition if he'd been remotely houseproud or willing to take on the mental load.”

Very much my experience. I stopped trying to organize the housework. It was a ‘well if you just write it all out for me’ for a long time. If I have to do all that I may well do the work as well. The current reality is barely anything done each day. I do more popping out of the office for a few minutes.

I finally confided in one friend and they have asked “what is in it for you?”. Even without the issue of thinking just claiming womanhood gives it to you, there is no partnership. And it isn’t that the time is spent with DC. It’s all time in the phone screen in the echo chamber or on a video game.

@MOLLYJO987 it’s not a formal room separation but he’s been not in the bed for a long time mainly from the little one coming in to snuggle.

For me the other level is the realisation that someone you thought was basically a decent person has actually internalised all the sexist crap necessary to think "woman" is a costume that can be inhabited for sexual kicks.

The layers and layers of deception and deceit, and I didn't see through any of them until it was too late. It really shook my confidence in being able to spot someone who was actually an abuser and its affected the way I date. I also felt really stupid for taking his word at face value. Its incredibly damaging.

Yep.

He didn't actually want to be the "wife"; what he wanted was not to have to be the "man." Daddy issues!

I have found that straight people who were married to gay and lesbian people are more able to understand but there is still a whole other level to this.

For me the other level is the realisation that someone you thought was basically a decent person has actually internalised all the sexist crap necessary to think "woman" is a costume that can be inhabited for sexual kicks. The realisation that that person sees nothing wrong with fetishising not just our bodies but also the mechanisms of our oppression. The realisation that he was an unthinking misogynist just like all the rest of 'em.

Mine said he preferred to do the "woman" role of staying at home; I might've been happier with the proposition if he'd been remotely houseproud or willing to take on the mental load.

@maureenjsl

Yes, many if them insist on getting equal treatment and time with kids and grandkids on mother's day and have a fit when the kids aren't excited about it or the spouse doesn't acknowledge that they too are mothers. I would set that boundary early on. Some people put it in the divorce decree.

It's also extremely common for them to turn down promotions, sabotage their careers, quit their jobs or get fired. They want to be in the "womanly" role of their wife making more than they do. My ex was salaried and was told every year that he needed to work more hours or he would never get a promotion. He balked and said it was so unfair. When we met I made more than he did and some one joked that I was his sugar momma and he got so happy. He also didn't even try to make a move to pay on our first lunch date.

Is it possible for him to get a part time job?

Of course they don't believe we would rather be alone. They think they are such awesome special victims and that we should take care of them. When they look in the mirror dressed as a woman they think they are stunning no matter how horrible they look. I think they have some thing like a type if anorexia where they really can't see what is in the mirror.

Are you sleeping in separate rooms? If that's possible, I think that would greatly help you.

@TinselAngel agreed. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I hadn’t found this.

@MOLLYJO987 we have not. A few weeks back he was talking about an idea for a Father’s Day present so I have no idea what he’s expecting. So many find they want to take over Mother’s Day?

I know it doesn’t matter and it isn’t likely the cause but I think to about if others will think it is my fault for being the sole bread winner. It seemed better financially at the time as opposed to day care. Like I gave that freedom of time and of not freaking at the early stuff (having zero idea where it was leading) and it just bit me.

During one talk it seemed like he couldn’t believe I’d rather be alone than stay in the situation. At my age and ability to trust (Trust my ability to select a partner, trust someone near my child, trust someone to not lie about their intentions, etc) I have no idea what my chances would be to find someone again. Is this just all “sunk cost fallacy” where I’m tempted to just give up and fake not being miserable?

Those who have a while to go until you can escape, or have escaped but had a long period of wait: Did you have ways to keep you sane? To keep the peace?