Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Hey everyone, I'm sorry I've been absent for so long. I found that I was spending a lot of time on the board last year and not really coping very well mentally, so took a step back. A lovely friend suggested I come back on here though for some support and I'm glad she did.

I know that I am struggling and I really wish I wasn't. This is a really long post, and I apologise. I think I just needed to splurge and let everything out that I feel like I've been holding in for so long.

This last week there have been a lot of pro-trans/anti JKR posts on my facebook feed from a number of sources. The industry I am in is VERY woke. They quite frequently have worldwide coordinated responses to certain individuals who don't toe the line with regards to their responses to issues of LGBTQ+ or race, mental health etc. - removing support for them and their businesses entirely. In one way it is great to know that everyone is trying hard to be inclusive, (with regards to racism especially) but in another, it makes me feel very scared about being able to be myself apart from in very guarded circles.

Most of those in the industry like to post on social media as themselves and as their businesses in support of these various campaigns, and there is very much an undercurrent of silence being seen as a choice not to be supportive. The 'silent friend is no friend' thing.

I am finding it very difficult reading all the posts about trans issues, the jk rowling things etc. (Pre her essay, oddly I haven't seen anything pop up since that!) Unfortunately the images and flashbacks that happen when I read posts about how trans women are women and that we shouldn't misgender etc are those of being raped and abused by my ex. A trans woman. Being told to refer to those acts being carried out by someone with a female pronoun feels like it is gaslighting and sacrificing my experiences at the alter of not offending the perpetrator. It feels like me apologising for being raped by him.

It is such a hugely personal and triggering issue for me that I have felt completely lost and to date have never responsed on any of their posts on their pages or in forums, but have faced the very real worry that in being so silent it is going to harm people's views of me and my business. There is definitely no way that I could say I am GC, and I don't even know if they would be compassionate if they heard my story.

A lot of the time I feel like I am silently screaming.

My ex-husband is trans. He was trans when we got married, he was trans when we had the kids, he was trans when he raped and abused me. I can't think of those times and call him a her, nor do I think I should have to.

I knew about the cross-dressing before we got married, but being very poorly (wheelchair and often bed-bound) I didn't really mind at that point, and he always reassured me that this wasn't something he wanted to do full-time, it was just an occasional thing. He liked women so much he liked being one. I was ok with it being occasional, behind closed doors, but never ever felt comfortable if he went out like that, it was just so obvious what he was and I was so embarassed and uncomfortable, but also stuck in a wheelchair (or a hospital bed once when he'd forgotten his keys!!) and not really in a place to argue, even though I tried.

It definitely had a sexual/agp route, despite apparently being something he had been doing since childhood. Being in lingerie was definitely what got him going. I tried being supportive, helped with hair etc and tried to help with clothing choices, suggesting that real women don't tend to wear mini skirts and revealing tops, that for the most part we live in jeans and a more comfortable top, and are rather more understated. Choosing things that fit our body types and personal styles. Yeah. That didn't ever sink in. It was about the thrill of wearing what he thought was sexy. It still is.

He officially became a she after I threw him out for rape (final straw!). The first time I saw him after I threw him out, was when he came over to discuss things. He appeared dressed in a revealing top, mini-skirt, fishnet tights and ridiculous heels, (he was already about 6' tall!) telling me that this was how he wanted to live now, but that we should get back together anyway (i had called him over to discuss child arrangements, not reconsiliation). To this day, his version of the breakup is still 'because I am transphobic' and he has never acknowledged the rape or preceeding (or following!) abuse, not even in counselling.

Since then, he has tried to use his trans status as a weapon and as a get-out-of-jail-free card. At one point telling the judge that he should see the kids (despite his abusive behaviour) because he was trans, and that brought the equalities act in, and that trumps the children's act.

His way of coming out to the kids was to tell them he was their mummy now. The older two were 5 and 4 at the time, and he gave no understanding or explanation, he just appeared dressed in front of them, later sending them a book called 'my new mommy' (american spelling, we're uk!) which was so sexist it was unbelievable. If you haven't seen it, it makes no mention of boy children (my eldest is a girl, but i also have two sons) or the existing biological mother(!) and keeps talking about how much fun it'll be because my new mommy will do her nails with me and go shopping with me etc.

He is a narcissist and continues to cause a lot of upset to myself and the kids even 10 years on.

There is a no contact order, but we started gradually trying to reintroduce some contact after my subsequent partner (I was too low and groomed already after my ex to see to the red flags) abused me and sexually abused my daughter. I thought that my ex would appreciate being able to see for himself that the kids were ok, despite everything. I can't explain how bad a mistake that has been.

He keeps upsetting the kids. He refuses to listen to (or acknowledge that they have) wants or needs of their own, which was an issue even back when we first separated. Dd wanted to get to know him again slowly but my ex won't have it - it is all about him. He treats dd as if she is 5 rather than a teenager, calles her 'my little princess' and is really really over-touchy and familiar. The last visit last summer (it will be the last ever!!!) my daughter refused to give him a hug, and the response was 'that's fine, nobody wants to hug their mum'. Dd was completely taken aback, not only because she is a very huggy person usually, especially with me and my new partner (of 5 years now), but because it was agreed after the book incident and written into the court order that he is not to refer to himself as mum or similar.

My boys have been treated horribly too, one of them being punished for being autistic, and both being used as weapons against me or having attempts made to drive a wedge into their relationship with me. For example, I'd said to limit sweets/sugar due to health issues, which the kids know and agree with, so Ex decided to eat sweets and treats in front of the kids and to take away sweeties that they won in the arcade, saying they weren't allowed any of them because mummy says so. This was 9 years after i threw him out. He is NEVER going to change.

I think his trans status feeds his narcissism because he is able to play the martyr in an opressed group and get pitied and included and fawned over. I think that's why he's had all the treatments etc, even using that to try and get pity! He is just so brave! The poor thing had had major surgery so couldn't go for a short walk with the kids after a picnic (something they wanted to do). Strange how he was absolutely fine on his feet all day dragging them shopping the day before though (something he wanted to do)...

He has thrown his trans-ness at the kids and I so many times as an excuse, as a justification and as a reason for us to adore him. If I wasn't so transphobic we would still be together as a happy family, obviously.

His current thing is that he is refusing to send xmas or bday presents to the kids. In the past he's just got them delivered straight here by Amazon etc, but because I have stopped contact, it needs to be my fault and he thinks that by hurting the kids, he gets at me. The argument goes that as he got them delivered to him, that either he should be allowed to see the kids to give them to them, that i should drive the breadth of the country to collect them from him, or that I should allow him to drop them with some of my family members because they are closer. (Yeah, it's not about control and invading my safe spaces at all, is it?) The items are heavy and, poor thing, he can't afford the postage on his 50k salary, so wouldn't it be easier just to meet up so he can see me (the kids)? If not then I need to pay for the postage for the presents if i want the kids to have them. That's only fair right, seeing as he bought them and I look after the kids? He'll just take the money out of my child support payments to cover it...

I have a new mantra 'I will not feed the narcissist'. Mostly it works and he just burns himself out eventually, but this one got ridiculous, it dragged on for months. I ended up getting a solicitor involved and threatening a police harassment charge and thankfully there has been no communication since then. Still no parcels for the kids either, but thankfully they don't give two hoots about that any more.

I was feeling stronger before lockdown, and even considering finally reporting the rape to the police. Now I'm back to nightmares of him and my subsequent ex, and depression and anxiety...

Some days I'm fine, I don't know what in particular has made things worse at the moment, but something has. Maybe the uncertainty and fear around lockdown? I guess right now I am just struggling with the fact that i feel like my experiences are being white-washed for political correctness. I don't understand why the abuse I suffered (am suffering?) is less important than the pronoun of the person who abused me.

I know that those on my fb feed posting and reposting are doing so from a position of what they see as compassion and inclusivity. They aren't doing it to be hurtful towards me, and I don't know whether they fully understand the implications of the pro-trans things they ascribe to. I'm just struggling with seeing it all the time and feeling that rising panic in my chest every time. I really need to learn how to separate all that stuff from my personal experiences. I need to not think 'abuse, rape, narcissism, the ex' every time I see the word trans, but I guess after 10 years, it is unlikely to change any time soon.

Sorry girls, no need to reply. I just needed a safe space where I am still allowed to say I have an ex husband. He raped me. He abused me. He hurts our children. He still abuses, gaslights and threatens me. Not an ex-wife. Not She.

:'(

I'm almost three years post divorce and still dealing with a lot of grief. Lately it's less that I'm missing my former husband (who has been nothing but a narcissistic ass since we parted ways), been grief that I no longer have a co-parent. My ex has done nothing for our daughters in the midst of all of this crisis, while one of my daughters is going through mental health difficulties. I cannot imagine ever being so self-centered as to not give a damn about my daughters, the way my ex is doing.

The JK Rowling controversy is also upsetting to me, a lot of our daughters' childhood was reading the books and going to see the movies together as a family. And of course my ex now thinks this esteemed author is awful, just because she exerts her right to voice her opinion.

Hey ladies, I've been super busy completing yet another mini breakdown as I wade through the quagmire of quite frankly triggering news / internet stories etc just through FB and twitter. I'm seeing close friends tweeting stuff which is essentially online hate for JKRowling and coming to the realisation that I can't be honest with many of my friends who were there for me when I left my ex and see themselves as trans allies.

I am a trans ally, but not.. when I see terrible things being posted by AGP ppl on twitter.

It's been 15 years and 6 months since I left my MTF ex. I've only accepted that what happened to me all those years ago was rape. Now Daniel Radcliffe comes along and tells me as a woman, that I have to accept transwomen into areas that were exclusively women only? No. Way. I'm not a TERF. But a sexual abuse survivor. My story is also on the website. It was a relief to be able to write my truth. Poorly written, but it's up there.

So to the new ladies who've joined the thread please, get counseling any way you can. Let yourself grieve, you're not alone as you can see and we will support you. You're not bad women or allies or former spouses for prioritising your emotional and sexual health first. You can't look after anyone else, if you don't look after yourself.

much love

That quote is exactly how I feel @socialworker222. This stranger is walking around in a bra they don’t need, benefiting from my mental and physical labor, looking into changing their voice, taking medications not meant for their body, expecting me to call them a new name. Meanwhile many of those same mannerisms are still there, the hobbies, the ‘old’ clothes never to be worn again, years of photos and videos that seem are all lies now, a future that will never happen. Breaks my heart wondering what the child will think of those photos and videos when they are older. Very much there is a stranger in my home and I don’t know how I will come to even like them let alone parent with them.

Good quote: a ‘trans widow’ on the Web says ‘… It’s like a strange woman just up and murdered your husband one night, then moved in and expected you to not only be in love with them, but also celebrate the death of your spouse with them’.

The grief part gets overlooked Maureen not just by the outside world but sometimes by us. I remember being quite taken aback when a friend listened to me break the news about my husband, and said 'You've lost your husband'.
They disappear - certainly in my case. You could add to my list of what's 'different from partner being gay' with speaking in a new falsetto voice, and the buy-in into a whole new life. My husband, as far as I'm concerned, no longer exists. A relative noted it is rather as if he committed suicide; we loved him, but he didn't love him and obliterated him in name, appearance, or any acknowledgement of his existence. In fact we all have to collude in his disappearance. There is nothing quite like it, and it's mind-blowing for my teenagers.
It is a unique situation; they are still here but they're gone. I have found managing photos and videos very difficult. He does not want or display photos of him as a man with his children, so what do I do with them? In the end I heavily edited them out, as my teens were distressed to open photo albums and find pictures of him, and stored a few of him as a man with the children. This is a slow process of adapting and changing and finding a new way to live. My counsellor reminded me it is loss that we go through, and recovery from loss is not tidy, linear or formulaic.

wombat

Hopefully this link includes a share token.

Do read the comments. Universally supportive of JKR. Very faith restoring.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/1fa19c98-aa3c-11ea-adef-7962e28cd764?shareToken=eac39d679b87b54560c487294aec4196

Read your story @Wombatmama and amazed at your strength. Very glad you aren’t letting go of the books. Been texting with a friend explaining the JKR situation and she finds it ridiculous.

@TinselAngel very good points. For the time he is here I am supportive (good for you that you had a good day type thing) but not a cheerleader. The tarnished memories is right on the nose! My poor child looking at photos when they are older. Sometimes we watch videos of other reading books and I’m making a point to select more dads now.

Progress today on the work done on the home but will see how that does long term. Looking more at the options and prepping for what forms will be needed and such for my state when the time comes. Lockdown here is still intense with pandemic and the general messed up state of my country.

Would be so very lost without having others in similar circumstances to message with. The only way out is through. And I can get through this. Those not through yet can get through this. Those who finished escaping thank you for telling your stories and giving others hope. The ability of women to give so much even when they have been drained is so immense.

Wombatmama I just read your story. There's nothing I can say really except well done for escaping, and for making a life you can love and be loved in. you are AMAZING. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PS am not a trans widow but I lurk....

@Wombatmama

I read your story. That was hard to read and I'm sure, difficult to write. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for reading my story @lakeswimmer.

Thank you. I'll try to wriggle around the paywall. I read those books to my kids several times over. They were the books I read to them while I was isolated with an extremely abusive ex. JK really did help me through it. Fast forward to today and my now trans-identified son is texting his two young sibs to get those books and burn them in the fire and how vile I am for having them in the house. And they are looking at me like I am doing something wrong by keeping them. Son is so brainwashed and loves the power he feels associating with this violence against her. JK is again my hero, and she's going nowhere.

I've never posted on this thread before as I'm not a transwidow but I lurk on FWR and came over here to take a look.

Wombat I've just read your story; thank you for being brave enough to share it, and I'm so glad you're in a better place now

Happy to report that I think I made strides in setting some boundaries and hopefully explaining that it is not likely my romantic attraction will apply to a ‘woman’. Cohabitating for the near future. I’m focusing more on work and my child and my hobbies.

Of course now today I’m in tears grieving over the husband I’m losing and a longing to just be okay with it all.

Expressed my needs for more equity around the work around the house (even without this issue I’ve built up a lot of resentment). Hormones started so will see if the self absorption gets even worse or gets better. The changes coming are going to be hard.

Welcome @Wombatmama.

It doesn't share unfortunately.
And hello WOmbat

Apologies for coming over here when I'm not myself a trans widow, but here's an article from the Times for you Wombat. The BTL comments show what happens when you step out of the Twitter bubble. Most people are supportive of JKR. Keep reading those books, and read them with pride. I'm about to go and order her adult books (which I haven't yet read) to keep those royalties flowing in.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/radcliffe-and-rowling-in-twitter-row-over-transgender-identity-h9nf3kd0p

I'm hoping it comes out as a share token so it's not paywalled.

I'm having a rough day. The woman who wrote the books I read to my kids when I was trapped is being ripped to pieces. She literally (ha) got me through hell. I can't stop shaking and I'm starting to freak out my kids. And I was feeling like such a warrior this morning. Dammit.

Thank you, Tinsel angel. Here it is:
www.transwidowsvoices.org/amp/philomena-s-story-there-and-back-again?__twitter_impression=true

Wombat? What was I thinking 😆

Hi, I'm new here. I am a transwidow who isn't very good at tech stuff. I can't even remember what name I chose on here weeks ago when I first thought I'd join and then was daunted by the unfamiliar forum. I guess I'll see it after I post this 😆. Anyway, hello! I'm a mum of three, I'll be 49 in a few days, I live in Ireland. I escaped my now ex husband a good while ago but I've only recently begun to flourish. His leaving the country for good may have helped and also finding my tribe and writing out my story with their help and encouragement. I will link it in next message if appropriate. I hope I can be of help to other women who find themselves in a similar situation to mine. I've already noticed a few things I wanted to comment on but thought I should introduce myself first. Much love and solidarity to you all ❤️❤️