Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

There is a resource thread which may be of use /interest:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness

and solidarity.

My daughter asked last night if Daddy has an eating disorder. He's lost 200 pounds in less than a year. I just went with my now-constant refrain, "Daddy makes a lot of choices I don't think are healthy."

[quote Bunshine]**@EmilyHowardsWife

The constant 'back to square one' stuff is maddening, and from my experience is a symptom of the behaviour.

If it helps, I has a lot of time to think about what I wanted in life when dealing with his behaviour compromised my mental health to such an extent that I had to go live with my parents in the States for eight months because I was a sleepless, nervous wreck having constant panic attacks and agoraphobia.

I read a lot of literature on healing from abuse, dating people who weren't good for you etc. And I came up with the following:

1. The pillars of what I wanted in a relationship (of any kind). I had been reacting to his behaviour so much, I'd lost sight of what I wanted. My big tenets are: honesty, kindness, empathy, stability (the dishonesty, cruelty, coldness and instability were driving me nuts because they were at their core an affront to my values).
2. I made a promise to myself that my relationships would reflect these values, even if it meant it was me, my cat and Netflix.
3. I looked at my relationship with my ex to see if he was currently or was going to be able to embody these values (three guesses what that answer was!).
4. I decided that, given his behaviour (gender and otherwise), he was unable to contribute to a supportive, stable family life.
5. I stopped listening to what he was saying and started looking at what he was doing. And what his behaviour said was: I have a compulsion at odds with what you want in your life that is more important to me than anything else, even my own future with you. Not only that, but part of that compulsion involves putting your health at risk by cheating, getting sexual thrills on message boards, and generally leading a double life and I LIKE IT THAT WAY BECAUSE IT'S EXCITING.
6. I realized it was kind of narcissistic of me to think I was going to 'save' him from something he had no intention of stopping, and if wanted to ruin his life, that was his business.
7. That his behaviour was very similar to a drug addiction, and that it was going to run its course whether I was there or not.
8. That if I didn't detach and protect myself, his chaos was going to drag me down with him.

I'm sure you've given this loads of thought. But since your partner seems so close to my ex temperament wise, I hope this helps. I hope you find some peace and clarity. xx[/quote]
Superb!
4, 5, 6, and 7 are exactly where I am. If we didn't have children in common, I would go full no-contact. I have to keep repeating to myself, "I can't save him." I have also been working through even if there wasn't the alleged trans issue that he has been a horrible husband and father who has lied from the get-go, his nearly every action has been steeped in deception, and he has engaged in online sexual affairs. There is not much there to save.

It's fascinating to me, @EmilyHowardsWife how your spouse was able to keep regulated with meds. And his choosing to go off them is him showing you exactly what he's willing to do for you and your relationship.

#Bunshine
Thank you this is something I need to seriously think about.

Brilliant advice for all of us still in relationships

@EmilyHowardsWife

The constant 'back to square one' stuff is maddening, and from my experience is a symptom of the behaviour.

If it helps, I has a lot of time to think about what I wanted in life when dealing with his behaviour compromised my mental health to such an extent that I had to go live with my parents in the States for eight months because I was a sleepless, nervous wreck having constant panic attacks and agoraphobia.

I read a lot of literature on healing from abuse, dating people who weren't good for you etc. And I came up with the following:

1. The pillars of what I wanted in a relationship (of any kind). I had been reacting to his behaviour so much, I'd lost sight of what I wanted. My big tenets are: honesty, kindness, empathy, stability (the dishonesty, cruelty, coldness and instability were driving me nuts because they were at their core an affront to my values).
2. I made a promise to myself that my relationships would reflect these values, even if it meant it was me, my cat and Netflix.
3. I looked at my relationship with my ex to see if he was currently or was going to be able to embody these values (three guesses what that answer was!).
4. I decided that, given his behaviour (gender and otherwise), he was unable to contribute to a supportive, stable family life.
5. I stopped listening to what he was saying and started looking at what he was doing. And what his behaviour said was: I have a compulsion at odds with what you want in your life that is more important to me than anything else, even my own future with you. Not only that, but part of that compulsion involves putting your health at risk by cheating, getting sexual thrills on message boards, and generally leading a double life and I LIKE IT THAT WAY BECAUSE IT'S EXCITING.
6. I realized it was kind of narcissistic of me to think I was going to 'save' him from something he had no intention of stopping, and if wanted to ruin his life, that was his business.
7. That his behaviour was very similar to a drug addiction, and that it was going to run its course whether I was there or not.
8. That if I didn't detach and protect myself, his chaos was going to drag me down with him.

I'm sure you've given this loads of thought. But since your partner seems so close to my ex temperament wise, I hope this helps. I hope you find some peace and clarity. xx

@Bunshine
OMG your post is scarily too accurate to read. This could be my partners profile completely.
I wish he could get some introspection and see the compulsion doesn't come out of thin air, he knows he is not well but seems incapable of asking for proper help.
When he is high in a mania, the last thing he wants is for the feeling to go, he thinks he is invincible and everyone else is the problem. So of course he doesn't want a doctor or anyone to stop that.

@Tinselangel
Thank you your advice is always helpful to me.
Your right he doesn't care about our marriage and he threatened to leave.
I have had 2 years of calm, but it does always come back. He was particularly cruel this time around but has justified that because i am psychologically harming him. He thinks it is my fault he was so mentally sick in the first place. I know its part of his illness and he needs treatment. He is acting a bit more calmly today. FYI the mental health nurse told me if it wasn't for me he would have been sectioned and possibly worse.
When he is on an even keel he is fine, but the mania is as equally hard as the depression.

@EmilyHowardsWife

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It really can induce feelings of dread. It's expected that being on antidepressants altered his sex drive, but also interesting that he became so far removed from it that he was puzzled he even did it in the first place. The adx could have been balancing his dopamine as well...

Sadly, my ex had a boatload of emotional issues on top of the gender stuff as well. Rage, feeling entitled to abuse when upset (though you couldn't so much as show frustration with him or you were the devil), low frustration tolerance, poor impulse control, thrill seeking, total addiction to adrenaline and antisocial/narcissistic boundary pushing behaviour. When all this finally dovetailed with the gender issues...look out.

Of all of the women I've met who have described really poorly behaved exes with AGP, this pattern fits with their experience as well.

I suppose the question is how much are you willing to tolerate before it becomes necessary to protect your own mental health first.

QuinnMovesOn
Thank you, it is something I should remember.

He did admit it was a temper tantrum, but he is allowed that as I was so cruel with my words. He is upset that he can't do something he loves and can't see no reason why he can't do it or why I'm being "a bitch about it".

The anti depressants definitely obliterated his sexual function to nothing. So yes.
He refuses to believe he is full blown bi polar, but concedes he might be a bit on the light weight scale of bi polar.
I don't want to diagnose him, but I think he could do with a good honest talk with the doctor and let them know he stopped the meds on his own.

All I know is that he is not normal and we are in for a horrible time, both of us, if he doesn't get help now. I'm trying to get him to agree to go which is easier said than done.

@EmilyHowardsWife, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Though a comment on this one sentence you wrote:

I didn't handle things too well myself, and aggravated him to a rage.

No, he chose not to exercise his anger management and control his own emotions. As I'm divorced from someone with anger management issues, I can tell you now... these people can control it if they so choose.

Choosing not to take psychiatric medications is also a choice.

I hope things get better for you soon. Please know that we're all here to support you.

Anyway it sounds exhausting, I am sorry. "My" AGP is bipolar type 2 and the hypomanic phases were something I'd wipe from my memory if possible.

Do you think it's possible the antidepressants reduced his sex drive and in that way, ehm, had an effect on his desires to dress?

New update.
2 years my AGP has been on antidepressants. He was pleasant to be around, no mood swings, no thoughts of dressing (in fact it perplexed him that he would ever do such a thing).
One month off the ADs without telling the Dr, just reducing to nothing by himself as he knows best, of course.
I think he is in a mania, he is restless and argumentative and supremely arrogant.
He wants to dress as its now a psychological need and not at all sexual, apparently. Massive argument as I don't want him to do it and said so. You would of thought that I had asked him to murder his own children.
I didn't handle things too well myself, and aggravated him to a rage.
He talks about his feminine side as if its a beloved longed for girlfriend, who I am abusing by denying her existence.
I want him to make an appointment with the doctor as he is mentally unwell, but he can't see it in his mania. This isn't a feminine essence its a sexual mania, coupled with the high of doing something taboo and pushing boundaries.

I think its important to document the long term cyclical nature so others can see what and where the harmless bit of dressing goes to. It goes to a dark and mad and lonely place

Welcome, @Bunshine. I would definitely recommend a therapist trained in trauma who actually doesn't deal with trans issues specifically. Definitely avoid any who are "affirming."

As sad as it makes me to read TW stories, they have been a Godsend to me. Knowing what could happen has made me so much more proactive in getting out of this situation. There is no way I want to still be tethered to this person and have to deal with some of the situations other TWs have encountered. Now, if only there was a way to lower the level of trauma to my kids.

Hi @socialworker222, the behaviour started only a couple of years into the relationship and then got very intense very quickly, and I refused to buy a house or have children with him until 'things got resolved', which they did not, so I never did either. Would have been really great if he hadn't lied to me for years about wanting to stop and making promises to do so, while not only continuing but escalating things behind my back. Having dealt with that for years and the mental health fallout means that I'm a bit behind age wise and also now very sensitive to stress, so children may not be a possibility. Also, the new name he took was the one I'd really wanted for a female child (he knew this), and I'm still hurt from that. I can't hear that name now without feeling very uncomfortable.
However, yes, it did make no contact easier as the UK wasn't his native country either and most of his friends were both connected to his 'new life' and also quite dysfunctional themselves, so cutting them off was easy. I was very sad to lose my young niece and nephew, but it was just impossible to keep contact with them and not deal with my ex, who at the time I left was pretty unhinged in a variety of ways.
Anyway, you're right about dealing with the 'enormity of the experience'. That part of my life was just very frightening and unreal, if anyone knows a TW-friendly therapist, I'd be really grateful as I'd love to decrease how much these thoughts still knock around in my head. I think there's definitely still come C-PTSD there. Any recommendations very welcome. :)

Welcome Bun. Its great to hear that you've found some peace, and you summarized your experiences so neatly. Like you I find no contact a godsend (I think I'm lucky... you dont mention children so I assume you dont have any with him? That seems to make no contact hard for many people sharing parenting where kids see their fathers). And like you the residue is anger, and sudden surprising feelings of disbelief, and the enormity of this experience. Women come here at all stages and its lovely to hear from people feeling some relief, or freedom, or starting life again. Are you completely out of contact with him and his fsmily/friends? Welcome anyway

Hi all, longtime lurker and TW here. It's been almost three years since I was finally able to flee the relationship that brought me to this page. My ex felt like unburdening himself of his tendencies only after we were married and I was on a 5-year spousal visa in the UK (I'm American but still live in the UK). He became narcissistic and abusive before that, though, and his gender issues only amplified that. It traumatized me immensely, the lying, double life online, misogyny, cheating (I got to find pictures!), agreeing to boundaries one day then completely ignoring them the next, the constant, obsessive physical changes, which would then create a constant sense of grief in me, the gaslighting, complete invalidation of my feelings or needs (because he didn't want to feel 'bad') and just the sheer, shocking deviance and depravity that he was capable of basically gave me a nervous breakdown that ended with me being too anxious to function and convalescing back in the States for 8 months. It was so difficult to find support from other women who had been through this at that time. Most resources seemed to want me to celebrate what felt like not only the death of a spouse but also the death of my dreams with him, suck it up and go shopping or something, it was horrific. Now, my life is settled and actually very peaceful and happy (no contact was a godsend), but I still deal with feelings of anger and just trying to process the shock of it all. I heard an interview that @TinselAngel did on SSN and so much resonated for me there that I came here. This resource is so important. If I had been able to read stories like this, see the patterns, and know what was coming down the pipeline, I think I would have been able to emotionally (at least) detach much sooner and spared myself that awful push and pull of what felt like trying to save someone from flushing his family life down the drain. It just became so surreal towards the end, like living with a stranger. Anyway, hi and thank you all for sharing your stories. It's a community I so wish I would have found sooner.

I just found that article last night and was so relieved to see the phrase “topping from the bottom” used to describe it - probably the most apt description I have ever seen.

@cupcakecontest, I didn't mention it in previous post, but I too have been celibate since my divorce. This whole thing was such a mindfuck, I'm only now starting to think of maybe dating, several years post-divorce.

It has helped me to think of it this way: either my ex knew for his entire adult life that he was transgender, in which case he married me under false pretenses and is a lying asshole. Or my ex developed AGP later in life, like ten years into our marriage. In which case he's lying to himself and everyone else that this was a lifelong medical condition and he destroyed our marriage for a fetish, so he's an asshole. Either way, he's a lying asshole.