Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Hi East. It may be impossible to 'stop caring'; accepting that you feel so conflicted may be more realistic. You can care about them, worry about them, and feel really angry with them, and sad for losing them, and relieved at escaping them, all at once. I found that 'washing machine' of emotion really difficult, but fighting it is difficult.
It's a massive loss in the most difficult and unusual circumstances. You certainly need some time (I can't tell you how much that helps, and changes things naturally) and counselling.
And yes, never forget how long they've had to get used to this.
It really can get better; your feelings meanwhile are entirely reasonable and yes, very contradictory. That's the nature of this and a sign of what that relationship meant for you. It also says a lot about your capacity for love which bodes well for the future...

Thank you all for the kind words. The strange thing is I still miss my husband, yet in other ways I am so angry at how he has treated me, yet I still worry about this person. I need to stop caring.

My ex was my best friend, and I am a middle aged woman with no children and no close friends nearby. I have always found it exceedingly hard to make friends. Most of my close friends live in UK, from my uni days in London. I feel very isolated and am going to speak to my counselor next week. Why do I still depend on an emotional level, from someone who has put me in this shitty situation?!

Quinn you are right, she has been thinking about this for many years, and the secrecy continues. So many wasted years...

East, congratulations on this next step. Something that the lead facilitator in my divorce group said to me... your ex spent years thinking about this before springing the surprise on you, presumably with the expectation that this would end in divorce. So they are two or three years further in "divorce recovery" than you are, having emotionally left long before you even knew what was coming. My ex was the same, getting into a new relationship fairly quickly, long before I even wanted to think about dating.

Eventually you'll no longer be entangled with this person on a daily basis. From my experience, that's when my life became so much better.

Remember you are escaping from an abusive relationship and this is your chance to be free. You don't have to hear about what exciting things they are doing any more. (I can guarantee it's not quite how it's being portrayed!). My ex was initially "having the time of their life" but 3 years on, they are totally alone in a tiny rented 1 bed flat, in massive debt, washing dishes for a few hours a week on a zero hour contract, cut off by all their old friends and being ignored by their children most of the time.

Well, update on my divorce. The attorney was able to get a virtual hearing date for July 28. So I will be divorced from the man I loved and trusted unconditionally for 12 yrs via zoom. This man no longer exists, after bottom surgery and FFS and a legal name change. I have forgiven but cannot forget, all I went thru before transition to keep the marriage on the tracks. How much money was spent on therapy and rehab? Thousands for sure. How much pain and tears and I never knew the real reason for his deep depressions and inability to keep a job.

After months of feeling like I was on the uptick, I am now back to feeling like a very sad person. Can't beleive this is finally going to happen and I was completely unaware of this hidden persona for my entire marriage. And now "she" is dating online and meeting couples to explore her new found sexuality. Our sex life was pretty shit, now she is seemingly horny all the time. And of course, its my fault, I did not want to be a "lesbian" with her.

When she finally moves out from the guest room, I will be a wreck. The next step after divorce will be the refinancing and all the paperwork that comes with it.

I wish I never hear the word trans.

@socialworker222

Relationships thread here won't understand because the abuse is tied in with the trans stuff. This is tied in to the trans stuff as it's about hating the fact that @Milotic is female, a woman. This is very similar to what happened to me.

@Milotic, it sounds like you are depressed to a very dangerous level. Please consider calling an emergency hotline.

Sounds good Seaside. Any steps you can take, however small, to protect your future, are really worthwhile and taking those kind of actions made me feel hopeful and competent again.
Any progress on finding counselling for you?

Nothing changed in my situation in a practical sense but finding the more I read on narcissism and now on codependency (for me) the more able I have been to look at things less personally and at least feel better while stuck here. Speaking more about the angry tirades than the new costume (still only costume, no adoption of ‘women’s work‘ so I still get that) but not likely they are not intertwined.

On the practical front, doing a little here and there to protect finances. Those are thankfully all under my control.

Milotic the suggestions to post on Relationships were because of the wider abusive issues you talked about before the trans stuff, and your having to leave, move area, finances etc. You said early on that you have LOTS of support, and lots of people who believe you, and a supportive ex in your kids' dad... You have talked about very supportive friends who cross-dress. That all sounded good even though your situation is so difficult. Not sure what's going on or how all that support has now vanished but this seems complicated so you probably won't get everything you may need from just this thread. I would encourage you to get off social media asap in terms of seeing your ex. I found it tempting to look at what mine was doing but it made things much worse.

Nothing should've said no one. Was crying when I typed it out because I've ended up with no one I can talk to. My two best friends don't even get it and I can't talk to them either.

How do I get my account and posts deleted? I can't take him coming across this and realising he was right. He will know it's me he always said I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere. A fly everyone wants to swat.

I don't need support with anything else? I've mentioned it in my posts becauae it's added unfairness as he stole all my clothes since he's a woman now

How is that not relevant to being trans? Literally most of my writing is about the trans side and mental effects.

I'm not begging for acceptance again.

I can't talk to people who haven't experienced the trans side. He told me this would happen. He told me when he snooped on my phone and found the TW threads on my history when my eyes were starting to open.

I'm just gonna leave and not try again. Sorry for existing.

Our lived experience repeatedly suggests that many women lose their husbands in this process Quinn. The person I occasionally have to deal with bears no resemblance to the personality I married. There is a - clearly liberating - shedding of all that went before, and the wholesale adoption of a new made-up person. It simply isn't possible to change authentically in that way as an adult, so I see it as an adopted persona, a played role.
And yes Milotic you might find support on wider abusive behaviour, and your financial stuff on Relationships; we are fairly focussed on here and your situation goes far beyond the trans issue alone. We all sigh and raise an eyebrow at the use of social media. Such a familiar story. It always suggests to me that this isn't just an internal process or discovery of an authentic self, but a pathological need for validation and attention.

Seaside the often directive/educative nature of counselling services designed to support trans people, means the service they are providing is not really counselling in the true sense, but simply validation and advice. And they certainly don't offer a decent, non-judgemental , person-centred service to the partners of transitioning people as some advertise, as they regard us as simply needing retraining.
As for how long this lasts Quinn, I do think some things help to speed up a process that would naturally improve with time alone (but yes, with just waiting it out, probably takes years). Making a decisive break, and setting very clear boundaries on communication/contact and where I stand on my ex's behaviour helped me a lot, but I had the advantage of not having to live with him for very long after his announcement. I know many of us are stuck living with these men while the process unfolds and my heart goes out to you. Sounds like your decisive steps miricles are in the right direction. There are women on here who regard themselves as having moved on and recovered to a greater degree, occasional blips/reminders/distress notwithstanding as with any traumatic life event. So I try to stay optimistic.

In fact I'm not sure what part of my posts aren't to do with trans. Id rather people just say it's me that's a problem and you don't want me posting.

If I'm not welcome I'll leave. I don't feel like I can talk to people who haven't experienced the trans part.

Oh forgot to mention he's wearing pink stockings and a bra so definitely a real woman....

Well.

Mine is all over SM virtue signalling. Proving what a real woman he is by spreading his legs and exposing his dick.

Reported it to insta but somehow it's not been removed.

Currently in a respite centre with absolutely nothing again. Fed up. Not even had a cig cuz I won't walk to the shop.

I've never felt as low as I do now
I feel like my brain is damaged forever.

@QuinnMovesOn I’m curious about that podcast so will have a listen. I’m still at the point wondering just when I’ll be out of this situation that I hadn’t thought fully about the feelings that are still ongoing after closure. I too hope for you that the feelings of damage stop for you sooner rather than later.

@Iworkmiricles, congratulations on getting the process started. It's the first step towards being done with all of this insanity.

I'm still wondering how long it will be until I stop feeling so damaged by all of this.

I listened to an excellent podcast by Straight Spouse Network, by someone who is still recovering from her trauma, ten years after divorce. I'm really hoping it won't be that long for me.