Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

I have come to the conclusion he is a very troubled person, with deep mental illness. Almost like people with multiple personalities. And of course, when I say this to anyone (which I rarely do), I am told that being transgender is as valid as being gay. I just shake my head and move on. They never had to live with these people and see this destructive behavior in person.

The conundrum is a bewildering question that I realize I will probably never know or believe any answer to. Partners certainly don't have to believe what they are told. I was with my ex for many years and was able to link the transition to all his previous restlessness, dissatisfaction, introspection and narcissism. So it was just the next version of this rather empty person. We know these men well and may conclude our own narrative that makes sense. You rightly identify the sway Seaside between picking over what happened and feeling the full loss (waves of grief is spot on) and practising detachment. That part is vital for relief, space to think, and refocussing on you, what you want, and what you need to do. Self-care is an absolute priority (I say that with hindsight, having somewhat overused booze to get through ). You're making progress. What impressive women populate these pages

Congratulations East coast. So glad to hear you've felt that relief. Getting the practical/legal/financial stuff sorted can really feel like progress and movement. Hope you can keep the momentum going and eventually be secure and independent. It's interesting you look back at the 'he' ex as fake. For me the made-up person isn't the man I married and divorced, but the strange fake woman he now pretends to be. I've never believed that was his true, authentic identity, just him trying to act as someone new because of his issues (and yes, I think it can fall into mental illness/personality disorder). Your amicable and tolerant arrangement is clearly manageable for you. Good luck and be proud of yourself for being proactive and decisive.

MonkeyBusiness Lads I am waiting to finish the mortgage refinancing to give her some cash to leave and then she will move out. Its ok, we still get along and don't argue so its not a volatile situation.

EastCoast can you not get him out? Why after a divorce is he allowed to live with you?

Thank you Seaside The memories of the person who was apparently a facade are some of the most difficult ones to process. Its sounds insane right? It took me a good year to accept it, and I still cant believe my lovely husband was a fake, an actor, and a made up persona. It really makes me question my own ability to read people and attract this sort of crazy. I think its a mental illness, but of course that viewpoint is not allowed in this day and age. Its not something that should be normalized, and no amount of trans rights discussion will ever make me think otherwise. The prevalence of all these gender options has made men think they can do whatever they like. Maybe in the future they will do that, and not marry women in the first place, and waste years of our lives.

EastCoast so glad to hear the paperwork is final. Sounds like a lot of stress that they are still there at the house. Hope there are plans for that to change in the future. Cheers to no more drama! You are correct that you did what you could.

Thank you InvisibleDragon for the show of support. Sorry to hear you have dealt with abuse as well.

No new updates here. Upshot is at roommate status. Down shot (is that a phrase?) is still not an equitable arrangement but working on it. Doing loads of detachment work to not be brought down by all of their drama. Most days doing ok and still waves of grief for the memories of a person that was apparently pretend.

Congratulations EastCoast. Here's to a new, FREE life!

Well, I wanted to give an update. My divorce was finalized 2 weeks ago. On the day of the hearing, I was a mess and my emotions were all over the place. Kept thinking about my wedding day, and how happy we were.

Now 2 weeks on, I feel relieved. Like a weight has been lifted. No more drama, no more worries about my husbands emotions and the "journey" and its just not my problem anymore. He still lives here in guest room, and I am working on refinancing to get his name off of the mortgage. Of course, the ex has been chatting to men for months and is planning to go out of state in a few weeks to meet a guy she fancies, has been buying all sorts of lingerie in preparation. I am just so done with it all.

Overall, I feel good. Not great, but good this whole insanity is over and I did what I could.

Hello,

I found these threads a couple of days ago. I'm not a trans widow but I wanted to offer my support to all of you going through this.

I spent too many years in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship and a lot of the behaviours I see described here about constant boundary pushing - especially around sex - are things that I really recognise from that relationship.

My ex really got off on the power trip of getting me to participate in sex that I didn't like. He also had a knack for making huge logical leaps and jumping between different topics, making it really difficult to pin down what we were talking about -- other than that I was wrong or offensive in some way.

A lot of this sounds similar to things I'm reading here about partners continually pushing for more and more fetishised sex; and logicking you into feeling unreasonable or bigoted for objecting.

So I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. These behaviours are straight up manipulative and cruel. You shouldn't have to deal with such unkindness and I'm sorry that you do.

Solidarity xx

Message me if you want the details

@socialworker222 “ about betrayal, your sense of self and your life narrative, and what you want in your future” —very much this!

@MonkeyBusinessLads I think that would be helpful, thank you.
@socialworker222 it's very difficult to navigate, emotionally. As it's the weekend approaching, I'm now back to worrying about him as I know he is likely to indulge and the fear of something dreadful happening (due to the desire for risky behaviour) now he no longer has a minder of sorts, has returned....

it was me who was truly the other woman
Well-written Ilaria. I think it's completely normal to ruminate on what happened, what it meant, was was true/false, who they were/weren't, what lies were told and was what sincere... eventually I got to the point of realizing I would probably never 'know' for sure the answers to those questions, and even if given them by him (in some future scenario where we could have a full and frank discussion), I probably wouldn't believe him or find peace. The answer for me didn't end up with him, but with me letting go of needing to know, accepting I never would, and trying to leave it be. Took me several years mind you.
And re. therapy, I hope you find someone good as I did; this isn't centrally about the 'trans' thing, but about betrayal, your sense of self and your life narrative, and what you want in your future. Agree that unfortunately counselling isn't always neutral or helpful as soon as rainbow issues arise.... good luck.

Ilaria if you would like a recommendation of a private psychotherapist I saw via Skype who specialises in narcissistic abuse and has increasing experience in helping trans widows private message me. I had around 8 sessions in all and it changed everything for me. She gave me lots of resources and homework to do so it was very directed and targeted rather than someone just listening and nodding.

*her - apols for typos

@TinselAngel re Norman Bates - I recall a time we took his (dreadful) mother away and she was talking about how she'd make her boys brush her hair for hair *ugh

I can be going about my business, happily enough and then it hits me like a sledgehammer - how the hell have I become the villain in this narrative? How am I the prude, the unreasonable partner, the one who doesn't measure up?

It's bloody mind blowing!

I've realised today he has blocked me on WhatsApp - why? What an absolute weapon! I had no intention of messaging him anyway but it's a reminder of the gatekeeping, the arbitration which was so prevalent

@WalkedAway @SeasideM I used to be very confident would my looks and my sexuality. He has made me feel as though I'm a prude. He would counter by saying "but darling, you are sexy blah blah.." but he knew the seed had been planted. The more he said it, the more reassure I felt because I knew he didn't mean it. He used to say, whilst utterly inebriated that he wanted to be stroked and made to feel sexy in his crap tights and nylon nighties. In one frank conversation, post one of his binges, I tried to make a comparison. Imagine if I liked dressing in Y fronts and wearing riggers boots, whilst staggering around watching porn, would he stroke me? He said "yes" (he wouldn't have) I countered that that would be generous but I couldn't force you to be aroused by it if of you engaged.
It seems that was what he just couldn't get. I was okay with him turning him self one (albeit a sad, solitary exercise) but he required me to be aroused too. He'd talk of past partners and how they'd engaged.
Now, tell me if I'm wrong but if they really were on board, aroused, why are they exes?!?
The cognitive dissonance is astounding not to mention the sheer lack of self awareness and narcissism

@WalkedAway you summed up this feeling so perfectly. “ The way this experience affects your sense of your own sexuality and femininity, your own identity as a woman, the way their dual focus on themselves as women and on you, the airless isolation of their closet--these are particular poisons with an afterlife in your psyche. ”

@TinselAngel I’m right there with you at cynical clink. Still in the middle of it but the last narc rage a few weeks back and the outrageous things said to me stamped out any last feeling I had. The person I initially met was never real.

@illaria the journaling you are doing and adding in things you’d like to have said seems like a great idea. The AGP in my home also started with just dressing and I had no clue how it would escalate.

Illaria,

I'm late to your posts, but what you say about your ex is so familiar to me: a choice of dress that seems to echo his mother's era and the time he would have become eroticised; the fixation on tights.

My ex favored 1960s era white cotton slips, and told me directly that his mother caught him in one of hers, and that's the reason he wanted one.  He also wanted me to shave his legs and then to put tights on him, and would send me selfies of his legs in various pairs of them.  I thought this fixation was due to the fact that his legs were the one part of his body that bore a closer resemblance to a woman's body (although he certainly liked bras, too, and photographing himself in them).  

But the other thing I wanted to address is his continuing hold over your thoughts, which I suspect is due to the trauma you experienced. The way this experience affects your sense of your own sexuality and femininity, your own identity as a woman, the way their dual focus on themselves as women and on you, the airless isolation of their closet--these are particular poisons with an afterlife in your psyche.

I'm more than two years on from moving out, and just under two years post-divorce, and I still can't even think of my ex without a shadow of that madness stealing over me, and if I happen to cross paths with himever seeing his carthat feeling is even more pronounced.

Talking back to him as you are doing in your journal is one good antidote.