Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

This is something I'm curious about... of the divorced trans widows, was anyone not the one to initiate the divorce? It feels like it's almost always the wife who walks, just from reading the threads.

My husband is a textbook AGP case. I'm learning so much. Finding this thread and transwidowsvoices.org saved my sanity. It's mind boggling that we are suffering at the hands of men with a paraphilia and yet we are shunned and pressured by society to accommodate them. Crazy stuff.

Thank you Tinsel.

[quote TinselAngel]There a current thread discussing some writing about AGP that I can't remember if we discussed at the time, but that is very relevant to anybody still in the relationship

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4022016-This-is-worth-reading[/quote]
And now it has been deleted by MNHQ. Apparently we are just not ALLOWED to discuss this aspect even though so many of us have lived through it. I'm really sad.

I'm not a trans widow so I will only post here once, but just looking to be signposted in the right direction. My rapist ex-boyfriend is now a 'woman'. Part of me wants to laugh at the absurdity but part of me is crushed. Does anyone know of a thread or anywhere else to go to discuss this sort of thing? I suppose groups like this could understandably be private, so feel free to PM me if you don't want to share details on this thread. Or has anyone gone through a similar thing who would be willing to talk?

It's great, you are calm and reasonable and impassioned. When you broaden out to generalize about other people going through this, and children, your case is rock solid. It's actually stunning and brave

[quote Wombatmama]Hello, this is an interview I did about being a transwidow. It is quite grim and triggery so beware. I hope this helps a few of us 💪🏼❤️[/quote]
I watched this, I understood every pause, every side look, every word. Even when you described the grooming, my god, I completely related to it.

Stuff like this needs more attention, thank you so much for standing up.

big hugs

Thank you for that interview. You have been so brave and strong.

Thank you for confiding in me, friends❤️. I felt the same things you all describe and I still do a bit when I see people laying into me online, especially about the kids. I hope the interview will make us all feel less isolated and embarrassed and at least take the edge off the leftover feelings we deal with because the weight of them can hold us hostage well after we extricate ourselves from these men. Writing my story and sending it to transwidows really helped me know there are women who understand and won't judge. We can heal and thrive faster together, I think. You are all my dear sisters.

And Graham is a gem. I asked him to give me a voice and he did. He was so kind and open to giving me a platform so I could be heard and maybe help others in similar situations. I felt safe, no pressure, no agenda, he just listened and gave gentle support. We need more Grahams in this world. A lot more.

Wombatmama your experience is almost the same as mine apart from the behaviour during pregnancy, he just displayed his jealousy. I also have 3 kids and escaped with the help of womens aid. However I have been to ashamed and guilt ridden to tell people exactly what went on. Thank you for doing the interview. It also shows that glinner is the lovely supportive man he's always seemed to be. Xx

Thank you @TinselAngel. Do you (or anyone) have insight as to what would make it not peculiar?

I sent this message in via the Transwidows website contact form but am ravid for answers as this is something I haven't been able to explain, apologies in advance for duplication. During my experience, I thought my AGP was drunk or high. Does anyone know what the following "physical peculiarities" signify?

"He had two physical peculiarities: his eyes were a very pale blue and the rims were noticeably pink. So his eyes always looked tired, as if he was straining to focus."

@Wombatmama, amazing interview and thank you for doing this. And yes, is there some playbook online for AGP? Because each of these people think that they are some special snowflake but our stories are all so similar.

I could make up for his inadequacies as a dad by being just that much more of a mum.

This is the one I am so unhappy about with myself, especially now that DD is struggling with mental health issues. I try to make up for my ex's parental absence, but the reality is that I chose a spouse so poorly and my kids are also paying a price for that.

@Wombatmama, you're so brave. I'm so sorry for what he did to you. Some of the stuff sounds EXACTLY like my ex - I guess they read from the same playbook. Thank you for speaking out.

Sage advice re YT comments Womb - I almost commented there but my ExH is no doubt waiting for evidence he can screenshot that I'm a TERF. Thanks again.

I don't think it is a good idea to engage much with comments on YouTube about the video because I know there will be some people with nefarious purposes, and I have to protect myself but I do want share a few thoughts.

There are women expressing anger and frustration with me and I get that. I was furious with myself for a long time, too. Still am sometimes. Especially for having kids with this guy when I knew he was flawed. I didn't realize just how deeply flawed until after the kids were all here but the point about taking responsibility stands. I do take responsibility. There's power in that process and it helped me get to the place where i could do the interview.

I wanted to get into the worst parts of the abuse to show the depths of mental illness displayed by some AGPs. You know, the men who either don't exist or we are told to blindly, uncomplainingly accept as women. Unless the interview was hours long, I couldn't really talk about much else and I decided what needed to be out there was the profile of an abusive AGP. So I think I looked very much the one dimensional victim. I kinda hate that but me looking good wasn't the point.

None of us are one dimensional victims. We use whatever agency we have to try to navigate through this messed up world in one piece, often with kids in tow. We're all in the same minefield and finding a consistently sound partner can seem almost impossible. I know I was pretty cynical about finding one even when young. So I would try to measure acceptable degrees of imperfect. I know I settled and put up with altogether too much and had kids with a gaslighting thug and the kids now pay a price. I was young and naively proud to think I could make up for his inadequacies as a dad by being just that much more of a mum.

I am not so deluded now and I have what (sadly) might be useful - experience with the worst aspects of agp. So I'm going to keep on hollering as much as I can so maybe some vulnerable young ones hear me and it keeps them safe. Or as safe as possible apart from living alone up a mountain. And maybe women who've been there won't beat themselves up as much. So many women hear me, they get it. I knew they would. There are so many of us affected by this and we are never solely to blame for our actions, this creepyweirdo-enabling society sucks. We do our best. And this part is a big hope, maybe some of the extremists with some heart left will listen and do better, for everyone.

I think what made the situation most befuddling for me was the sexual aspect. It was confusing to me. I kept trying t "fix" it or myself or him. I was in a mess but always thought I was working my way out. The man didn't hit me. He didn't call me names. He revealed his sexism, yes, but I thought I was somehow beyond it because I recognized it for what it was and fought against it. I fought the whole way. I never shut up. Never going to either. I hope that ends up being a good thing! I think I better take a quiet seat for now but thank you all for the love and support and back at ya! ❤️

And I love your part at the end when you do passionately stand up for trans kids' safety 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[quote Wombatmama]Hello, this is an interview I did about being a transwidow. It is quite grim and triggery so beware. I hope this helps a few of us 💪🏼❤️[/quote]
Thank you for doing this interview and thank you @Glinner for it too. So many similarities with my ex apart from the fact he hid the truth from me for most of our relationship and just abused me and blamed me for his rage