Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

@toomanytears, please try to take care of yourself, either via a counsellor or other resources.

It's not all about the AGP husband. You and I and all the rest of us deserve better than that.

My husband wanted me to stay. I refused. Even though I'm now several years post divorce and still haven't been out on a date, it is better than being trapped in that hopeless "Jennifer Boylan" marriage where my ex wanted us to live as "sisters". Because now I at least can have the hope of finding someone who will love me and isn't as fucked-up as my ex.

Very kind of you to remember me Tinsel I have popped back ever so often to keep up with everyone. I wanted to post but wasn't sure how long it would be and I didn't want to offend anyone but here it is.

For background about 18months ago my DH of 20 years announced he had been cd throughout our relationship. He was clearly on the edge of a breakdown so in my head I decided to stay with him for 12 months to get him on an even keel and all my ducks in a row. There were some other reasons for staying that length of time, including our 3dc. I remember just after he told me being awake all night and posting on MN in relationships and tinsel found me and bought me to this thread which has been invaluable and I can not thank her enough for what she has done.

DH did have breakdown, swore he wouldn't continue cd etc but we've heard it all before. He did see an excellent counsellor who thought he is probably autistic (as soon as this was suggested so much slotted into place so I suspect he was right) and that the cd was actually a sex addiction, and addiction is an attempt to escape or block something out. The counselor worked with him for months about his childhood, mainly and I have watched my DH grow into a new person. He has a good understanding of why he felt the need to cd, he's more open and honest about things and an all round better husband and father than he was before. However, in many ways this has left me in limbo. I always thought the cd would continue and I would leave (back in March was the plan but obviously the world had other plans). I am as sure as I can be that he isn't cd and that he won't again but our marriage is still dead. I don't feel it's fair to leave when he's done everything I wanted, day to day we actually get on better than ever and we provide emotional and financial stability for the dc but we have only been physical once in the last 15 months when I thought maybe I should try and repair things and had a lot of wine but I just don't want to. The idea of him 'dressed' repels me and even if he never does it again he still did. I have tried to explain that he's taken something from me. I was never one for loads of lacy garments but occasionally I would wear something other than the standard M&S 5 pack black briefs but I feel I can't with him now. Firstly, what if he finds the clothes more attractive than me? Secondly, I can't cope with the idea that even for a nanosecond he might think how nice it would be to wear them himself.

I still have sexuality but I no longer feel I can express it with him. Day by Day everything is good here but ultimately I'm cheating myself out of loving and being loved. I really need to see a counsellor again myself. I'm still angry that my marriage isn't what I thought it was. DH and I have spoken at length about his actions and it boils down to a shitty childhood and while I would never say anything, I resent his parents for letting him down as a boy. I have read so much about late transitioners and I keep coming back to it being a mental health issue which seems to link to childhood and our sexual expression is often linked to early experiences so while I have a good understanding of DH's behaviour I still can't accept it.

So, in conclusion, if you've got this far, I can't call myself a trans widow. I'm just another lonely woman in a loveless marriage (although that's not true either, DH does love me) but the harm was done by the same shitty society that has raised men poorly so that think they can be women without a thought for anyone else rather than actually dealing with their issues.

Anyway, very pleased to see self id is no longer going to be an option. To all of you in the midst of this, it's hell and there is no happy ending but possibly, one day, we can all get a new hopeful beginning.

I divorced my AGP husband for adultery. He committed adultery 3 times with his lady penis. I also got lots of unreasonable behaviour ie emotional abuse detail in there too. He somehow got a very quick gender recognition certificate (was secretly going to a GIC for 2 years) & so was able to get his new name on the decree absolute to show me divorcing a woman for adultery.

The house was mine in my sole name that I'd owned for many years before I met him and completely paid for myself during the marriage, plus children to support too, so he got nothing.

It's a good day for women and the often-forgotten needs and rights of partners.

Maybe starting by talking through your situation with trusted people. And trying to work out what you ideally want. It's the hardest period of my entire life, leaving and divorcing under these weird isolating circumstances, and in the current climate of trans celebration... But I have come through it better without my ex.

Free initial session with a solicitor to find out where I stood re. house/money.
Saving cash.
Talking to supportive friends and family.
Ascertaining what I wanted (divorce, full custody, to be able to buy him out of he house, clean break, minimal disruption to kids).
You lose nothing by doing some research and planning even if you decide to stay, or stay until the kids are older.
Are you in the UK Slymee ? Married?

I also strongly recommend finding a counsellor or an in-person (or online, these days) support group. I feel like I didn't really start my recovery until I was in therapy and a good support group.

Get professional assistance. There are potential financial traps, like your soon-to-be ex creating a lot of debt. Transition is expensive and I told my ex bluntly that I wasn't going to pay for it.

How you initiate to leave this kinda type men?. I wanna try to leave my husband but kids and financially always make me hard to do that.

100% me. He wanted to stay married with me as fully-on-board female partner... I divorced him very rapidly as I wanted to divorce him, not the new and strange made-up person he had invented. I had a collaborative divorce where you sit with lawyers and thrash it out.. again my idea as I idealised it all being civil and kind (it so wasn't )
And I didn't want to sit in a room with him in a miniskirt talking in that falsetto. Much like Tinsel I wanted the end of my marriage to be reality-based and not part of the transition narrative which usually regards women and children as reasonable and inevitable collateral damage.
Welcome Living.

I know one case where the wife stayed but the semi-transitioned husband suddenly decided they needed to sleep with men to feel like a proper woman.