Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

I've heard versions of "it's certainly not a situation I could tolerate" enough times to realize that those who presume such things are possibly the most vulnerable to these gaslighting POS. It's always ALWAYS far more complicated than that.

Hollywood you seem stuck because of housing/money. You may need to make a decision to either stay put, and maybe make some rules about what you are prepared to tolerate or not. But as you are aware, he is unlikely to stick to agreed boundaries, sadly.
I wonder whether you can get some support about your legal/financial situation if you were to ask him to leave; he must be entitled to some sort of support wherever you are.
Do you want him to leave? Do you want to break up? If you can make a decision on that, regardless of the consequences for him, you could start to find out where you stand.
If you decide to stay, you may have to accept his behaviour, and live some sort of life where you are rather separate, as others have done. It's certainly not a situation I could tolerate but others have found a middle way.

Oh Hollywood, I am so sorry. What a mess. I'm glad you feel better for getting it out.

I know exactly what all the tranny porn business is like and the inability to have actual sex.

Why is it so hard for these men to just be semi-normal?

Hope you don't mind me popping in, I'm a regular lurker and been dealing with my DH 's AGP/fetish behaviour for a good while. I'd never read this series of threads before though, and I'm sitting here in tears now as I can see so many behaviours that you have all been faced with that I too have been dealing with.

I'm pretty sure my DH is all about the fetish, and the sissy. He has been obsessed with transwomen for some time, and has gathered a fair few on his facebook profile. They tend to be the (rather sad) type in bad wigs and corsets, we have mutual trans friends IRL who I get on well with, but I don't think they push his buttons as much.

He's always liked anal, taking it that is, in the nearly 30 years we have been together. Wasn't my thing but I would sometimes do it for him in the early days then it tailed off. He was in prison for a short while in his early 20s (long before I met him) and I suspect something probably happened there that set him off but I don't know for sure, he won't talk about it. Anyhow.....

In recent years our sex life has tailed off a bit. I wasn't overly bothered, I was dealing with the menopause and it wasn't like it went completely, it just reduced a fair bit. Then maybe 2 years ago, it got weird. I realised that he was really struggling to get an erection, and if he did he couldn't maintain it. Sex was, quite frankly, shit. He'd have a half-hearted go then just give up. He didn't cum unless I finished him off by hand. I did a bit of reading, suspected the death grip thing from porn. He denied it (of course) but I discovered he was still wanking, he had (hidden) butt-plugs, and had even bought a vaccuum pump (wtf!)

I tried to talk about it. I though it was his age (early 60s), I thought maybe he just didn't fancy me any more, I thought he'd de-sensitised himself watching porn, I offered to get him viagra, he wasn't arsed, he wouldn't discuss it, just said it was OK, he was OK and not not worry about it. Yeah cheers, I'm gagging for it here but I'll just stoop worrying about it. Aargh.

Shorty after that the gathering of the sad pornified trans on his FB began, and I realised by accidentally coming across it on our shared google drive that I rarely used that he was watching shemale porn. There was a lot of men in corsets giving each other blow jobs. i was a bit stunned, but whatever,

Turned out that was just the start of it. His best mate it appears has been a cross-dresser most of his life, came out to me and several others about a year ago after his elderly mum died. Apparently his mum knew but didn't like him doing it in public. I put 2&2 together, asked DH if he was also a cross-dresser. He said he knew about his mate but no. I didn't believe him. About the same time I found a pot of breast-enhancing cream in a bathroom drawer, he said a female friend had given it to him to try as a moisturiser as he suffers badly from chapped hands. It was just on the edge of plausible, I didn't really believe him but whatever. The idea of him cross-dressing wasn't horrific to me, I had dated a couple back in my (wilder) youth and if that was it I thought I could probably live with that. When I suggested it he clammed up again. I left it.

Fast forward to this year and things have escalated. He started shaving his chest, for the first time in 60-odd years. Then tried to hide it from me in bed, and said he just didn't like seeing the grey as it made him feel old. Hmmm. He's not very tech-savvy, and tends to do a lot of things online that pop up via the shared drive. Back in March I found out that he had been dressing up in a maid outfit and posting pictures and videos of himself online. On facebook no less, on a page called "cross-dressing she-maids". In his own name. It's basically a place where sissy men seem to gather and tell each other how much they would like to fuck each other. Shit. He'd also bought himself male chastity belt. Another wtf moment. I confronted him. He lied. I showed him the proof, he doubled down on the lying. I went ballistic at him. He sobbed, said it was just something he was curious about when he was bored (he hasn't worked in a couple of years since an injury athough he is back to more or less normal now. Says he struggles to get a job due to his age but isn't exactly trying. I pay for everything). It also looked like he's tried to message some of the new FB contacts and send them pics, although none of them had responded. I told him if it was a part of him that he wanted to explore he had my blessing but we would need to separate as it wasn't something I could live with. I told him that I didn't think I loved him any more and he needed to think about what he wanted but most of all he needed to talk to me.

Last week I discovered he had been on youtube looking for "how to buy female hormones online" and that he had ordered both breast-enlarging pills and androgen blockers. So that explained a LOT about why he couldn't get an erection. He'd also done some new pics and vids, again in the maid outfit.

I didn't explode this time, I tried to get him to talk to me. He clammed up again. So instead I poured it all out to him, how I felt sidelined, that I wasn't meeting his needs and that I felt like he was only with me because I am his meal ticket and give him a comfortable life. He cried again. He said he loves me. He said it was just a "daft idea" because of the porn, he just wondered what it felt like to be a woman, sexually. He said it would stop there, that he would delete the FB blokes in wigs, that ii was over, that it stopped right there, that he had been stupid but it was over. I asked him to bring me all his kit. Clothes, shoes, pills, toys. He said he would but he hasn't yet (it's been a week). the sad blokes are still on his FB.

If I kick him out he'll have nowhere to go. I'm beginning not to care. He initiated sex the other day and it was good, more like it used to be. I cried afterwards, while he snored beside me.

I know he's going to do it again. I know when he does he'll have to go - where is not my problem. I'm just waiting for 30 years of my life to come crashing down around my ears. I can't talk to anyone about this.

Only now I can. So I'm sorry it's long, but I already feel better just for letting it out. I'm not looking for sympathy, or even advice really. I just need to talk to someone who understands. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Initially, I felt some sympathy about his issues. Now, I'm starting to just be disgusted by it. "I'll have to trim my nails now because I broke one." I don't have time to even notice my nails. He spends most of the day connected to his "other women friends" on discord chatting about their trans issues and sharing photos and basically pornographic exchages. He looks ridiculous with the hair growing out. The smell of the old-lady lotion he has started using makes me nauseated. It's going to be a long last quarter of the year until he moves out.

Yes. It's somewhat delusional and narcissistic and of course disregards the attached history of women and children.
You have to hang on to an inner core certainty that you know this is bullshit, and these behaviours are not okay. Lots and lots of people feel that way whether they've had personal experience of this, but a lot of us are keeping our mouths shut in public and at work and pressing on with our own lives. You're doing great.

Ugh. "My true authentic self." I am so heartily sick of that ridiculous phrase.

Totally agree - Southern TW you sound like you're really protecting yourself and the intermediary will be a witness to any manipulation or gaslighting that will inevitably follow - eg "I didn't say I'd wait until summer to tell the kids. You're making it up to try to stop me being my truth authentic self!"

You're making great progress South and from my point of view anticipating and planning in the best possible way.
Great idea to have a neutral third party involved, and to perhaps raise any concerns you have about him sticking to agreements around the children.
You may not lose your in-laws; I did but only because they treated me poorly and wanted us all to behave as if absolutely nothing bad had happened in our family. I didn't have a great relationship with them before it all anyway. Yours are likely to feel mortified and sympathetic towards you, so you may manage to keep a relationship with grandparents as others on here have.
As for what it means to be a woman, you are among friends here. We have all experienced this (every time I have the misfortune of bumping into my ex, he is in heels and a short skirt and I am in dirty gardening trousers and yes, well-spotted, no earrings. ) You know what you believe and have experienced and despite the prevailing media coverage and political climate, many many people agree with you, so you need to try to protect yourself against feeling intolerant or ashamed in any way.
It's about sacrificing your time, money, and talents for the betterment of your family... absolutely. The whole experience made me feel my husband could not be less of a woman in fact, given his treatment of his family. I just can't see a mother behaving in the ways he has.
You sound clear-headed, decisive and in a planning mindset which I think will help you greatly. Accept your anger and grief. It passes over time, mellows; episodes of it become shorter and less intense, and people on here have rebuilt decent lives, and their children have turned out okay. Thinking of you.

SouthernTW and everyone else suffering this tragedy . Often in my thoughts

We are scheduled to meet with a family counselor (just spouse and I) at the end of the month because I insisted on having an intermediary to prepare us to tell the kids we are separating and have someone in place for the inevitable bombshell of disclosure to the kids. I am doing everything I can to have supports in place for them.

At this point, spouse says he doesn't plan to tell them until summer time, so 5-6 months after he moves out. We'll see if that lasts. Once he tells the kids, he's going to have to tell his parents and he seems to want to avoid that. His parents are rather elderly and have multiple health issues. His father also suffers from dementia. I am very sad to be losing my in-laws in this ordeal. When we got married and I changed my last name, I said that I wasn't taking spouse's last name but his father's, because he was the best man I have ever known. It brings me enough solace that I don't think I will change my last name back after the divorce.
I am really struggling with his ideas of femininity/womanhood. Being a woman isn't about what one wears. It's not about wearing dresses (or leather leggings in his case) and heels. It's about wearing puke at 3:00 in the morning when your kid throws up. It's about not getting to wash your hair for the third day in a row because your kid won't sleep. It's about sacrificing your time, money, and talents for the betterment of your family. It's not about getting mani/pedis because there sure haven't been a whole lot of those in my past 15 years. It's about forgetting to put in earrings for so many days one's earholes start to close up. I'm definitely in an ager stage of grief this week.

Up to now I've only attracted abusive narcissists with personality disorders or mental illnesses in various forms which I know now is because of the massive red sign on my forehead, visible only to them, shouting "VULNERABLE - WILL TOLERATE ABUSE". I thought "normal" men were boring of course.

Psychotherapy, lots of reading and videos are narcissistic abuse and CPTSD and divorcing my abusive parents changed everything and although I don't actively date, when men enter my life I very quickly see those red flags now and have zero tolerance for fuckwittery.

It took a very long time however and my AGP ex left and re-entered my life for years before I reached my wall.

Sorry older transitioners

Agree Southern. It's hard to.imagine a loving mother making this decision. It feels profoundly selfish as a parent. My kids were a little older but the 12 year-old found it hardest. Your next decision may be an agreement with him on what he does/how he presents around the kids once he leaves, and when/how/who tells them. I'd suggest it's his responsibility and while my ex handled all pre-agreement about behaviour/dressing up and, crucially, talking to the children very badly (ignored what was agreed in terms of slow, gentle introduction/explanation) I doubt I could have influenced that much. Many women on here find agreements and boundaries broken repeatedly, so you may need low expectations and an acceptance is that you will be there to pick up the pieces, keep home safe and secure and fun, and hope that he handles this carefully. The euphoria often leads to a rush to dress up etc and little regard for children and partners. I'm glad you are professionally able to plan security for yourself and your children. I think sadly many women here will vouch that agreeing things on trust doesn't work and that older transitioned need crystal clear boundaries, and the involvement of legal certainty. Might you talk to your son's psychiatrist about this upcoming change and see what they say?

There's so many different flavours of fuckups out there though, yet it's only the agps that seem to make a beeline for me. I veer between wondering whether it's worth spending much time navel-gazing about it (because the next one to show an interest will be getting short shrift) or analysing it as a part of the general field of compulsory heterosexuality. There's probably merit in the latter - we've all been and are being groomed by society to accommodate shitty male sexual behaviour, haven't we?

I'm sure there is no good time for this for kids, but I feel like mine are at a particularly vulnerable age as they are both hitting puberty. My son is turning 12 and my daughter is almost 10. We are fairly religious and also homeschool, so they have been sheltered from a lot of worldly issues and now this. My son has special needs and we are already involved with a psychiatrist for him. Spouse and son have a difficult relationship already. Spouse has not been a very present parent, which he admits. I don't understand how any loving parent can do this to their children.

On the advice of his therapist, spouse doesn't want to tell the kids about his transition until he has to. We are just going to tell them he is moving out. The advice we received is to not tell the kids about the separation until a few weeks before so the plan is for after Christmas.

As far as the speed of getting things resolved. He wants to move out so that he can do all the things that I am not comfortable with (makeup, clothes, hair removal). He is taking biotin and growing out his hair and nails and "moisturizing" and using scented body lotion.

And I'm an attorney so it's important that I get the separation agreement solid. I'm not yet ready to file for divorce mostly due to financial and health insurance reasons.

Haven't posted on a while; ex ended up on my sofa between flats and took a lot longer to extricate than I'd hoped. It's the third time that's happened. Never again! Tinsel will tell me off for it I know, but I can't see him on the street, and then once he's on the sofa no amount of gentle nudging gets him to shift and he refuses to do anything proactive to get himself shifted until I muster up the courage to be harsh about it. But he is gone at last, so I can breathe and gather my thoughts.

One thing that's bothering me, a thread of mine about Rapist Two of Three was linked upthread, and there's the ex too, and these two men are the only men who've ever been interested in anything more than a one night stand with me. What the hell am I doing to attract them?

Not that I'm intending to attract any more; I'm done with being groomed into performing heterosexual behaviour (as my latest namechange indicates). In better times this might have been a good time to go out and find lesbian community... Except men like our exes have driven that community back underground. Thank god there's MN at least.

Welcome Southern. You are among friends here as many of us are going through this or are coming out the other side. I'm impressed at the progress you've made with a separation agreement. You seem to have acted decisively. Or did he want to leave? Either way, kids tend to be our number one priority and often not our ex-partner's as they become so self-centred . How old are your children? Do they know yet? And is he dressing up as this point? I personally felt it vital to be transparent with kids and also to ensure the father takes responsibility for the decision, and explaining it. You will have enough to do day-to-day, financially etc without having to do that work. We have differing experiences of impact on children here. It seems to depend on age and their existing relationship with him. Main thing is that you and they will survive this but it's major shock and loss and takes time. Was it a bombshell for you or did you suspect? Hope you're doing ok. For me, getting separation moving and being clear what I wanted in the midst of an entirely unwanted and devastating bombshell, helped a lot.

Not supper, support.

Hello from across the ocean (US). I’m a trans widow in training. My husband of 15+ years informed me on August 25 that he believed himself to be a transgender woman. Personally, I think he’s having a mental breakdown brought on by a midlife crisis. He will be moving out in January. We have mostly agreed to the terms of our separation. I’m most worried about my kids. And the fact that I have been out of the workforce for 10 years. Just looking for some supper.

Well done you brilliant adult human females!

I know tinsel. I do often think about a fresh start. I think I'd be fine on my own but, then again, it would be nice to be in a real relationship but that's not going to happen while I stay with DH. As I said the problem is that I just don't feel it anymore. Had he continued cd I absolutely would have left but our life, certainly appears, good. If he was behaving in a way that was upsetting the dc then I would leave but he really is being a good dad. I am back at work part time and he does his fair share of the housekeeping and school runs, he does all the after school clubs. In many ways things are better than ever so I don't feel I can destroy the security my dc have. I will just carry on.

The problem is that- and I say this with a very hollow laugh- he was keeping his true self hidden and now he isn't and his true self frustrates me. He used to be very emotional closed but now he tells me daily about his anxiety and depression (although the depression is largely managed with antidepressants). I think in another situation I would care (I did care at the start of all this) but he doesn't understand what he's done to me so I can't raise any interest in his problems. He would like us to seek marriage guidance but I have no interest in that. I can't envisage ever wanting to be physical with him again so we're really just friends raising our DC but if I'm honest we're not even that. As you say, when the trust is gone, what is left?