Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

@Bunshine my experience as well when you mentioned how it has changed your evaluation of politics as well. To see abuse so celebrated at the same time as all these calls to end abuses make it all ring so hollow.

@TinselAngel eager to see what awesome new title you’ve come up with.

I’ve probably said it before here but as much as I hate that any woman has had to go through this, I am so grateful to have found this thread. Just knowing that I’m not losing my mind and this is not an isolated incident has helped my strength immensely. For just about every piece of my story there has been someone else with a piece just like it.

@KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse You summed it up well. The utter deception. Even now he comes up with little things from his early teens that he makes out to be reasons he ‘just knew’.

@QuinnMovesOn I have a couple of friends that are fully supportive and a few more that are supportive only of the ways in which he is neglectful of our child and some of the terrible things he has said to me. They know of the rest but from the reaction I know that they can’t understand why it’s an issue for me nor why it impacts my child.

Any other women that come to these threads please learn what your limits are, how to set boundaries and how to keep them.

I was never really taught what boundaries were and felt it was ‘mean’ and not the done thing for a ‘nice girl’ to tell a male partner no or to speak up when things happened in private that I did not like. The social norm also seemed to be that once a certain stage was reached in a relationship a “good girl” remained in that relationship for a long time and only “bad girls” reached that stage and did not remain committed. All of that is not isolated to the current situation I am in and certainly shaped other relationships I stayed in since I was young where I now see I should have got out.

This specific situation though escalated over time and each time something uncomfortable happened I felt I had to be ‘nice’. There is no reward at the end of all that being nice and making yourself smaller and smaller. I’m grateful for this thread but also know I can only be so open about what is happening.

I would lose my job if I talked publicly about what my ex has said and done.

I do have friends who are very supportive, but they don't say anything publicly, either. Because talking about how transgenderism is anything but wonderful and "brave and stunning" could cost them their jobs, too.

Sorry, should say always, indignant typing!

@Bunshine, they say all things will pass, maybe one day this sad situation will pass too. There's so much in social media and the papers about Transgender issues but the Trans Widows thread was the first time I'd really seen wives talk about how things were from their side, not the "Take a Break" crappy stories about My DH became a woman and We've never been happier". Without getting in trouble with MNHQ I find it hard to put into words how wrong your posts feel to me, even when they say they're women the rest of the female sex is still being held accountable for them.We're always in the wrong it seems

Thanks, @Daleksatemyshed! The good news, if you can call it that, is that, for me at least, those close to me who I've told have also been horrified and very supportive. In society at large though, I am afraid to go more public because I am genuinely afraid of death threats, rape threats and doxxing. There are also many tactics that remind me of the narcissistic abuse I suffered before:

Name calling (a particular slur)
Gas lighting
Minimising
Invalidation
Bullying and threats
The general idea that if my reality differs from another's, that I must be destroyed

The above and more are pretty much textbook narcissistic manipulation. To be honest, I've been traumatized enough and my emotional and physical safety are very important to me. The emotions and polarized anger regarding this issue are very extreme right now, and I really don't want to put myself in the line of fire. I can say, and I do consider myself a reasonable, caring person, this is the first time in my life I've ever felt silenced. This experience has really changed the ways I evaluate today's politics as well, for what it's worth. I think you'd find a similar sentiment among other TWs, especially those who came into this experience quite left leaning.

In the end, what I find absolutely astounding is that a group or society can look at an abused wife and her abusive husband, and celebrate him while compounding her abuse by threatening her into silence. Makes me want to go live in the woods.

I found this thread and read it out of interest and I feel I need to say how profoundly sorry I am that you've all had SO much to endure. Any body else being emotionally abused on this scale would have a chorus of support on the other boards and yet you feel the need to hide away for fear of public disapproval. I can't believe these men felt you should just accept this, it's misoginy on a massive scale. I hope you can all find RL support, peace and some happiness

@TinselAngel

I always start getting twitchy about starting a new thread around now. Do let me know if you feel a 70 post rant coming on!

I guess I'm glad that the few people I've told about spouse's belief that he is tg have been horrified. I'm not very woke nor do I hang with that crowd. One of my biggest fears is that people will assume I did know about this earlier.

It really is difficult (to say the least) @Bunshine that groups/friends where this one factor of our experience totally changes if they would be supportive.

@TinselAngel / @Zeev same here. Years of zero idea or hint. Fabricated interests and hobbies. Pretend work ethic. Presented with a totally different person for at least 3 years before any of the mask fell. And even then it was such a slow progression. Then “I don’t understand how this matters, I’m exactly the same! You never loved me then.”

Bunshine

My ex was probably the most overtly masculine guy I'd ever been with, to be honest. He defo didn't act like a woman, and in fact would say misogynistic things sometimes, so no.

You know, even after all this time, even after my life has gotten so good and peaceful (which I certainly don't take for granted!) and I'm free legally and in every other way, the emotion that pops up for me, often totally uninvited, is the level of white-hot rage I have at being deceived in such a way.

Because, my ex knew about his tendencies before he married me. And then waited until I was good and stuck in the UK on a spousal visa, where the ending the marriage or even living separately might get me deported, before he decided to let me in on his little secret.

Then, he went full-bore pretty quickly, and his personality totally changed. Things he used to make fun of me for liking because they were so feminine, he suddenly liked. He was totally absent emotionally because he spent every minute he at work sat in front of the computer on message boards or watching trans Youtube docs or makeup tutorials. He dropped all his old hobbies, many of which we used to share. His sexual wants changed and he refused to be intimate unless it was the way he wanted, which, uh, I wasn't in to. In every way that mattered, I was functionally single for years before I realised it.

For me, that bombshell was no less a contract-rewriting, deal-breaking revelation than if he knew I wanted kids, and he married me before telling me he was sterile, or if he suddenly decided he was going to be a bigamist. I was completely blindsided. And to add insult to injury, it was like watching him and my dreams along with it die, be replaced by a cheating 'party girl', and be expected to celebrate it. There was only one person who got it, a woman who was dating a friend of his, who tried to give me support. But it could really only go so far because they all partied together. Of course, he tried to get me to hang out with his new friends (so that I'd have to accept it), but that ended pretty quickly because he wanted me to be 'happy' all the time when we went out, and it just made me cry. So I decided to be authentic; I went out one night with him in all black, and told a friend of his that I felt like I was in mourning and was really having a hard time with things, and that I felt like my husband had died. That messed with the story he was telling them about how his wife was supportive and totally fine with him being out every weekend (big fat liar alert!), so shockingly I was not invited back. He didn't really want me there anyway. I got in the way of his good time.

But, you know what pisses me off the most? He knew he was doing all this stuff, and what he wouldn't admit to me, but what I see very clearly in hindsight, was that he was keeping me around until he was ready to 'make the jump', feeding me a bunch of lies while he made his mind up about how far he wanted to go. He wanted to go out and have the excitement and attention etc, but then he wanted a little wifey to come home to so he, what, wouldn't have to sleep alone? Had someone to do his laundry? I was a security blanket, not a person. The trauma and complete destruction of trust those years inflicted on me - he could have cared less. That level of callousness and selfishness and COWARDICE, I didn't know someone was capable of those things. I can say that I've come out of it much more self-protective and savvy about who I give my time and attention to, but it's been a very hard life lesson!

I would apologise for these novel-length posts, but it's very difficult to talk about these things with others. It's like, with any other issue, if he'd been a gambler, or a drunk, or a porn addict, my old feminist community would be there for support. But if my ex had gender issues...it's like hearing about my experience creates so much cognitive dissonance with their narrative, they just ignore me or kind of imply I should probably keep my mouth shut. I feel betrayed by them as well. :( It's painful to remember these things, but it's so wonderful to meet people who've been through the same thing. Thank you all so much for telling your truth. xx

This was the level of gaslighting for me: "I was open about being transgender with my wife before we were married." That outright lie, told to all of our friends and my family, still makes me burn.

@SouthernTW yes the deceit is so much of this situation. All through the escalating phases he’d shift the story so many times of how far he intended to go and how long he’d been at it. He’d say with a straight face to me that he had no idea until just before his announcement of “full time” that it was going to escalate to that point. Then the next day have no issues talking on the phone to others going on about having a name picked out for over 20 years. Yet I am supposed to just sit and be grateful (outside of few places such as this thread) to be deceived for so many years with zero indication there was such a major sexuality incompatibility. So many fundamental things about the person I was presented with were lies but I’m supposed to have a celebration.

@Bunshine that is very true to look at the actions over the words. I do wish that I had realized that so much sooner.

I know it must be very difficult for you to have to share those harsh realities, but please know how helpful it is to transwidows like me. Hearing these things strengthens my resolve to put more and more distance and not be lured in to giving him the benefit of the doubt.

" Eventually, he had changed so drastically I didn't even recognize him and was perfectly content to keep me in the dark wasting my life waiting for him to change/stop when he had no intention whatsoever of doing so."

This. Right there. That's where I am and I'm not going to waste any more time. Who knows who he really is or even was? The level of deceit is so great at this point.

@QuinnMovesOn

Thanks, Quinn. And all. It was such a chore sorting fact from fiction toward the end. Essentially, my ex would tell me enough to keep me hooked in (he was just experimenting, he wanted to stop, nothing shady was going on online or during the all nighters he was pulling in the clubs or at house parties every weekend), but he was escalating his behaviour and cheating behind my back. For years. Eventually, he had changed so drastically I didn't even recognize him and was perfectly content to keep me in the dark wasting my life waiting for him to change/stop when he had no intention whatsoever of doing so. The lies just had just become absurd, and I can say I'm probably now correct, in hindsight, that maybe 5% of what came out of his mouth had any basis in reality.

He had started his 'new life' in earnest years before I left, and I was the last to know. I, and anyone else going through this, deserve better. xx

@Bunshine, that is an awesome post. Especially #5, stop listening to what he's saying and look at what he's doing. My ex was saying a lot of delusional bullshit (some of which I think he believed) before we parted ways, but actions? Those were all very clear.