Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Re. kids, one of mine has told no'one; it's proved rather isolating but they are so fearful of being branded transphobic that it is preferable. Other young people aren't that interested in why Dad left; most probably assume he has a new girlfriend.
The other has gradually told people very close and has found them entirely sympathetic.
Both mine are very 'woke' generally and their primary worry is not shame about him, but being judged as unkind for not wanting anything to do with him.
It becomes last week's news quite quickly, and families break up all the time, so what feels terribly public and difficult quite quickly recedes.

socialworker- I can't believe people survive this either. It is supremely helpful to know that there are others who have made it through since it all seems so bleak right now. And I am hating the people feeling sorry for me already. Only three others know other than my therapist and I detest being the source of pity. I wish I could go hide in a hole.

And I know all about the escalation. I'm sure he will have his appointment for laser removal scheduled before he gets all of his stuff out. And of course, he couldn't even just wax eyebrows and chest, he had to get his arms done too. I can't wait until he moves out. I just can't. He looks ridiculous with his mop of hair and hunching over trying to appear shorter than his 6'5."

Thanks Asking. We welcome allies who understand this goes beyond identity politics. It's good to know other people read this and support us.

I am not a transwidow and very probably have no business to be in this thread, but I can't help being horrified about the number of men who seem to wait until they have children in a marriage and have thus forced a woman into a completely false position before "coming out" and telling the woman that she now has to accept them as female. It seems such calculated cruelty, both to her and to the child or children.

There is no way that I would ever blame any woman for not wanting to stay married to a man who had lied to her about himself when it's something so essential, any more than I would blame a woman for wanting not to stay married to a man who had lied about being a serial adulterer or who had been visiting prostitutes regularly while telling her he was at the football. It's the lies that would be a deal-breaker for me, and I think that's the root of it. Nobody should be made to feel they have to go along with someone else's lies!

Some of the things I have read here have made me weep with fury and sympathy. There's no way that someone is to blame for being the victim of abuse, or ought to feel it's somehow their fault, I just don't have the words.

I wish each and every one of you recovery from this horror, and happier lives in the future.

Regarding shame Southern, I felt, and still feel, ashamed of my situation several years later and can't really understand why. I guess it's like anyone being married to someone with a secret that breaks up the family: surely we could have spotted the signs? Maybe we were into it (sexually)? Maybe we're a bit flakey too to be with someone so flakey? Maybe our judgement is poor, to have had kids with someone so self-centred and unstable.
I also live somewhere quite close-knit and hate the fact that everyone knows, I mean everyone. Even people I don't really know. Because of course if someone else's Dad at school had done this, I too would talk about it over the dinner table. It's very unusual and isolating.
And of course really, other people admire us. They tell me they can't believe I survived this, that I have been so strong for my kids, that I asserted myself as a woman and didn't stay because I couldn't cope without a man, and a police officer colleague said I was 'the bravest person they knew' (which has to be ridiculous, but felt good :)).
So on the whole, people aren't thinking about you other than to feel sorry for you (which you may or may not welcome), and admire you for being decisive. So many people have admitted they too would not stay, but of course that's a bit taboo and we all have to pretend if we love enough, the rainbow family will prevail...
So you will need to start gently tweaking your thinking when you go down that road, and remind yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately he does, however much his allies say he should be proud, for the way he's handling it.
It's normal to feel that way. But there is a way out, and as for the sex, you so will. I'll leave that to others who have found new partners unlike me, for now.

I hate how angry I feel all the time. I'm buying my kid a punching bag for Christmas, but I think it's really going to be for me.

The spouse went and got his chest and eyebrows waxed today. We had argued about him getting laser hair removal because of the cost, so this is his way around that. It makes me want to vomit. And then, he came home and hopped on his ridiculous discord chatting with the other trans. It's like he's addicted. Who am I kidding? He IS addicted.

Random thoughts that pervaded my day:
I'm in my late 40's and wondering if I will ever have decent sex. Somehow, it didn't bothered me going years with no penetrative intercourse (sorry for the TMI) and being married, but now . . .

How terrible it is of me to wonder if the kids could just not mention to others that he's transitioning when they find out. Our lives will be totally separate. We have almost no friends in common. He has no IRL friends. I hate that I have to be ashamed of something that I have no control over.

Tinsel

Trust took a long time ! It has been almost 4 years now. Really, he had a lot of problems and worse than the gender stuff was the alcohol which I think finally, he has broken free of for good. I found that trust was a very gradual coming back. I had followed ALAnon advice a bit and “separated with love” Emotionally. This was helpful for my coping day to day but now it’s more of a struggle to reconnect back up ya know? We’d become very dissociated.

southernTW

It’s a bit frustrating but we do have our daughter so it would be OK not to have another child. Just was something we’d been looking forward to so would be too bad especially if it’s due to the HRT. But who knows maybe it’s not.

And I got a cut and dye job today! I'm going back to the redhead I used to be. In more ways than one.

FWLurker- that is quite an update. Infertility is very difficult and especially under these circumstances. What a wonderful thing that your husband has changed so much.

Tinsel- I went back and read your entry. I had read it before, but somehow had focused on other parts of your story. You very eloquently describe the emotions I'm having right now. The gong through the motions in a fog and the fear and shame of others finding out.

Hollywood- there is a lot to be said for peace. Even if it's only a brief respite.

Socialworker- Thank you for sharing that. I'm so sorry to hear how your children have suffered. I have yet to hear stories of this going well despite spouse's assurances that my (I'm refusing to say our anymore) children "won't be traumatized."

I'm doing my best to take care of myself. I fear there's a bit of trauma bonding going on over here. But one particular thing I'm proud of is that I am not self-medicating with food. I have lost 53 pounds since May and am determined to get back to my pre-wedding weight of 15 years ago.

Southern you will get to days where you don't cry. And you sleep. But of course you're done in. It's exhausting and overwhelming and difficult to imagine an end. I remember sitting with the kids eating and being unable to swallow my food, I was so distressed and broken. But it doesn't last. It's a series of tough hurdles and stages. Make sure you look after yourself as best you can.
How did my kids take it? Badly. They haven't seen him for over 4 years. He never prepared them, explained, asked or answered questions or did it in stages... He just did it. They didn't like it and stopped seeing him. The one who found the Instagram post blocked him that day from all messaging. She was, rightly, so angry and distressed and said 'He doesn't care about us'. It was terrible. I had a bad feeling she was right, and he only really cared about himself through it all.
Time is really helpful as is a plan, being practical, talking, trying to do nice/fun stuff with your kids, and working towards your different new future. You'll totally get there but it's really hard. We're here for you.

It's all gone quiet over here.

The blokes in wigs and corsets are gone from his FB. He's cracking on with housework and other tasks while I'm at work without me having to nag remind him. I asked him to bring me all his "stuff" and that hasn't happened yet though.

He's acting like nothing has happened.

I'm sure he genuinely thinks he's "stopped".

I'm just waiting for the next cycle to start.

Still, at least it's peaceful. No rows or tears at the moment.

I have a bit to share, To recap from long ago my husband identified as trans for 2 years starting around... 6 years ago now, including HRT.

He’s in a much better place now he’s detransitioned (No more drugs or alcohol or gender obsession, has a new degree and job, is physically healthy) and so is our relationship, so we are trying to have a second child. However we are struggling and think he may be infertile due to the hormone treatments. We’ll see how it goes... But even a happy ending to this situation Like We’ve ended up with may still have consequences.

SouthernTW you asked what to tell the kids and I’d try to be honest when the time comes (obviously wait until you feel the time is right). Like, no one really understands why, but some people get a really strong feeling that they want others to believe they are the opposite sex than they are. Sometimes they even take meds or get surgeries to make this more possible.

But you can’t control what others believe and that it’s OK if they still see their dad as their dad, and that they should never feel they have to lie to or about him.

Do you all ever just feel exhausted by all the emotions? Between not sleeping much and just being overwhelmed by the sheer up and down cycle of the emotionalism around here, I am done in. I would love one day I didn't cry. Today, I almost lost it as I was reading aloud to my kids. Just getting through a day feels like an accomplishment and I'm not too successful at that.

Tinsel- In the US about 3-5% of kids are homeschooled although in my area that percentage is higher. Although I can see where some men might use it was a way to create economic dependency, that's not the case for our family. And now I am scrambling to figure out a way to make it work financially so that I can continue to homeschool my kids. They don't want to go to a traditional school. They are close to old enough to make it work if I can just hang on another year or two. I currently work part-time (one day a week) teaching older homeschool students and am planning to double that for the next school year. It won't be lucrative, but I can't imagine going back to practicing law and working full-time while my children deal with this trauma.

XYZ- What a dreadful situation. I am glad you have escaped.

Socialworker- I fear the day he comes out on his Twitter feed. All of his likes for these ridiculous-looking men dressed as women is bad enough. How are your kids taking your ex's disclosure?

No mood