Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Well, he has apologized and asked for forgiveness for a lot of his hurtful actions of the past. I do feel like there is genuine remorse on his part for many of the things he's done. Perhaps, therapy has at least benefited him there. I also do think that he is struggling with some form of mental anguish- call it "gender dysphoria" or something else. But that doesn't change the scientific fact that he's not a woman, nor the fact that I'm not going to be married and live with someone pretending to be one.

I have decided to treat our remaining time in as peaceful and respectful manner as I can. I'm re-framing as it's almost like he's dying (since "he" potentially will be). This is my opportunity to say good-bye to the husband that I do love.

We are meeting with the family counselor tomorrow in hopes of finding someone who can help direct our family through this, beginning with how to tell the kids he's moving out.

My ex also went through a phase, after I said I wanted a divorce, of trying to be nice to me, actually doing some chores, etc. I don't understand what motivated that.

My suggestion is once you know divorce is inevitable, get through the divorce phase as quickly as you can, as long as you aren't sacrificing anything financial by going fast. I don't think you can really start to heal until after you're legally finished.

Did anyone else start noticing random strangers more? I find myself doing a double-take when I see what I would have previously assumed was just a tall woman. And I notice men who actually look masculine much more than I ever did. I smelled some man's cologne in a store the other day and I was sort of shocked by it. I guess because of how turned off I am by the powdery old-lady smell spouse has taken on with his scented lotion.

That's what I am afraid. It's all great and respectful right now. But when he moves out, we will see how it goes.
Although we did have a bit of a blowout when he told me I could tell myself he's a man right now, if it makes me feel better. I responded, "You will always be a man to me." He tried to get me to say that when he transition or years down the road, I would refer to him as a woman. Not happening.

Thank God for therapy! It keeps me (somewhat) sane.

Yes, I started well and very committed to a collaborative split, cooperation, kindness etc.
It went downhill when agreements were broken, and money reared its ugly head.
I look back with sadness that it is so hard to have a truly amicable divorce, although I'm by no means alone alongside friends whose husbands left for other women.
All you can do is behave well yourself, be clear and assertive, and remember it will be better one day in the future (it really is).

He's made his position clear and I've made my response clear. So we have detente until the beginning of the new year and pray we don't kill each other living in the house together until then.

Thanks for the support, TWs and lurkers!

For all the brave women on this thread

And Southern one of the items my ex was most keen to take was our bathroom scales. The narcissism and self-absorption was extraordinary. Photos of the children? Of our wedding? Not interested. But his own appearance, at a point of leaving a family, top-priority. I found, and find, it pretty much impossible to empathize.

Sorry you guys on here have to tolerate this kind of bullying. Reading the TW threads you put up with enough of this at home. It's a shame some people can't tolerate others' need for safe spaces to speak freely and receive kindness and compassion.

Milady this is a support thread, not a place to debate the supposed 'womanhood' of our partners, or push pronouns in our faces in capitals. You hang out on other threads chastising women, but this is not the place. Women here need support and a safe place to speak. Head off and tell people off elsewhere. And have some compassion and decency about where you throw your weight around.

I feel like I am losing my mind, y'all. I am pretty sure that spouse has lost his. Please help me process. I apologize for the word vomit. I can't wrap my mind around all the things. I have a therapist, but only get to see her every other week for 50 minutes.

I went back and read the previous TW threads, just trying to better understand and make some sense of this ridiculous mess of a life.

And spouse isn't like a lot of the ones described. He hasn't tried to push any of the trans nonsense into our bedroom. In fact, he's rejected me for years. He's agreed to relinquish legal custody and even pay a fair amount of spousal and child support. He doesn't want to fight about anything (other than that he is insistent he IS a woman). He is going to a transpositive counselor who is pushing the narrative and won't consider any other ways to resolve his issues. He won't look into any of his other issues with her. He's basically living online in his trans chat rooms and obsessing about body hair and his weight (which isn't even that bad given how much he's now lost).

He basically has been acting as a woman in an online virtual reality world for years and having cyber sex (presumably as a woman). He says he came to the realization that he was hiding his "true self" (barf) and that's why he weighed so much and thought so little of himself. He obviously has body dysmorphia and has lost 115 pounds in the last six months. He is spouting political opinions that are completely antithetical to what he always has before. I feel like he's gone off his rocker with the mid-life crisis.

In discussing what the remainder of his time in the house will look like, he wants us to basically "enjoy" being as husband and wife like we should have been doing all along. And it all has an end date- i.e.,, when he moves out. He says he wants to be "kind, loving, and respectful, and treat (me) as (I) deserve." He wants to cuddle and talk and kiss me. He keeps caressing me. If I want to, he will have sex with me, but nothing "involving his genitals" because he's "ashamed" of them. If I want to just get off, I think I'd rather just do it myself because he's not very good at it and the way he smells all powdery is a huge turn-off.

This is all just the biggest mindf$*&!

Southern you will feel like that, pulled all ways and exhausted by it. I remember feeling I hate him, I love him, I'm glad he's gone, I miss him.. all at once. It's okay, and completely normal. All these stages are painful. Things like wedding rings and photos, gifts and memories, plans you had, in-jokes, moments with children, really hard. It's a dreadful living grief.

Yes and no. I have been taking it off for several days at a time and putting it back on. I confronted him about it and he said that he thought "that's what we were doing" since I had taken mine off. We had a log discussion about what the next few months of cohabitating are going to look like. It was actually a fairly productive (although emotionally draining) conversation.
I feel like I'm now in a denial stage of grief because there's a part of me that wishes he would just stop all this craziness. There's some little small piece of me that wants to hope, which I know is just stupid. He says he loves me and he's afraid he's making a mistake. He seems to have some doubts about the rightness of this whole thing, but then it's almost like he talks himself back into it.
Sigh.

He took his wedding ring off. He finally has lost enough weight to get it off his finger. He didn't tell me he was going to take it off. I wasn't prepared for how upset it would make me.