Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Thank you all for the support. I truly do appreciate it.

We had a heated discussion last night which culminated in me being clear that, "I deserve a husband who actually cares about my needs and you don't want to be that so when is your move-out date?"

She's been dead a long time. I still miss her.

@SouthernTW, I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress on top of everything else. Glad to hear you're resuming with a therapist, I think that's a really healthy choice. Hang in there, you'll get through this.

Crikey.

Mumsnet HQ deleted my message of support to a Transwidow. That’s surely a new low?

SouthernTW - I hope you saw it - I said the universe has better in store for you, set yourself free ❤️🌈

You are all right. I know this. I need to remember this.

I really need to go in for a therapy appointment. The holiday and surgery created too big of a gap between appointments.

By the way I personally think he's what MN calls a CF, but my first answer was the civil one Look after yourself and hand him the responsibility for sorting out his own mess

You've got a lot on your plate right now Southern
Just because he is wavering doesn't mean you have to offer any change of heart or new ideas on the situation. You can press on with the plan and watch and wait. If for some reason you decide you do want to take him back if he changes his mind, or take him back later on, you absolutely don't have to know right now or give reassurance of any kind. Far too big a decision to reverse right now, and an unreasonable ask on his part. So you can say you don't know how you'd feel in future, but I wouldn't be pushing myself at a stressful time, to pull a new offer out of the bag. I'd stick with the plan and bide your time. You are worth more than to be pulled by his changes of heart. Him going gives you space to work out what you want and how you feel about him

Nothing to add to what these wise people have said. Just

@SouthernTW confusing indeed. I get much the same feeling as the others that have commented. That he is hedging his bets and impression I get trying to ensure he can slip back to his “old life” like nothing happened should he find he doesn’t want to commit to his new life. But the thing is that there has already been an impact to you and to your children. That impact doesn’t just poof go away.

A suggestion I’ve seen in other places (and probably here as well) is to look back at your posts and your account of your experiences. If he is back and forth on his decisions are you game for going through the same things again?

SouthernTW I have not had your experience but I do drop in on this board when it comes to the top of the pile. There are lots of women on FWR who are profoundly sad about the situation transwidows find themselves in. Someone like Tinsel has the knowledge to help you through but I am guessing this is not a great journey. What I do know is how manipulative men can be, that is evidenced by all of the women's stories on this thread.

Yes he just wants to know you're there in case it all goes wrong. He's reeling you back in and will no doubt discard you again. Watch this video about the idealisation and discard cycle.

Look - you deserve better than being someone's backup. What do you want for your future? Instead of waiting to be "left" when he decides to, how about you tell him to go?

He's looking for a soft landing if it all goes pear shaped, and he wants you to be his shoulder to cry on. Wouldn't it be a great deal? He moves out to "explore" whatever, and he can still rely that you're there waiting for him if he feels like he wants to return to his old life, if just for a moment.

(Please don't go along with that.)

I am not in a good place mentally. I need what my grandma would call a "come to Jesus meeting" and for y'all to talk some sense into me.

Spouse is confusing me greatly. He now "feels more connected to me than he has since the beginning of our relationship" and "feels conflicted about leaving" (although he did buy things for his new place during Black Friday sales, but still no lease signing). He tells me he loves me. He asked me on a date for Friday. He wants to know if I would "take him back" if after he "explores his gender identity" he decides "not to go through with it."

It's just the four of this year (given COVID and the surgery and the circumstances of our messed up life right now). And spouse usually cooks anyway. I won't be cleaning up much this year.
This is his holiday. I am all about the Christmas. Which is why in the separation agreement, he gets the kids on Thanksgiving and I get them on Christmas instead of alternating.

What a crap week this has been. My friend died on Monday, leaving those poor three kids without a mother. And I just keep thinking how her husband keeps saying he would do anything just to have more time with her and then there's mine who can't wait to take my children's father away from them. Sigh.
I had surgery yesterday so am home recuperating as we prepare for American Thanksgiving. It keeps hitting me that this is our last one as a family of four. I'm tired and melancholy.

I finally got the chance to go back and read Part 2 of Dr. Em's article. I want to shout these stories from the rooftops. I hate that the prevailing narrative is of all of these women who just suddenly "become lesbians" and support their husbands transitions when what is really happening is these terrible stories of abusive behavior. It also drives me bonkers that there are so many mental health professionals who are supporting these "transitions."

@QuinnMovesOn that is infuriating. I do hope your work remains unaltered and is permitted to list the authors correctly as of the time of publication.

@TieYourCannons it is so very hard on the DC and for you as you try to help them navigate. I’ll never understand the cruelty.

@TinselAngel & @SouthernTW oh yes here there are so many complaints about how much the laser hurts. There are so many different brands and types of razors in the bathroom it is mind boggling the the obsession.

@TinselAngel part two of Dr Em’s article struck a chord. Especially the part about devaluing the wife. There were a few choice overt times where he really let the mask slip and now little digs here and there. Vain attempts as thankfully from the support I’ve found I know what to expect.

@HollywoodTease I feel you on the emotionally empty.

@TieYourCannons- that is so heartbreaking. I too cannot understand how someone can do this to his children. As a child of an absent and serial adulterous father (not exactly the same but definitely crappy parenting), I do know that kids eventually figure out who the selfish one is in the equation.

@QuinnMovesOn - that is infuriating and makes me so mad on your behalf. This rewriting of others' history is deeply disturbing It's essentially societal gaslighting.

I am at my in-laws for what is likely the last time. They live a few states over. I love these people so much and they are going to be so devastated by this information when spouse finally tells them (whenever that may be). I am struggling with all the memories of when we first came here. It's where we got engaged.

And the bad news of 2020 keeps on rolling in I am going to need surgery in a week, potentially a hysterectomy. It's really screwing with my mind. And a friend of mine was just put in hospice. She is 42 with three children 10 and under. She only found out last month she had cancer and now she likely won't be here for Christmas.

Meanwhile, it's transawareness week or whatever the heck it's called and spouse is retweeting messages about people being accepting of trans people. Not sure why he feels the need to do these things but stay in his closet. And the repeated protestations of how much he loves me. If you love someone, you don't desert them to wear a freaking dress.