Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

We have a move-out date- January 8. I don't think we are giving the kids enough notice, but I need him out. And he left early on Friday before the kids got up and they didn't even realize he was home until 3:30 in the afternoon.

I was having a discussion with him (which wasn't heated for a change), truly trying to understand his thinking about what exactly a "transwoman" is. He gave me the example that what if I somehow entered some sort of Wonderland where I knew I was a woman, but now had a penis and deep voice and people called me sir. And honestly, I just don't get this line of thinking. Who cares what other people think or call you? I know inside what I am and it's not defined by what others think I am. And honestly, doesn't have a lot to do with the fact that I am a woman. I think about my characteristics and they aren't necessarily associated with my body parts or society's ideas of womanhood. I am honest, hard-working, and responsible. I take care of my own shit and a lot of other people's too. I told him also that I don't even necessarily associate womanhood or what I consider femininity with positive things. Being a woman isn't about wearing dresses and heels or someone calling me ma'am. It's about being afraid to walk alone at night, it's about getting up in the middle of the night to pick up my kid's vomit. It's about my body never really being my own because someone needs a part of me- whether it's a shoulder or breast to feed and having to let medical providers pull things out of my uterus. It's about being told I am too assertive and argumentative for a woman. It's about not fitting in too well with the Christian women at church. I told him in a lot of ways I think it would have been easier for me to be a man, but I'm not changing my reality for something that's not.

Anyhow, feeling pensive today.

Sounds good Southern. We did a holiday and it was tough going. It's mixed feelings wanting them to go and grieving the loss of your family life. Take care of yourself.
Talking of which, blimey Tinsel you've earned it

peace to you Tinsel

But yes, this will be a defining moment for my kids. I am ready to move forward with a life for the three of us. Unfortunately, we have a vacation planned in the middle of all the mess over Christmas week. So, we will tell them when we get back.

I'm also really glad I homeschool so I can just give them a pass on school stuff in January if it's necessary.

@SouthernTW, I'm very glad to hear this. I know for me, I couldn't even begin to start sorting out my own life until after my ex and I were no longer living together. I hope things start to settle down for you soon.

It's progress Southern. You can use it as breathing-space, or turn it into a full separation. You get some control and space and time to think.
It's really rough on kids, and greatly unappreciated by the wider world. Brace yourself for telling them -whatever the circumstances it's a terrible moment in family life. But most find a way through it however bewildering and upsetting. Hope you get to have a decent Christmas.

Spouse signed a lease today. We will tell the kids just after the new year. The end is in sight. Well, an end, at least. It's only just beginning for my poor kids.

'Now that's What I Call Transwidows' ...

If it is coming out then, maybe June Tabor singing Billy Bragg's "Valentine's Day Is Over"?

Ooooh, thanks y'all! You're the best.

Therapy got my head sorted and I told spouse I don't even care if he is moving out permanently or whatever all he is dithering about. I need him to at least go to some residential hotel or somewhere for a few weeks minimum because I need a break from his roller coaster. I don't even care anymore what he chooses to do when I don't have to see it. I just need to not see him.

Not a TransWidow, but I occasionally pop over to have a read to see how you're all doing. I'm in awe of your strength dealing with the kind of shit your exes, partners and spouses have put you through. I really don't know how I'd cope with that.

Posting now to help @SouthernTW with her Breakup Playlist. None of them are particularly new, which shows my age, but they are quite apt:
Kelis - (it's the one that goes "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! AAAAHHHHH!!!" in the chorus), and also
P!nk -
Anastacia -
Shakespears Sister -
Kirsty MacColl - is defiant, while is more reflective
Transvision Vamp -
Alison Moyet - , and her version of is probably my favourite too
Blondie -
Gloria Gaynor - (it's a cliche but with good reason)
Aretha Franklin - as well as "Respect" (already mentioned) there's
Ray Charles -
I'd be tempted to include Billy Bragg's , but that definitely needs a trigger warning for mentions of domestic abuse.

SouthernTW a break up song to add to the list is another Coldplay track - Magic

Call it magic
Cut me into two
And with all your magic
I disappear from view

And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
Still believe in magic?
Oh, yes, I do

Spot on Quinn.
Interesting feature on Ambiguous Loss on radio 4: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000pxr3
Talked about loss where the person is 'atill here but not here', like after dementia or head injury, or missing persons. Resonated with experience of families of transitioners, where the person destroys their identity and shared history, but still lives round the corner... I emailed the programme to note this is similar and such families and partners are often forgotten in terms of impact. It wouldn't surprise me if it's a glaringly obvious example but the BBC wouldn't dare mention it. Or am I paranoid?

@SouthernTW, glad to hear it, and hang in there! It will get better.

Though I have to say what pisses me off on your behalf is how much we TWs are expected to accommodating with BS like this. What if it wasn't transgenderism but adultery? "I want to move out for a while so I can f*ck your best friend but I want to stay close with you in case that doesn't work out" Really??!! Is there anyone on the planet who would think that's okay?

But somehow we are expected to just go along with anything our trans husband wants, because "politics".

[quote BettyDuKeiraBellisMyShero]A soundtrack for your next late night drive!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ6Anq1K2Kg[/quote]
This is fantastic in so many ways. And spot on. I have gotten a new hair color and lost 65 pounds so my jeans are tighter (and skinnier). Thanks @BettyDuKeiraBellisMyShero. You're my shero today!

I am adding it to my breakup playlist, which is quite fantastic if I do say so myself. If anyone else has suggestions for that playlist, I'm all ears. Here it is so far:
What About Us (Pink)
Fix You (Coldplay)
Better Man (Little Big Town)
Landslide
Someone Like You (Adele)
Survivor (Destiny's Child)
Stronger (Kelly Clarkson)
Dreams (Fleetwood Mac)
Party for One (Carly Rae Jepsen)
It's Too Late (Carole King)
Don't Speak (No Doubt)
Respect (Aretha)

Yes! But I didn’t say anything that wouldn’t be considered OK over on the relationships board (where women are frequently empowered to leave men who engage in upsetting social and/or sexual behaviours)!
I was already on the naughty step, mind you.

Still, was a fantastic real-time illustration as to how much harder it is for transwidows and soon to be transwidows to access support than it is for women with non-transitioning partners.

for everyone on this thread

(I only popped my head round the door last night because it was very late and I didn’t want SouthernTW to have to wait til UK morning to get a response!)

Any idea why you were deleted Betty?

A soundtrack for your next late night drive!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ6Anq1K2Kg