Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

I'm pretty sure that the relationship won't last, but I don't feel able to end it yet, at least until I get to therapy. I have some anxiety about it and having to tell people why. Even though he's got serious problems he's really good with the kids and doing housework and cooking. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just taking him for granted in that respect.

I had to quit my job because I just couldn't face going back there, I'm so burnt out and mentally not able to deal with it. So finances aren't great but I do have savings to last a while. He actually took money from his superannuation fund so he could pay for face lasering because I told him I wouldn't pay for it.

I have no one I can talk to about this. That's why I've been all over the internet to find somewhere I can at least vent. Any searches usually point you towards the people and places that are supportive and positive and happy about their trans partner. It's so unfair.

Welcome Chick. You're in an awful position, having found out and with children so young. I'm so sorry you're the earner and under so much pressure anyway. It sounds good you live with family even if they don't know. Sounds like you need to start to think about what you want. Will you want to stay if he transitions? Would you want to separate? Sounds like if so he would need to leave and it wouldn't disrupt your living arrangements? Is he your childcare? Or is it too much at the moment to make any early decisions? If so, do you need to set some ground rules and start to protect your finances, maybe get some legal advice to hold in hand for the future? You don't have to do anything yet, but you could start to.prepare for.your options if you do decide to.ask him to leave. I may be jumping the gun... Also can you tell someone, a friend of relative so that you are not alone with this? Whatever, and sorry to fire questions at you, you've come to the right place. Many of us have been through this and come out the other side so hang on in there.

My baby is 7 months now, and my eldest is 4. I didn't find out that he was talking the hormones until a couple of months ago, he'd been hiding it from me. It really hurt to find out that he'd been doing it while I was pregnant, struggling with mental health because work (bully boss), and the pandemic. Plus he's been unemployed for some time, so he was spending my money on those drugs which I assume aren't legal.

Sorry I'm a lurker; I'm so desperately sad and angry on your behalf themisery. Do you have a small baby? Want an awful thing to have to deal with when you're pregnant and early post partum.

Hi, I'm new here. My partner is trans (mtf) and I've been searching for somewhere like this where I don't have to feel transphobic for struggling and having GC views (which directly came about because of him and the trans brigade).

The basic story is that my partner has started hrt so he can become a woman. He started while I was pregnant with our second son by buying hormones from overseas so that when he went to a transpositive informed consent doctor she'd have to prescribe them due to duty of care. I didn't find this out until later, through a comment he made on reddit to one of the many many trans subs he's joined. 3 years ago he had trans thoughts, but they went away when he was less depressed. Now he's more determined than before to transition, although right now he's way in the closet because we live with my parents.

I'm struggling so hard with this all. My depression has flared pretty badly lately. I feel so stuck and confused and angry and hurt. I'm on a waiting list for therapy so I've no idea how long I'll have to wait.

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy Christmas. For wonderful women on the thread in the UK it's now Christmas Day and I've drunk too much and have just stuffed stockings quite badly . But to all of you wherever you are, Christmas can be really difficult, painful, sad, nostalgic, hard work and lonely as well as.all the nice bits (friends and family who were there for me all year, the wonderful kids that came out of my disastrous marriage) so I hope you're okay. I never cease to be impressed by the humour and intelligence of women here, and our mutual support is something to feel good about. Much love l

Tinsel, I had never seen the Rules of Misogyny before. They are, well, wow, really accurate and depressing. I suspect this one hits home for several of us:

Rule #17. Men are better at performing femininity than women are because they invented it and it gives them a boner.

I've come across this attitude... If only society had been less transphobic, my ex could have transitioned as a teen in the 70s and never married me, so the blame lies there, not with him. My ex certainly had enormous male and class privilege and the ability to own his feelings long ago. He didn't grow up in Uganda or Iraq, or in poverty and had the personal resources NOT to lie and draw in others like me and my kids. We could say as TWs that we support early identification and support for trans people to avoid the creation of more of us. Trouble is most of us are unconvinced by the whole gender ideology and don't see that as the solution to men with fetishes, mental health issues or personal problems. In my job I deal with young people and very rarely come across.one for whom transitioning works, resolves their complex mental health issues, and gives them that happy new life. The vast majority, that staff agree on but can never say out loud, are damaged and/or unwell and remain so despite being granted the transition they think will change everything. As for the middle aged men we ensure, very different motivation dressed-up as the need to change gender. This quote also ignores that, regardless of context, adults shouldn't treat women and children like shit and that should not be condoned.

Yes, that's rather baffling.

Oh Southern, the obsession with weight is such vanity and self-obsession. When my ex left he was most concerned to take the bathroom scales, literally, way above family photos or anything else.
And carrying it all on your own is ironically SO female - whatever the reason, all my similarly middle-aged friends getting divorced are juggling it all and worn out. But we all get to escape in the end, fingers crossed.

@SouthernTW how beyond frustrating! I get the resentful feelings. It totally sucks to have everything be on you no matter how much of relief it will be after that move out date there will be so much other weight to handle as well. The isolation right now doesn’t help either. Sucks so much you are dealing with this.

Very similar here. I hadn’t known about previous clothing. Before we moved in together there was one item but for a man in the 30’s with a very stereotypically bachelor messy rented room I never thought twice as it could have been an exes or a laundry mix up as one roommate was a woman. I would have never guessed had I not walked in on it. Got an unsolicited comment from him early after his announcement about how attractive he is considered in his new circle (eye roll). Granted that anyone can feel being attractive as very important this had been my first experience of it seeming vital to womanhood. Being something valued more in many societies yeah of course have felt that and internalized it like many women have...but never to quite to this extreme. I think I’ve been out loud asked him a few times if he thinks I’m a man. Sometimes my hair is long, sometimes not, sometimes makeup, most times not, weight all over the place, shaving what I want when I choose. None of those choices I ever equates with needing to make the “right” one to keep being a woman.

@socialworker222 I think I’m headed towards deciding on less energy on figuring it out. Early on I tried more but got a lot of twisting of my words and fell time and again into a trap of spinning myself out of control begging to explain myself. Some of that came after finally stating a boundary and his kind of not believing I ever had an discomfort with past things as I didn’t speak up. Like it had never occurred to him that many people (often women) push down their feelings to allow a partner to have free reign to not “rock the boat” or to “be nice” “be accommodating”. Not a good choice in my case but I certainly don’t think it was a rare one especially after reading so many women’s stories.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can be right now.

I am feeling rather resentful today. My son has behavioral issues and has been struggling the last few days. Not that spouse really helps now, but it just felt like an avalanche as I kept confirming to myself how everything will be all on me. It pretty much all is now anyway. But now I'm going to deal with financial uncertainty, all of the chores (the piddly few he does), and all of the emotional fallout when he moves out. And he doesn't even seem to recognize the selfishness of it all.

I want him out, but I am struggling with being ready to be a single mother in fact, instead of just practice.

@SeasideM- What a jackass comment about your size. We are dealing with the same thing here- removal of all hair except for the disgusting untamed mop on top of his head. And the obsession with weight is ridiculous. He started losing weight to get healthy and now it's to get his BMI under 20. I found out there was a period of time in his 20s which he never disclosed to me) where he bought clothes etc. but then gave it up because he didn't like the way he looked and couldn't pass. I asked him why he thought it would be different now and he said because now he will be able to fit into the clothes. [eye rolls]

I'm frankly exhausted by all the processing. I wish my brain would take a day off. Even a few hours.

@mariposita- You definitely belong here if you want to hang with us. I think you are still dealing with many of the same behaviors whether or not your husband has decided to be public about it right now. We are here for you.

@mariposita in my situation he was the same for several years with AGP/cross dressing then escalated to an announcement about transitioning. Even though your situation has not escalated to that point yet if you aren’t comfortable with how things are you may find a lot of support and resources here.

Before things had escalated I do wish I had though about my boundaries and had spoken up for myself. As it was I didn’t speak up that I was not comfortable with many things and just resigned myself to get through. I think I felt like it would equate to shaming rather that just plainly stating they were actions/attractions for me. From here and elsewhere I’ve learned that learning your own boundaries is important and that you are allowed to have boundaries.

@SouthernTW happy to hear you have a date settled!

I’ve pondered the same so very much about his reasoning. Had tried the conversation early on a few times but didn’t get anywhere. I feel the same on what you wrote about with always someone needing a piece of you and the expectations we face. So very clearly put.

Once when I tried to mention how my interests and skills were a mix of things coded as ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ as an attempt to see what he really thought was making him a woman he responded with telling me he’d never judged me for my size. Um ok. Don’t know if that was a jab to just try and be hurtful or expressing that he equates woman with thin therefore to him I’m not woman enough (sorry buddy but I am a woman no matter the scale just how it is). His expression so far is very focused on weight and elimination of all body hair except for long head hair. Nothing outside of appearance and sexual self gratification.

mine's just an AGP/crossdresser and has tons of women's underwear, tights etc. but isn't questioning his gender identity or transitioning. he already nearly went down that route years before I met him but decided the whole thing was a nonsense, but I hate that he has this fetish. I don't know if this is the right place for me.

I bet you are. And you get to decide how much time and energy you want to put into trying to understand him. I never really bought my ex's narrative particularly as he lied a lot, and eventually decided it was pointless. And whatever he said I had ceased to trust him. You will be pensive over and over again. Takes a shedload of processing. But well done you, being decisive and trying a period of separation.