Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Southern how awful for you. Telling our kids was the worst moment for me. I think you will feel better when he actually goes. You've done really well keeping things ticking over and telling your daughter in a planned way.
Hi Fenella, did you just break up with a man who turned out to be a crossdresser/ wants to transition? Sorry if I missed earlier.posts from you. Given you ended it, I hope you feel some relief?
Need to read the article again but agree. I plan to write in and note 'transphobia' isn't what automatically drives the decision to leave...

@TinselAngel read that article and so much she put up with. What got me though was a spot with something like for flesh and blood people it is doubtful that it ever something like the wife finding a dress had been worn or finding women’s clothes that are not their own. Oh really?

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but have, last night, ended a six-month relationship last night.

I feel like a boiled frog and while I had some reservations, I didn't have any idea. painful in all ways.

I just fucking bewildered and so fucking sorry some of you (I suppose it's now us) have lived this. I feel used and dirty and so hurt.

We told the kids tonight that he is moving out on Friday. My poor sweet daughter was inconsolable. I just can't understand how cavalier he is about our children's feelings. I am counting the minutes until he is gone.

That article is heartbreaking. And infuriating. What kind of selfish person does that to a woman who just had a baby, especially after years of infertility?

Yes good morning from the UK, and I hope 2021 is a better year for you all whether you're thinking about your situation, making big decisions and changes, going it alone, or sitting tight with a partner doing this. You're not.on your own

Here's to a better 2021, fellow trans widows!

Nice to see you back Tinsel hope the break did you some good.
Did you actually take a break? I have a feeling you didn't have very long
My ex did bugger all in terms of cooking or housework until the great awakening... At which point he started elaborate baking. It finished me off, as I realized he saw that as women's work, and something he would start doing with great fanfare. It was the last straw, seeing his misogyny laid bare.

Yes the narcissistic abuse cycle includes idealisation, devaluing and discarding repeatedly. Love bombing is part of the idealisation phase.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

Isn't love-bombing the third phase of the cycle of abuse? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse#3:_Reconciliation/honeymoon

@SouthernTW, my ex did the love-bombing thing to me too, in the last months we lived together. Things like doing household chores that he would never do before. I just thought it was rather sad. And it didn't affect my decision to leave at all.

Nice to see you back Tinsel hope the break did you some good. For all you women

We were out of the country for Christmas. Thank God. I couldn't have handled this last holiday at home. But wifi was spotty, so I am catching up with you all now.

@themiserychick- I can't even imagine going through this with children that young. I do think telling your parents or a therapist may lighten your load just a little. This is such a traumatic experience. I completely relate to the what will I tell people question. I am just filled with shame and embarrassment.

Spouse's moveout date is approaching and we are going to tell the kids this weekend. It was nice to be gone, but it messed with my head. There was a lot of lovebombing going on. Spouse was exceptionally affectionate and kept up with the "you don't know how hard this is for me" and "I just want to be married to you" nonsense. And his piss poor parenting was very much at the forefront this past week. He didn't even go to Christmas breakfast with us because he was fasting and going to the gym. His last Christmas morning with his kids (because our separation agreement gives me every Christmas) and he couldn't even sit at the same table at the same time even if he wasn't going to eat.

@TinselAngel- I struggle with the SSN approach and really don't think trans widows' issues are in the same wheelhouse as straight spouses anyway.

@TinselAngel I've had issues with anxiety since I was in primary school from bullying, and depression since high school, so it's not entirely because of this particular trauma. This whole situation has made it worse lately though. I have anxiety about confrontation, of telling people, of coping on my own, dealing with him and trans stuff, having to start working full time again... The list seems endless sometimes. I'm not on antidepressants at the moment, I believe that this current depression is completely situational and won't be helped with them. It's this, plus the bullying from work, plus the pandemic, and everything else that's weighing me down.

Thanks everyone, I know I need to get going, I'm just having trouble starting. My finances are my own and he has no access to them. I have money and he doesn't. We are not married, you can thank my eldest for that. FYI I am Australian, so no NHS here, we have Medicare instead. Hopefully I'll be processed quickly in the new year, my partner is having the same issue with therapy.

I kind of have a plan, but of course anxiety gets in the way. Will start looking for work again in the new year, but I dread having to go back to childcare work, because that's what I'm qualified for.

TinselAngel. I'm doing well, better than a few years ago. Hope you are doing okay as well.

themiserychick That stuck feeling can paralyse you and become overwhelming. It can become difficult to sort out priorities.

What you will tell other people is the least of your worries. Its not your problem. You can make up a stock answer. 'Its so sad but we are just moving apart.''

Getting back to work is more important. It doesnt have to be the same job - but get out of the house and spend time in a culture that isn't about his transition and what the future brings. That and having an independant income will help you break out of the rut.

themiserychic Please, are there any online therapists you can access. There are some NHS trusts that offer this service free. Other than that is there any family or friend you can talk to in absolute confidence.
I know the shame and fear you feel, but it's his closet, not yours. It's his thing/mental issue/shame NOT YOURS.
You don't have to say about the details, you could start by saying it's a sex lifestyle issue that isn't compatible with your needs and wants and is damaging you and interfering with family life.

I would advise that thinking about separating at this point can be too overwhelming, so you don't have to think that far into the future.

I would also try and take some deep breaths, taking the emotion out of things (more easy said than done). Then practice saying what you want in the partnership then taking him somewhere quiet and be absolutely honest about what you want from him as a life partner and what you cannot tolerate.
Let him know that if he carries on as he is there is a high chance your partnership will not survive because you both want such different things.

Most importantly of all talk to your Bank TODAY. Get your finances away from him now, this second, without delay.

You will survive this whatever happens. Don't think to much of the future, think about today and one thing at a time.

I'm so sorry themisery, you're carrying so much on your shoulders and I can't imagine how you felt when you found out. It's hard enough with two small children and bully bosses.

You've found the right place here. Many wise women. Sending many hugs