Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

Hello, could someone check the old thread please? A woman called Naomi has posted there, and been directed to this thread, but I don't think she's made it over, and I don't want her to think she's being ignored. Thank you.

Congratulations Southern. It's such a turning-point for you, even though the road ahead is tough going. I'm so glad you got your home for you, and can hopefully breathe again.

@SouthernTW, congratulations on getting through the move. It is a huge step forward and very much the start of you creating a new life for yourself.

Though, please just brace yourself for this... my ex promised the "You'll always be the only Mom to our kids" and of course that didn't last. Just one of many outright lies and gaslighting nonsense.

I know, right? Keeping up the fantasy must be a full time job and a half.

I found photos on his phone of similar things. At 47 and 6'5", dude is not ever going to look like that anyway.

My ex is about the same age and the same size, and he had a massive crisis when he realised he was never going to look small and cute in schoolgirl outfits.

Well, he's moved out. And boy what a pile of mess he left behind. That I am having to clean up. But some friends came and helped me set up my new furniture today and I love it. I can't even describe how relieved I feel, like an enormous stone has been removed from my back. Time for a new life.

@TinselAngel- That also wouldn't surprise me. Good thing I have 100% legal custody now.

Yes, it's very much like an addiction. I would even argue that is is an addiction.

@themiserychick- that is gross. I found photos on his phone of similar things. At 47 and 6'5", dude is not ever going to look like that anyway.

I think a lot of it stems from porn addiction, especially with the older mid-life crisis variety of transwoman. My partner fantasies about being a cute, hot, super fit girl, with perfect boobs and a "hot pussy" . Something I'm pretty sure he knows he'll never achieve, but he still stares at and posts pictures online of "transition goals". It's pretty gross. Kind of teenager like, in that I gave up being jealous of other women's bodies 20 years ago.

I'm not in your situation but went through a similar sort of hell in my family of origin with a dad who lied and emotionally abused my mum. So I greatly admire all of your strength and can completely understand how this must be traumatising for your children.

What really struck me reading the last few pages was how much your husbands and partners sound like addicts.

Same here with the mom title. DC still uses dad and I use it as well and avoid pronouns. I have specifically stated that I am not comfortable with a change to any variation of mom. He’s said that he wants to have DC call him by the new first name (that was selected over a decade before we met apparently yet at the same time he had no idea at all so yeah actions speaking louder than words) at some point.

@SouthernTW with all we are learning about trauma I can’t see how that counselor is thinking this is not traumatic for the kids. My heart goes out to them and to you as you help them through this on top of everything else you would normally be doing without all this extra. Ugh and having to deal with all the physical stuff he is just ditching at your home at well.

It may be more grief to work through or just frustration of not being to the other side of this situation yet but I feel I’m spiraling into the anger over this again. Not good for me so going to see what I can do to ground myself.

SouthernTW, thank you for reassuring me. I was concerned for you. (Well, I still am, but you are strong and you will beat this thing, I'm sure of it. You just don't need any extra crap.)

Mine don't know about the "transition" yet. Part of me thinks he still may not go through with it. Honestly, I think he's going to have a mental breakdown in a few weeks. But yes, when he starts that direction it's going to be even worse for these kids. I already feel it would be better if he died instead of this.

There will be no usurping the title of Mom in this family. I have made that clear. And I have already told him not to expect me to call him anything else but he and his current name. He doesn't even really want to see the kids much, so that's a blessing. Although they don't understand that right now. And his stupid therapist who thinks this isn't traumatizing to children.

Others will be here in the house as he moves, so I'm not worried about him taking things he shouldn't. In fact, it's just the opposite. He's leaving all kinds of his crap that I'm going to have to sort through because he no longer wants it.

I'm so tired and struggling to get done the work I need for starting classes next week.

The Mum thing is really hard. Just stand your ground. If you're that gender-free and easy, you can surely be a Dad and wear a dress? Luckily I've never had that demand. If I did, I'd still call him Dad (but then I still call him 'him' so am Satan in human form) and ultimately your kids will choose what they call him to his face, and when he's not around. Hard for younger children who are told two different sets of terminology, but they'll work out where they stand. Mine remain unconvinced that their father is a woman regardless of my views (which I keep to myself on the whole).

I'm terrified of having to deal with the fallout of him socially transitioning. What to tell the boys, how it'll affect them. (I keep thinking about Chandler from Friends and how it screwed him up). He's desperate to be called mum, but that's a hard, hard line I will not let him cross. I'm the mother, not him and he never will be. I don't understand why they think they can be or should be.

I am slightly worried about the moving day: is it certain that the departing person won't decide to take things which do not belong to them? If there is someone who'd be prepared to keep an eye on them, it might be a good plan. Or if there are lockable doors, locking the rooms which have nothing of theirs in them, maybe?

It is so hard on the kids. So glad Southern that yours have you to help them and that you won’t be there for the moving day. Mine is asking if they have two moms and I explain that no you have one mom and one dad even though yes some kids do have two moms. ‘But dad is a girl’...and I want so bad to scream he most certainly is not. So I just reinforce that he has a mom and a dad. I am mom and if it would feel easier to say they have two parents that is fine. Meanwhile dad’s costume while more age appropriate is looking more and more like a costume of me.

Upsettingly, mine says it would have been easier if Dad had died. I privately agree entirely. There would have been absolute clarity, room to grieve the loss (which is entirely forbidden it seems, everyone just has to get on board, wave the rainbow flag and celebrate), and a preserved memory of a good parent who has gone.
Instead mine have him being here-but-not-here, no permission, place or support to grieve, and a complex memory of someone remote who was loved, but who then behaved badly.

The disregard for children's needs in these stories is very much hidden from public view. One of my children describes being left in limbo, not accepting or wanting to know the made-up 'new' person, and unable to access the father they knew. I can't imagine how that feels for children or teenagers. It's bewildering enough for a grown woman.

It's been a rough few days. But one kid seems to be doing ok. Spouse has a poor relationship with him anyway. The other is struggling. She has remarked that he is leaving and not spending any time with her. I hate that I can't fix that. I just keep validating her feelings.

We will be gone when the movers come to take his things on Friday. I am actually doing better than I was because I am now in mama bear mode. I'm circling the wagons and protecting my kids. He needs to take his self-focused self and get gone.

Southern, I hope you and your kids are doing okay. This also was a difficult point for my kids, but long term, it has worked out for the best.

@SouthernTW so sorry it has hit your daughter so hard. Hope the new year brings improvements with him out of the house. The selfishness is unreal at times.