Help me talk to my DD13

How do we get here.
Ubiquitous online porn is bad enough but
when we have magazines in WHSmith aimed at 13 yr old girls and above giving advice on how to do anal sex, it's hardly surprising many girls fold to the pressure.

@FemaleAndLearning makes a good point.

The only reason I can see for him not wanting her parents to know, is because he doesn't want them asking awkward questions like why?

He is giving her enough rope to choose to go further with him following his pressure on her and he knows that you wouldn't be happy if you knew the true circumstances under which she chose to do so. He knows what he is doing and he knows that decent parents will see straight through it to what it is.

Your DD may unfortunately mistake his interest as being as genuine as hers, rather than him simply wanting anyone to have sex with. She is worth more than that and he knows it.

I think in that age group there can be very different social expectations among different groups of kids. My friend group at that age was not into that sort of stuff at all. My sister however lived in a different area and was at a different school, and there was all kinds of sexual activity there. Partly I suspect because it was rural and there were fewer kids, so the friend group tended to include teens of a lot of different ages.

The point being that she at that age thought that was totally normal, and that every school was like that. It could well be that in the school of the OPs daughter its been normalised as well, sometimes it's just down to the particular kids or culture of the school. Teachers are often reluctant to tell young people in a straightforward way that they shouldn't be having sex.

While the young man involved is being inappropriate, honestly, I'm not totally surprised given his age. A lot of boys are not as mature as girls at 13 and aren't going to be all that insightful about their own behaviour, especially if no one has really talked to them about how to behave, and if a lot of kids are experimenting sexually. Many 13 year olds will try to manipulate their parents and siblings in other scenarios, it's not abnormal behaviour at that and and many will grow out of it.

I'd e wondering f the school, when things go back to some sort of ormalcy, shouldn't be addressing what's going on with the kids as a group.

Lots of good replies on the wanking, but what I also find strange is that he told her not to tell you they had split until they were certain. Why? Dies he not want her talking to you about their relationship at all? Sounds like there is a lot going on with this boy.

I think you are doing the right thing, but I would be tempted to fess up, as they say.

If she didn't delete the messages and knows that you check her phone, maybe them being there is a signal that this is something that she doesn't know how to handle. Maybe she wants you to say no so that she doesn't have to?

This is a tricky age group. They are finding out who they are and how they fit in to peer groups. I have had to do a lot of work with my DD, now 14.5. I have to accept that she is exploring her sexuality, but also arm her to protect herself. She has had her first kiss, the person then "airing" her. She was hurt and scared, but now knows that she deserves better.

I have spent time with her discussing various scenarios and what is reasonable and unreasonable. I am hoping that she can see her value and their tricks.

We change it by addressing it when it happens. Not by leaving a 13 year old child to deal with being blackmailed into wanking people off on their own. It really shouldn’t be that hard to track this boy down. I know he’s young himself, but he’s still emotionally blackmailing little girls into performing sex acts on him. That’s not fucking normal at any age, I’d be considering the police, let alone just his parents and the school. I know you could argue that girls need to learn to deal with it, and you should obviously teach them to a certain extent. But there needs to be some consideration for her age though. If your 10 year old came home and said a boy asked her to wank them off, would you do nothing but make up daft analogies and scenarios where you encourage her to just say no? 13 to me is still well too young to be dealing with this shit. And this boy sounds like he could do someone some serious damage one day, that’s if he hasn’t already. Someone needs to step in

@Andi2020 its pretty fucking worrying that he's telling your DD that boys prefer girls who haven't been with other boys - that's some fucked up purity bullshit. Virginity is a madeup concept and has nothing to do with a person's worth, please tell her that.

OP sorry for the derail, i think you've handled this perfectly.

Girls were at varying levels of sexual activity when we were 14, op DD is nearly 14 and yes it's very young and yes I'd be horrified if it were one of my DDs but, this is nothing new is it. Not the age and not the coercion.

How do we change this, when the problem lies in male behaviour and there seems to be little appetite in society to confront it.

I’m literally horrified at your calm response and some of these replies op. I guess I’m in the minority. My dd is 13 in 5 days, if I found messages on her phone from a boy trying to coerce her into ‘wanking him off’, there’d be fucking hell to pay. I admit my dd is a bit naive for her age, she has absolutely no interest in boys whatsoever and is still a couple years at least from getting a boyfriend. But your dd’s 13 ffs and this boy sounds like a sex pest. I’d have been straight round his house to speak to his parents, not only to protect my dd but so they can intervene in his behaviour. I’d probably take her phone off her aswell rather than have her exposed to boys trying to get her to touch their cocks when she’s years away from being even legal. Words fail me about how much you’re pussyfooting around this

Maybe I'm very naive but I'm shocked that a 13 year old would have to think about seeing or touching an erect penis, even of a boy her own age. Bless her for having to think about this and feick him for pressurising her in this way. I'd want to rip his nuts off, frankly.
I am rubbish at the whole indirect subterfuge thing and a terrible liar, so I personally would go in saying "you know I don't look at your phone very often because I trust you, but you also know that I do sometimes check because I'm concerned about some of the chats you might get sucked into in various groups. Well, I have to confess that when I was having a quick scroll through your phone, I did find something that concerned me, and I'm really sorry because this is going to be cringey for both of us, but we do need to have a bit of a chat about it." And just dive in if she seems not too angry about the fact I've snooped.
Good luck OP, hope you're able to find a way to discuss it and help her see he's a little shite and not worthy of a second thought.

I think a real element of this is their age, and I'm not sure it's a good idea to avoid that being part of the conversation. If they were 25 year olds, obviously the question of being sexually active together would be reasonable for them discuss, and if they had really different views, they might not be a good match.

14 year olds OTOH are not legally supposed to be having sex, for very good reasons. Sometimes this is glossed over a bit in sex ed, it's all about "when you are ready" and so forth. But that tends to put the conversation they are having on the same footing as the 25 year olds having it, where it clearly doesn't belong.

Nothing changes does it.

The boys were like this 30 years ago. Same same same.

The advice around warning about manipulation, fine to say no etc is all great but the issue here is the boys. That they have probably always done this and I can't see an end to it. And that's because boys and men in general condone it, really. And if anything goes wrong it's the girl who gets blamed.

Here is link to Sex Education
www.netflix.com/title/80197526

“if he goes to the same school I would let them know he is being sexually coercive towards your DD just to put him on their radar.”

I would not do that. That’s using a flame thrower when all you need is a fly swatter. The fallout would be immense. School people knowing her DDs relationship details and interrogating her DD, parents meetings with school officials. Too traumatic when OP can effectively parent her DD to manage emotional blackmail which is so common it’s an occupational hazard just to be alive.

Sex Education on Netflix is a good series. It follows sixth former main characters as they grapple with sex and relationships. 13 is on the cusp, but as your DD has already had a bf and is being pressured into sexual activity, she is probably mentally mature enough to watch the series. Preview it yourself to be sure it aligns with you values.

Where do they "hang out" and where on earth would this wanking off have taken place? In the bushes? How romantic, I mean who could resist his charm? Vile little shit.

The police would advise you to be monitoring communication on a teenagers phone. 15 Kayleigh was groomed and murdered over a very short space of time. It is terrifying to think what she must have endured.

Re the boy, if he goes to the same school I would let them know he is being sexually coercive towards your DD just to put him on their radar.

I have two teen sons but I think I would just sit them both down (your children) and talk to them honestly about this sort of stuff. I would probably start with being sensible online, especially now school has closed and people will be messaging more and potentially accessing more stuff on the internet.

Then I would state the fact that you should never write what you don't want to be shown on the screen at the front of the school assembly in front of the school and the teachers. That nothing is private if it is written down, you can deny verbal you cannot deny messages.

I would lead onto sharing images of yourself and how it is illegal under the age of 18 and then move into the don't ever be swayed by the "if you loved me you would do this" because that isn't love that is emotional blackmail.

Tell them that you love them both so much and would never want them to ever be with someone who would be like this toward them.

How awful. But I suspect her experience is not unusual, judging by what I hear from my teens about what goes on (some of it caught on Instagram etc.).

I have teenagers of both sexes and from an early stage have tried to have regular conversations about relationships and sex. I have worked hard to find ways to draw the conversation round to these issues and work in some sort of casual message about appropriate behaviour.

Identifying a film you could watch together which gave you a jumping off point is a good idea. Sometimes I look up from my computer when they are with me and mention an article I've read online and use that as a way of starting the conversation.

If I was you I would not reveal my snooping. Better to have a chat and see what information she offers up and take it from there. What matters most is that you convey your view of what is not acceptable in a relationship between young people of her age.

Good luck!

Shes too good for a boy like that.
I would tell her I seen it.
Tell her to tell him to go wank himself.
Boys have far more respect for girls that say NO.
I have 2 dd dd1 is 16 has had a few bfs never done more than kissing says shes not ready and they agree they aren't either and say they like girls more that haven't been intimate with another boy.
Dd2 is 15 no bfs yet but has kissed a few.

Perhaps you could raise the issue of having PIV sex and the way some boys put pressure on, saying if you love me you'd do it, etc. Then you don't need to mention hand jobs or this particular boy but your DD will make the link herself.

The cup of tea video is very good for both sexes.

Is there a tv show or film you can watch with a comparable situation? So you can then discuss the 'characters' and how the boy is acting and girl is feeling?

Your relationship= mother daughter relationship.

She’s old enough for you to speak to her about the subject directly.
Id start generally in talking about emotional blackmail and how anyone you love can use that love to pressure you into doing things you are not comfortable doing. To a certain extent this is very common because it’s not the asking but subtext of “do it for me” or “if you loved me, then you would/would not do x”.
But it’s important to be able to identify emotional blackmail and feel justified saying no without feeling guilt. You can have a frank talk with her about how this applies to your relationship, how it applied in past relationships between yourself and boyfriends, how it applies between siblings. Your DD then may share what’s been going on.