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Original poster

Male desire/ sexual rights

210 replies

onlydigestivesinthetin · 20/04/2020 10:30

I stumbled across this piece in the Guardian over the weekend: older man bemoaning the fact that his wife no longer wants sex with him, with the implication that this either 'forces' him to have affairs or he will have to leave her in order to have what he sees as his right to a sex life.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/apr/18/my-life-in-sex-my-wife-wants-a-desire-free-old-age-but-i-still-see-her-as-my-sexual-partner

The article and most of the responses reminded me of the judge who declared that it was a husband's fundamental right to have sex with his wife:

www.theguardian.com/law/2019/apr/03/english-judge-says-man-having-sex-with-wife-is-fundamental-human-right

And then of various articles about men rating brothels and the women they abuse in them:

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/disturbing-sex-work-website-men-20574557

And it made me think of all the autogynophiles abandoning their wives and children to pursue their sexual kink who may, oddly enough, never have sex with anyone else again in their pursuit to make themselves into the object of their desire.

I know this is just feminism 101 – that we live in a society based around testosterone, where the male sexual urge is regarded as sacrosanct and women are still expected to service their male partners' sexual needs. And yes, I fully expect a few women to respond this that they love sex and are always ready for it, any time, any where. But what about the millions of us who can't say that?

I've looked through the Guardian seeking a response that doesn't basically affirm a man's right to have sex and can see very few. There are a couple of clearly feminist responses early on, but after that everyone politely acknowledges that a man has his urges and he needs to express them with another human being. Is the Guardian weeding out anyone who says that sex isn't a human right or is this an indication that the majority of people accept the fundamental right of men to have sex somehow, some way, with anyone they can?

What would you, women of Mumsnet feminism chat, say to the man in the Guardian?

OP posts:
JellySlice · 20/04/2020 11:08

Everyone has the right to sex with a willing partner.

If the partner is unwilling, then the relationship may need to be reassessed. But if a sex-seeking person has made a commitment to their sex-averse partner to have an exclusive relationship with them, that reassessment does not give them the right to seek sex elsewhere.

NamechangeOnceMore · 20/04/2020 11:06

I think a partner of either sex is perfectly entitled to decide they don't want to stay in a sexless relationship, and leave that relationship.

I'm a woman. My XH unilaterally ended our sex life and refused to talk about why or attend counselling. I told him I planned to start seeing other people, and then shortly after I ended the marriage. I don't think I was massively unreasonable.

Original poster
onlydigestivesinthetin · 20/04/2020 10:56

Mymomsbetterthanyourmom – who's mentioned hating men?

OP posts:
Original poster
onlydigestivesinthetin · 20/04/2020 10:54

Deydo, I'm sure there are. I was thinking about this issue specifically from a feminist perspective which is why I posted here.

OP posts:
Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 20/04/2020 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
onlydigestivesinthetin · 20/04/2020 10:46

Yes, of course you can, and I've known lesbians blame lesbian-bed-death for the end of their relationship. But from what I understand that tends to happen fairly early on in lesbian relationships, not after 30 years.

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/04/2020 10:45

His wife has the right not to want/have sex, and he has the right not to live in a sexless marriage.
The Relationship board is full of these dilemmas and they advice is always the same.
Affairs or prostitutes shouldn't be the answer though.

5zeds · 20/04/2020 10:39

You can choose not to live in a sexless relationship regardless of what sex you are.

Original poster
onlydigestivesinthetin · 20/04/2020 10:38

You have every right to want and attempt to have sex

Would that include with other people when you've been married to a woman you say you love for many years and you'd like to stay with her if only she'd have sex with you?

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 20/04/2020 10:35

Sexual urges are like feelings. They are a natural part of being human, everyone has them and everyone is entitled to have them. But that doesn’t meant that you can take them out on someone else. You can’t demand that other people love you, you can’t demand that other people respect you and in the same vein you can’t demand that someone has sex with you. You have every right to want and attempt to have sex (in the same way that we are all right to want to find someone to love and actively go about trying to do so) but you have no right to expect it. If you choose to be arsehole in your pursuit of sex well then that’s a reflection of your character, not the strength of your needs.