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Original poster

Think divorce is inevitable - opinions please

57 replies

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:16

Like everyone else I am currently locked down and my partner's anger (he has a diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder) is becoming more and more worrying. He is a Jekyll and Hyde type who can appear calm and not exactly happy, because he is never by his own admission happy, before exploding with rage at something he perceives me to have done. I have not usually done anything or, if I have, I've not done it knowingly.

He is currently under a psychiatrist but I have found out that he is binge watching (him, not the psychiatrist as far as I know!!) MGTOW/MRA/Red Pill videos which degrade women including single mothers, 'old women' in their 30s, 40s and 50s, 'entitled women', 'gold diggers' and any other offensive and abusive trope you can think of.

He is claiming that the world is run by women and that men like him who are completely innocent are their victims. I am obviously included in this peculiar and objectively untrue world he's currently inhabiting and he has provided 'stats' to 'prove' to me that women are the violent sex.

I think he's completely lost the plot but he's still on his medication as far as I am aware -I don't monitor it. I have to confess to taking a sneaky look at his phone when he left it on the table and I can see that he is looking at dating sites and on RightMove for flats to buy in the city in which he works.

So, I guess I'm just here for tea and sympathy and reassurance that lockdown will be over at some point so that I can file for divorce. Thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 13/04/2020 20:24

If your you and your daughter have a code word for her to call 999. You are too scared to speak to him and you’re planning on getting a bolt for the door may I suggest you leave now. What are you waiting for?

BlackForestCake · 13/04/2020 20:17

I once forced a bolted bathroom door

We're not talking about a titchy little privacy bolt like the kind on bathroom doors though are we? Hopefully.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2020 20:09

Your daughter is in an annexe of your house? Sorry, but that's just way too close! Is there somewhere both of you could go? Other family? Your daughter's fiance's family? These are extraordinary circumstances we are living in now, and I fear that they may be affecting your husband's mental health in a way it hasn't been before .

Justhadathought · 13/04/2020 19:02

Sorry , see your daughter is living in attached accommodation. I feel feel really anxious for both of you. Feel you both need to remove yourselves from the situation ASAP - even if just a short term move initially.

Justhadathought · 13/04/2020 18:58

I would leave, today, and I am generally pretty conservative in my advice. Go stay with family or friends if you can

Me too! Get out ASAP.

You don't say if you have children?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 13/04/2020 18:41

If it was me I'd be getting a lot further away than an attached granny flat, Worried. I'm also not sure that the police can be trusted to turn up in a timely manner. Is there anywhere else both you and your daughter could go? The way he was muttering about her I'm not convinced she's safe there either. As others said earlier, his behavior reads to me like he's working himself up to an attack.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 13/04/2020 18:35

Now is not the time to start minimising his behavior, I know its scary but trust your gut. You're at an age where you should be Able to enjoy life on your terms and not have to tiptoe around his mood swings.

Original poster
WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 18:22

Thank you. I don't think he really will break in so the bolt is probably over the top if I'm truthful but I think I would feel that we were both safer with it in place anyway. I am probably painting the situation a lot bleaker than it actually is but I do feel very stressed by his behaviour and lockdown seems to be magnifying it. The MGTOW stuff is a new departure certainly as far as I can tell. He's alluded to it slightly in the past but never gone on and on about it for hours. I shall do my very best to stay safe because I'm feeling pretty angry now and feel that he doesn't have any right to treat me like this.

OP posts:
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/04/2020 18:20

we're hoping to find a bolt to put on the inside of the door

I once forced a bolted bathroom door to get to a friend who had locked herself to self-harm. You need better security than one bolt: several bolts will slow him down whilst you call the police.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/04/2020 18:17

Could you and your daughter both leave to somewhere safer? He could break into the granny flat or attack you on your way to and from the shops.

Original poster
WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 18:14

OhHolyJesus, we're hoping to find a bolt to put on the inside of the door of my daughter's flat when he's out at work tomorrow. I think we'll feel safer then if I need to shelter in there. Basically he's a coward and he wouldn't be behaving as badly as this if daughter's fiancé was here with her. Unfortunately he works away and even though he's not working at the moment he's having to stay in another part of the country because that's where he was when the lockdown began.

I feel shattered now. I think there's only so much worry and aggression I can take. As soon as it starts to get dark I'm going to make my excuses and head for bed. I no longer sleep in the same room as him thank goodness. I'm so glad that I had a horrible menopause and he couldn't sleep through my night sweats!!!

Thanks again to you all. I really do appreciate your kindness and so does my daughter who is reading the thread too Flowers

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 13/04/2020 16:57

Can I ask OP if the granny flat will be a safe space for you and your daughter? It sounds so close by, a degree of separation I suppose but still part of the same property and one he could come into?

Original poster
WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 16:50

Thank you everyone. Too many kind people to name individually now but I really appreciate your support. I keep veering between thinking I'm being a wuss and wondering what will happen when he finally comes back inside the house. My daughter actually lives in a little granny flat attached to the house and I am moving my things in there gradually so that he doesn't notice.

He's just come in and walked past me with a face like thunder (nothing unusual there) and said that he thought our daughter would have come out and helped him in the garden but 'she's obviously not interested'. Once again all he can do is blame someone else for his shitty behaviour. She heard him shouting at me this morning and daren't come into the kitchen (she has her own tiny kitchen) so why on earth would she want to help him do anything? I am beginning to despise him as much as he evidently despises me. I have denied that I'm in an abusive relationship for years but I am aren't I? I feel so angry and then sad and then scared and keep cycling round all these emotions. I will update later but thank you all once again. It's nice to know that I am not alone X

OP posts:
Goosefoot · 13/04/2020 16:47

I would leave, today, and I am generally pretty conservative in my advice. Go stay with family or friends if you can. Whatever is behind his condition it's clearly ramping up. I wouldn't worry about whether it technically follows the rules to leave yet or not. It's not safe or healthy for you to be there and it's not going to be any good for him either becomes violent.

Boswello · 13/04/2020 16:45

Leave. Don't become a statistic. Just go and sort it all out from afar.

I0NA · 13/04/2020 16:28

You don’t have to wait untit he’s violent to you to prove that it’s abuse.

OhHolyJesus · 13/04/2020 16:27

Another message of support and of hope that you can leave ASAP. No need to wait to see if it gets worse, just go. The rest can be worked out later. Whether he would actually hurt you or not doesn't matter, you don't need to wait to be proven right, just get to safety and please let us know you are ok.

Oly4 · 13/04/2020 16:20

I wouldn’t wait for this to escalate or for him to hurt you, he sounds potentially psychotic. I wouldn’t contact his psychiatrist either, I’d be contacting the police or just leaving him. Can you go and live with your daughter? Permitted under lockdown if you are worried

Geepipe · 13/04/2020 16:18

Op please leave as soon as possible. You can't continue to stay waiting for what he does next. You say he has a phsychiatrist so he already has deep rooted and probably severe mental health issues and everything he has said to you is very very concerning. If he is in the garden can you sneakily pack a bag and leave through the front door. Everything else can be arranged and sorted after lockdown but right now your life is the priority.

MedusasButterDish · 13/04/2020 16:17

(Sorry, forgot to add Flowers. Seeking out snd accumulating material to devalue you is nasty even if it's not dangerous. Sad)

Noooblerooble · 13/04/2020 16:15

Safety first. Please write to his psychiatrist but only if you feel that will not put you at more risk of harm. So sorry you're dealing with this.

YinuCeatleAyru · 13/04/2020 16:15

I think you should make plans to get out of there sooner rather than later. I agree it is inevitable, and it is far better to move out a day "too early" while you are still safe, than to make plans to leave and not trigger them until after he has started getting violent. It is legal and safe to move during lockdown so long as you are moving into a property that has been completely empty for long enough (virus cells are not thought to be able to last longer than a few days on surfaces)

MedusasButterDish · 13/04/2020 16:15

gov.uk/domestic-abuse

RandomMess · 13/04/2020 16:05

Contact your local police domestic violence unit and explain the situation to them so they can put markers on your house and phone number, the team (or equivalent in your area) don't just deal with DV.

Original poster
WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:57

Thanks Lizzie. I'm still not sure if he's a danger to me or not so I'm trying not to overreact but I am staying very alert in case he does anything weird. He seems to be laying slabs now and has been working like fury in the garden since his last outburst at me this morning. I was wondering if I could contact his psychiatrist tomorrow but that probably breaches patient confidentiality I guess? I have written an email to send to him (psychiatrist) but I'm wavering about pressing 'send'.

OP posts: