Am I prejudiced?

Cappachugeuchu99, I hope you have safely reached a proper women's service and are getting the help you need.

I am still shaking with rage that a self-entitled man put himself in your way when you phoned the so-called women's refuge. No one can tell me he had any purpose but his own gratification.

Please, please don't feel you are at fault in any way. Just take care of yourself and keep away from people who gaslight you. Sending you love and good wishes.

Various agencies have become involved. I was advised to contact our local women's refuge for support.... I'm very surprised that a helpline for women is not being manned by a woman. What on earth is going on and where do I go now?

The important thing is that you can access the right support OP.

You poor thing. You are not prejudiced at all. The facts are a man answered the phone under the guise of being a woman. No one ever in this situation would be comfortable with that.

The people who validated this ‘Sarah’ are also to blame. How fucking dare they gaslight us and ‘Sarah’. ‘Sarah’ will never be happy because no one at all believes they are a woman. And if they say they do, they are abusive liars.

In case my earlier post made it sound like you should complain, I really dont think this is the priority now.

You should focus on whatever helps you at this time. Whether coming here to share or using any of the contacts listed. (was pleased to see that the Women's Aid search for local services does have the option to search for women only services)

I do hope you are getting support.

When and if, even if it is a year later you can think about writing to the Management Committee or whoever.

Or even writing a post here. With a title saying something like "how hearing a male voice on a domestic support helpline stopped me from asking for help" you will find it will get widely shared.

I often see on facebook women sharing info that has been posted on mumsnet to alert others to an issue.

The only reason to be writing anything now is if you are someone who finds writing things down helps you deal with what is happening to you.

I'm so conflict averse at the moment there's no way I'd sent a letter.

This is completely natural.

Take care of your primary needs first.
Its important that you are the priority.

Surely an ally starts by saying ‘how can I best help?’ not ‘I want to do XYZ and if you don’t let me I’m gonna sue’?

Male allies” can “dedicate themselves to helping vulnerable women” in many other ways — donating money, fundraising, providing professional services free of charge, etc. Muscling into the centre of a service, answering the phone to a woman traumatised by men FFS, that’s not helping. That’s using women for self-validation.

Entirely agree.

Its clear that Sarah is putting their own personal validation desires above the needs of a traumatised woman; and that alone speaks a thousand volumes as to why they should be nowhere near that helpline.

This, 100%.

“Male allies” can “dedicate themselves to helping vulnerable women” in many other ways — donating money, fundraising, providing professional services free of charge, etc. Muscling into the centre of a service, answering the phone to a woman traumatised by men FFS, that’s not helping. That’s using women for self-validation.

OP, your reaction is totally understandable even to most men.

Many times in my life, I have to had to seek emotional and mental health support. At such times, the absolutely priority is that the service user is made to feel safe and protected. When you are not made to feel safe - as happened to me twice, both with male therapists - the feelings of vulnerability and exposure can actually be amplified rather than relieved.

Another point is that it can be simply confusing for anyone at anytime to have to deal with a new person presenting themselves as a different sex to that indicated by their voice or appearance. Even in a day-to-day interaction in a cafe or a shop, this can throw you. There is no way that vulnerable service-users should be expected to negotiate this extra barrier.

Would you consider using an advocate to send a letter OP?
Maybe Karen Ingala Smith or one of her associates/the nia organisation, given her close ties with domestic abuse?

It's another of the double nelsons isn't it?

The air safety analogy can be helpful:
'In the event of an emergency, first put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help others'

Letters of complaint/concern can both be thought about & (if wished) sent at a later date.

I would personally put it in writing so they understand how you felt.

It's another of the double nelsons isn't it? How many females in really difficult, distressing circumstances feel able to write letters on top of deal with their situation? Is that really something any DV provision thinks their service users should have to do? (Although baffling any DV provision doesn't prioritise their service users accessing their service).

And if they do write they're running the risk of being scolded or worse. And if they don't then it's held up as an indicator that female people are fine with male people in these roles because look, no complaints.

I am so sorry this happened. It is wrong you have been made to feel bad about a natural response. This is unacceptable for a service meant for traumatised women. I would personally put it in writing so they understand how you felt.

Scrimpshaw
I know how powerful Jessica Taylor's words & wishes in that letter can be for women & girls at very difficult times.

Raging for you, OP. Due to past events I carefully construct my life to avoid certain situations with males. Is it fuck prejudice. Prejudice is what is shown by men who abuse women and trample on their boundaries. Their prejudice is that women are lesser humans. Fit to be props, supports, vessels, holes, objects on which to play out their fantasies of sex and violence and control.

I really hope you are able to find the help you need

Thank you, Rowantrees, for the powerful letter from Jessica.

I'm so sorry you're in a situation of having to reach for this support, OP, and so sorry too that when you'd gathered the courage to access it which is never easy, you got caught up in other people's politics in the way of the help they're supposed to provide.

There are those determined to deny that there are any situations in which female people should be allowed to want or have the help of only other females. It's a male supremacist mission to insert males anywhere they want to be for their own emotional needs, regardless of the impact on females, and it's revolting. People like 'Sarah' shouldn't be in these roles and on the phones, and that they are makes clear they're pushing their own needs and agenda above any in depth knowledge or interest in the vulnerable females they are employed to help in the first place.

That females now need to be fearful of accusations of bigotry when they try to get help is even more revolting. And again, led by males for the interests of males.

Cappachuchu
There's plenty of really good support out there.
Trust yourself & find what you need. This is about your safety & wellbeing & you matter.

(above post re the name Sarah from Wiki)

Sarah is a Hebrew and Arabic feminine given name found in many different areas of the world. Sarah is a consistently popular given name across Europe and North America, as well as in the Middle East—being commonly used as a female first name by Jews, Christians and Muslims alike, and remaining popular also among non-religious members of cultures influenced by these religions.

Frequently, the name refers to Sarah, the wife of Abraham in the Hebrew Bible, the Christian Old Testament, and the Islamic Quran. In Arabic, Hebrew, and Persian, it means woman of high rank, often simply translated as "Princess". In Modern Hebrew, "sarah" (שרה) is the word for "woman minister".

I think PlanDeRaccordement has short circuited with such an ill judged post.

"This is someone who has specifically sought out a job at a woman's refuge and abuse helpline" This!

At best your well being is not their priority. The worst can be much worse.

*It was prejudiced to assume that only women are called Sarah"

Fucksake 🙄