Honor Blackman dies- news reader refers to her “two adopted children”

@lemonsandlimes123 because my child has complex needs and is in and out the whole time. His extensive medical history documents his issues in huge detail right from birth . The staff all know us well and yet we still have the same conversation every time we are admitted. I feel I am constantly justifying the right to just be his mother full stop.

I don't think @Gronky gets it, but I also don't think they mean any harm.

But yeah it is a little jarring when someone says 'someone is amazing for adopting.' It's like the adopted child should be grateful. When it's a 2-way thing. The person adopting the child AND the child both benefit from adoption. I guess the person giving the baby up is the only one who loses out.

This reminds me a bit of my friend whose husband was in a car crash, and he ended up paralysed from the waist down. She lost COUNT of the amount of people saying how good and kind she was to stay with him!

I mean, the fact that they were a happy couple, married for a quarter century at the time, and very much in love, (and he has always given her as much love and happiness as she has given him, and is a wonderful father to their daughter) doesn't come into it. She is so KIND to stay with him.

Some people may not mean any harm, but it's just so annoying.

I can't really elaborate on my statement about adopting in the 60s being hellish without breaking family confidences, but that was the experience of two couples I know and love dearly. Both ended up fostering.

I'm really sorry @Lockdownmania

Of COURSE you are upset. Such a rude and nasty way to treat someone.

Adopted children are every bit as important and worthy - and loved - as non-adopted children.

Me and DH have 3 in our extended family, and they are adored as much as the non-adopted children. But I do know several adopted people who feel as you do, and have had it mentioned quite a bit that they are 'not as much family' as the 'non-adopted children.'

Lockdown I'm so sorry, that's awful. I agree there are people who still seem to have an odd attitude to adoption. One thing I notice - and again, I'm not part of an adoptive family - is when people refer to birth children as ' a child of my/their own' eg

they adopted as they couldn't have their own child
i wouldn't adopt, i'd want a child of my own

And I understand that this is perhaps a clunky use of language where other phrases could be used, but it just smacks of what you're talking about, that an adopted child/person isn't a 'real' relative.

All of which is , to me, very strange.

And to those who can't see it as offensive, I think it's a bit like whenever a woman features in a newstory, they refer to her marital status, or whether she has children, or whether she's a 'career woman' or something. It totally obiterates WHO a person is, as if their being adopted or divorce or whatever, is how we should judge them. Because how often are these bizarre qualifiers used in a positive light?

@helgahelga

Thank you ! Forty years later it still upsets me!

@Lockdownmania

I am a 1960s adoptee. The PC version of events is that being adopted into a family is the same as being born into a family.

The reality is very different. You are always seen as the outsider by extended family, family friends and the outside world. This theme comes up again and again especially around bereavements.

The comment I remember best was “ Not a blood relative then” when my adopted sister was killed in a car accident aged 17 - as if that meant I should not be upset about it.

OMG that's awful. I am so sorry you have been treated like this!

What a horrid way to be treated. I have no words.

Aw, I think Honor Blackman was a wonderful woman, how sad for her family. Or should I say 'family to whom she shared DNA and those with whom she didn't' because apparently that info is very important to some - especiallyt the daily heil who can't mention the adopted child of anyone famous without making sure we all know that child is by adoption. Or surrogacy or by any other means than heterosexual sex.

From this thread, it seems that for the majority of those who are/have adopted, it's an unwanted adjective. Personally, I think I would find it offensive were I adopted/an adoptive parent, but as a normal human, I find it weird.

Why do we need to know? It's nothing to be ashamed about or anything, but it's such an irrelevant detail. What's the point of adding it in to this newstory, when it's not about adoption? I mean, eh?

Name changed for this.

I am a 1960s adoptee. The PC version of events is that being adopted into a family is the same as being born into a family. The reality is very different. You are always seen as the outsider by extended family, family friends and the outside world. This theme comes up again and again especially around bereavements.
The comment I remember best was “ Not a blood relative then” when my adopted sister was killed in a car accident aged 17 - as if that meant I should not be upset about it.

why would you correct medical staff who have made accurate notes?

But it’s not accurate notes. In my notes, being adopted, the information is under medical history: it says Not known/adopted. That’s where it is relevant.

It is completely unnecessary to say ‘adoptive mother’ in this instance in the sons’s notes. (Wouldn’t say adoptive father either). That’s the point.

I think, for those that don’t understand why some people might find this jars and/or is offensive as it’s an invasion of privacy, it would be helpful to imagine other ways of ‘becoming’ being used as a descriptor.

E.g.

“This is Jane, my daughter who was born by c-section”

Or

“This is my delivered-by-forceps son, James”

Completely superfluous information.

TealWater, very good post. You've got it in one.

"I don't really get how it's offensive."

Coming from you, this is hilarious.

Highly offensive!! Unworthy!! But that's the BBC for you, filled with people who should know better but who are happily small minded, riddled with bias & prejudice, unwilling to learn, safe for now in their comfy, well paid protected jobs.

It is horrible when people say 'adopted children'. People should know better than to draw attention to such a private thing, it isn't fair. Coming from someone who was adopted as a baby.

As an adopted child this REALLY pisses me off. It’s the same whenever Lionel Ritchies daughter Nicole is mentioned.

My mum and dad were my mum and dad. I was their daughter. No need for the “adopted” distinction at all.

I saw that and I agree it really jarred. RIP Honor. Fab lady.

@Becca19962014
I’m sorry you were so cruelly treated. Your therapist is truly shit to have denied your reality and feelings. How dare anyone belittle the needs of a 5 yo. The therapist I saw would never have questioned my reality. I’m not adopted btw. I’m talking about my past in general.

I don't really get how it's offensive.

I don't think it offensive in a whiney, Owen Jones kind of way but it's like 'I saw a female doctor' or 'her boyfriend is black'. It's odd to mention something so unnecessary and suggest the speaker thinks the adjective changes the nature of the noun.

I have two adopted kids, I'm completely open about it and pretty chilled with the questions and faux pas people make; I would still notice and judge a similar statement.

Does it not seem likely that knowing that a patient is adopted is fairly important from a medical point of view, given how many illnesses can have a genetic or hereditary element

I've had that and corrected it too. It was already in medical notes, but this was very similar to the Honour Blackman comment in context where it was completely unnecessary to refer to it, especially in such an othering way.

I take instructions for wills and it still shocks me how many people refer to their adopted children.

Honor Blackman appeared in around 40 movies and goodness knows how many television series. But people like the OP refer to her as "Bond actress" as though she had only ever appeared in one thing worh bothering about. She was in one James Bond movie. She was an actress (or an actor), not a "Bond actress".

Indeed, in a medical setting it’s presumably entirely relevant that you’re not genetically related, flapjack? Why would you think otherwise?

Honor Blackman was one of the most beautiful glamorous women, I honestly can't believe she was 94, I remember her in The Upper Hand when I was a child. Rip

Meh. I don't mind being referred to as my parents' "adopted daughter". It's what I am. People get so weirdly sentimental.

flapjackfairy - why would you correct medical staff who have made accurate notes? Does it not seem likely that knowing that a patient is adopted is fairly important from a medical point of view, given how many illnesses can have a genetic or hereditary element