Honor Blackman dies- news reader refers to her “two adopted children”

It isnt intended to be hurtful or dismissive in any way.
Yes it is. It is intended to point out that she is a "failed woman". The misogyny is baked in the style book.

@SirChable I am aware of the thinking and research around attachment, but am not aware of any peer reviewed research which talks about "claiming" in the way you refer to it, and if I am wrong I would be really interested to see any links you have. The expectations, the training, understanding complex issues around identity - there is a dearth of research related to adoption full stop, which is why so many adoptions run into problems - alongside the problems which may be experienced pre adoption by the child. But as I say, if I am wrong, please do link, I would be really pleased to see it/them. Thanks.

marton4710 Mon 06-Apr-20 20:41:38
When I was in junior school my sister and I were asked to stand up in. Class. The local vicar was visiting and in front of the whole class the teacher said “these are the two adopted daughters of Mr and Mrs H”.
......
That is unbelievable! What on earth was the point? Did you tell your parents?

I remember walking along the corridor at school when I was about nine and the headmistress whispering to another, "That's the adopted child". It got to me because my mum had always said never to tell people - but she told people. Ha!

If you adopt a child they are your child, the only reason adoption really has to be mentioned is when it comes to medical matters, maybe some legal, I don't know. It shouldn't be a big taboo secret either but there is no need for the fact to make headlines, that is just so unfair to the child or children, an unnecessary intrusion on their privacy.

Ainsworth was 1970s, actually.

@fockle there are scores of articles out there talking about promotion of identity/sense of self in adoption with roots back to Bowlby,
Ainsworth and attachment theory in the 1950s.

@marton4710

..and the vicar would never have understood the pain he caused.

It’s ok though. I thought you would say what you did really?! In fact referring to the father being an adoptive father is equally as important. You were asking about mother vs adoptive mother.

Don’t worry about answering my question @fockle, I’ve just read your previous posts in this thread and all has become clear as to why you hold the view that you do.

Gronky - you are coming across as incredibly patronising and insensitive.

SirChable re "claiming" can you link research about its importance? No, you can't.

When I was in junior school my sister and I were asked to stand up in. Class. The local vicar was visiting and in front of the whole class the teacher said “these are the two adopted daughters of Mr and Mrs H”.

I never got over it. I felt I was not as good as anyone else and had to be best at everything. Kids poked fun at us. I had a nervous breakdown and my sister bashed anyone who said anything. It took me years to think of myself as normal. Yet our mum and dad were the best in the world. Just shows how little ones can be affected.

if it relates to the mother it is adoptive mother not "adopted"?

But it doesn’t relate to the mother. The child (whos notes it is) has a medical history of being adopted. Fine. There is no reason to highlight ‘adoptive mother’ anywhere else in the son’s notes (and I can guarantee it won’t say ‘adoptive father’.)
It’s ok though. I thought you would say what you did.

claire if it relates to the mother it is adoptive mother not "adopted"? The mother's concern here was to do with justifying herself - whereas the med notes should really use the language which is best for the medical practitioners, for the benefit of he child as they judge it.

What they mean is a child they have carried - it is common parlance. I think that the sort of thing lockdownmania has described is very hurtful, but a lot of the professional offence taking here is appallingly precious and really misses the point about the real tragedies of adoption

Do you mind me asking, @fockle why you think minimising the importance of a parent claiming an adoptive child as their own/child claiming their parents... and the long term effects that may have on the emotional health of the child and their identity/self esteem isn’t included as one of the tragedies of adoption?

gronky I thought your comments were fine, and there are many valid ways of looking at adoption, not just one way to "get it". And in a way how you describe it it is how adoption should be. Being a parent requires a lot of selfless acts, putting a child's needs before your own, for many years!

No, I deliberately wanted to ask you why ‘adoptive mother’.

Why not, ‘adopted’ as per medical history notes?

I have explained why, chloedecker.

they adopted as they couldn't have their own child
i wouldn't adopt, i'd want a child of my own

What they mean is a child they have carried - it is common parlance. I think that the sort of thing lockdownmania has described is very hurtful, but a lot of the professional offence taking here is appallingly precious and really misses the point about the real tragedies of adoption.

As in clear and immediately brought to the attention of the person picking up the file.

Why does it have to say ‘adoptive mother’?

Thank you very much, helgahelga.

As in clear and immediately brought to the attention of the person picking up the file.

I have corrected staff who have written adoptive mother on my sons paperwork it is an important distinction in medical terms- it is better for your child to have it clear that you are not biologically related.

@Gronky

It's OK. I don't think you meant any harm.

@FloralBunting

I know exactly where your father was coming from. It is one of (the) worst moments in your life - and people make a comment that stabs a knife into the most sensitive part of your soul.

They do not do it on purpose. They would probably be mortified if they realised how much they had hurt you. But the pain does not go away.

But yeah it is a little jarring when someone says 'someone is amazing for adopting.' It's like the adopted child should be grateful. When it's a 2-way thing. The person adopting the child AND the child both benefit from adoption.

I absolutely understand and agree with that and I certainly didn't mean to suggest that there's some obligation of gratitude on the child (that could definitely be an overwhelming and unfair notion for a child to deal with). My view is certainly idealised as a result of not having children (by choice, I'm terrible with them).