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Original poster

How not to 'fill the gaps' for men

160 replies

daringdoris · 15/03/2020 15:58

Inspired by the discussion on the Billy Bragg thread about left-wing men thinking that women are just there to make the tea and make sure there's enough paint for the placards, and Blibbyblobby on the 'Diana' thread, who said you've never been a professional woman stepping up to do boring admin to help the team because someone has to do it then realising the men don't even register you've been filling the gaps for them

I've realised I do this. The men around me are nice people, but now I think about it, nearly all the boring admin in a venture we're involved with is left to me. It is voluntary work, but in a context where we have to be extremely professional and well organised.

I really want to not only stop doing it, but get them to realise that the gaps are being filled by (almost) the only girl in the venture. Is it possible? Has anybody done it?

I'm happy to be pointed towards an existing thread if this discussion's been done to death already. Smile

OP posts:
Kit19 · 15/03/2020 16:42

Yes!! It’s hard not to just step in especially when it’s going wrong & making work extra difficult but it’s worth it on the long run. I’m not their wife or mummy, I’m not stepping in to clear up the mess

Qcng · 15/03/2020 16:39

Just say "someone needs to do xyz" (admin/ organise catering) and leave it at that? That's what men do.

definitelygc · 15/03/2020 16:35

Do not tell them you have been filling the gaps. They will think you are bonkers. Sadly. It just doesn't help.

I can attest to this being true. In response to people thinking I was bonkers I set an official "admin to do list" where I divvied up all the tasks to everyone on the team and then ticked off all the ones I'd done to prove my point. No one took any notice.

Tork is right - the only way to get people to care is to let shit hit the fan. Then suddenly the admin tasks take on huge importance.

Original poster
daringdoris · 15/03/2020 16:30

That's really helpful, thank you.

I had noticed it was bothering me as I was starting to make slightly passive-aggressive comments at the worst offenders, which is very unlike me.

I know that telling them would put me into that nagging role, which is why I haven't done it!

I can see a couple of contexts where I can apply your ideas immediately.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 15/03/2020 16:21

I am fiercely self-policing on this topic at work.

Do not tell them you have been filling the gaps. They will think you are bonkers. Sadly. It just doesn't help. It puts you into the role of nag demanding "help" with "her hoovering."

What you do is: STOP. Immediately stop. Wipe your mind of it being your responsibility at all.

If someone says "why didn't x happen" you say nothing at all.

If things will go wrong because nobody is doing x. You do nothing, say nothing, you let it fail.

If someone asks you directly if you know about why x hasn't happened, look blank and say "No idea" and wander off.

If anyone mentions you did it/ doing it say "I did the first one to get my turn done. Let me know when it is my turn again."

Take no mental load, no reminders, no rota making, no flagging up that the printer needs toner, no making passive aggressive notes.

Observe the most oblivious man. Copy him.

Original poster
daringdoris · 15/03/2020 16:17

Ah yes, being left to your own devices does have its advantages!

OP posts:
Original poster
daringdoris · 15/03/2020 16:16

There must be a pragmatic way of making this obvious to both the male colleagues and the support staff in your sister's case. I feel like my brain goes fuzzy when I think about it though...
Also that setting up a system or suchlike is yet more admin work for those who are already doing more than their fair share!

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 15/03/2020 16:13

On the plus side she had free reign to organise an iwd event that actually centred women (and no womxn nonsense Grin)

Danceswithwarthogs · 15/03/2020 16:10

My sister finds the same in her work (digital marketing). She’s the only woman on her team at her grade, she has her own project work plus any planning/logistics/catering for events falls to her and she finds that support/secretarial staff (mainly female) will volunteer to do work on behalf of the male staff but not her, she feels awkward asking them and usually ends up doing it herself. She then feels that she is only appraised on the work she does on her main projects and the rest is invisible, and so she has to work twice as hard for the same recognition as the men on the team.

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