How not to 'fill the gaps' for men

MrsTSwift that made me laugh

SophocIestheFox

The art is not to confront it. It is to ignore it’s existence and not look it in the eye. Like an advanced game of empty loo roll innards in the bathroom.

I've worked with all male teams in my speciality for years.
I just don't fill the gaps. I leave it to the men.
They will do it if you don't.
I don't make them drinks or tidy up their rubbish either.
They often moan about their own mess but I am selectively deaf.
My own clinic is immaculate as an example to them but an example is all it is. i don't jump in and help. I'm not their wife.
When on occasion I work with women then of course I do all those things because I know I won't be taken for granted.

Oops, pressed post too soon.

I snapped a few weeks back at a colleague (who i know is beautifully facilitated at home by his wife, and who I think quite likes the idea of me as work wife). We had a standoff that ended with me huffing “I’m not your secretary, James”, and him getting the hump and not doing the stuff I’d asked him to do as petty revenge.

Raaarrrggghhh, am getting twitchy reading this because I know how much, in my 80% male work environment, I do this. I need to implement some of these now, and I think I’ll start with a bit of tactical, cheerful obliviousness...

I have a colleague who occasionally tries to offload jobs to me - admin like organising meetings, and I consistently refuse 😄
He always looks very surprised, but then gets on and does it himself.
We're not even in the same team.. but there are no women in his.

YYY to grab what you want work.

Do not comment at all on any gaps beyond a oh yeah. Not even if every fibre of your female socialised being wants to fix the problem or make the awkward go away. It’s a trap. Resist.

This stuff works on kids too btw. It’s good for them, makes them take responsibility, age appropriate levels obv.

I don’t even say try Bob. I just say I’m too busy. Unless of course Bob has irritated me or is coasting.

Fab weekend organised entirely by dh. He booked and planned it all. Let tweens pack themselves. Dd1 wore a bra top and combats in freezing temperatures. Not my problem she wore her coat indoors and looked weird so won’t do that again

Observe the most oblivious man. Copy him.

Yup.

Once you learn to ignore that residual stab of socialised guilt, it’s really really nice. I’ve perfected a slightly bemused shrug.

YY to it being office chicken.

Also YY to grabbing the job you want first. Despite this thread I have a reputation for being the one who pitches in. That's because I immediately volunteer for what I do like. Then I have receipts for "god no, I'm up to my eyes already, try Bob."

Didn't realise that I do this so much. Thanks for this thread. That's me done with filling the gaps :)

Exactly, just don’t do it. Certainly don’t volunteer for it.

This is turning out really interesting. Thank you all for your insights.

What you do is: STOP. Immediately stop. Wipe your mind of it being your responsibility at all.

YES.

In addition to just not doing the gap work.

Eye up what you do want to do- and then claim it. You probably have a fair idea of what tasks will need doing for every new project. Don’t wait to be handed your part of the job. Claim the part you want before anyone else decides who is doing what. And keep doing it. Even if people whinge and gurn. That’s what a man would do.

Some excellent tips on here
Although I like the idea of no secret Santa

TorkTorkBam

Brilliant

Sounds like a technique that could be applied in the home too.

I grew up with very, very lazy siblings....and I was the one expected to work for some reason. You must learn to embrace the chaos. Be surprised when informed of the chaos. Learn NON COMITAL statements,
"Oh really, gosh."
"Hmmm. That's not good"
But most of all, learn to shut up, enjoy awkward silence as that is when they expect YOU to say that you'll fix it.

I'm trying to recognise this. In my context I'm not sure how much of it is sex based, and how much personality based. I'm refusing to help a woman who busily picks up after everyone else. I feel bad, but have spoken to her about boundaries, that it's ok for things to fail if people don't do them correctly. It isn't her responsibility to be the team's safetynet.

Do not do the things.
Do not acknowledge the things.
Do not twitch when the things are not done.
It’s office chicken.

Work around the things not being done so someone else is inconvenienced by them, hopefully a man.

I work in a male dominated team. We have no secret Santa, no birthday or anything else stuff. No department cake rotas etc etc. Whoever discovers we are out of stationery or similar orders it - we don’t have admin staff. This happened after a variety of people wandered to the cupboard and said oh where are the things? Me - said nothing. If directly asked, I said I don’t know I don’t use them. Oh we are out of tea/coffee. Me - are we? Huh, I bring my own weird brand. It’s hard work ignoring but it gets easier.

Tork, spot on. I work in a predominantly female environment, and I've noticed that most of the women are particularly diligent, and when the few men drop balls, the women, including myself, tend to pick them up without a murmur.

I had a few days off some time ago, and I know a bloke covered my shifts, and the slapdashery was astonishing when I came back - paperwork missing, tasks not done but signed for, costly mistakes. I realized that I had a choice to just hoover it all up or just stick to my own responsibilities and let the person responsible for the gaps take that responsibility.

I've felt a lot more balanced in myself as a result.

Be ready for all the men to look at you in anticipation when an admin task fails and needs someone to take it on. Say nothing. Don't even engage in the discussion. If they then ask you say "God no, I'm rubbish at that kind of thing. Ask Bob, he's good with detail, he might help you out."

If you get lumbered with lady jobs then do them badly and act like you are confused as to why Bob isn't doing them. Like those men who can rebuild an elite road bike but who can't operate a washing machine without shrinking your favourite top.

Nobody EVER asks me to fill in a form for them or set up a the lunches. Yet I can do it completely successfully in my private life. Funny that.