12 year old daughter saying she thinks she's male

131 replies

controversialquestion · 25/02/2020 17:30

Hi
Posted this in behaviour and development and got no response. Would really appreciate some advice about who to put DD in contact with for some advice.
Would very much welcome some advice. My 12 year old daughter has appeared perfectly happy (albeit quite quirky) until she started secondary school this year. On the surface she still appears happy - has a good group of friends and social life, and is doing well academically. However, she has been increasingly saying she is self-conscious, and some weeks ago self harmed several times - we have got her some support through both the GP and school. It looked like things were settling down and she had a good half term. However she came to see me yesterday and said she thought she was actually male. She had had a period of about 6 months around 2 years ago where she would only wear boys clothes (and said she had asked friends to call her a boys name but they wouldn't) but since then she has had a number of phases, including some quite girly ones.
I had a long chat with her and told her I didn't think people could be in the wrong body - it was much more about how they perceived themselved etc. and pressures from society. We talked a lot about how you could live your life as you pleased (within reason) as a woman, and didn't need to conform to any gender norm or sexuality while still remaining a woman. She agreed, but said she felt she would feel more comfortable and less self concious with a male body or liviing as a male. She had quite early puberty and has a clearly female shape already.
We kind of left it there with the channels of communication left open, but I would welcome any advice. I certainly do not want her going down the trans route but have made it clear that I have no problem regarding whatever her sexuality may be or how she chooses to present herself / dress etc. Are there any groups that she could talk to that wouldn't encourage her to consider herself trans? I'm really struggling to be both supportive while not wishing to support the idea that she is indeed a male and could / should live like this. Obviously it may all go away in the next few weeks as she's only 12, but even if it does I think it's important she feels listened to and there's obviously something going on with her that requires support. I'm also concerned that if she talks to her counsellor at school that they will refer her to Mermaids or something similar, so feel I need to have identified another support organisation that I can encourage her to contact that won't support this stance.

OP posts:

Original poster

controversialquestion · 25/02/2020 18:07

Thanks so much for your replies. Am out at the moment but will reply properly later when I’m back.

OP posts:

happydappy2 · 25/02/2020 17:59

Pay close attention to what she is accessing online.....stress to her the dangers of listening to strangers online who may have a harmful agenda. Also I'd explain that in your day there were no trans children-this is an incredibly new phenomena which many people still don't actually believe is real. Yes there are transexual adults (most often men presenting as women) But the whole trans child is a bizarre new trend. Gender dysphoria is a real condition but I would robustly query the legitimacy of trans children. Good luck.

HelgaHere1 · 25/02/2020 17:57

If she doesn't like her body has she seen a mature man's penis. It is so ugly - would she really want one of them?
Periods are horrid (initially as a young teen, the mess and the smell) and body hair etc but boys have things to deal with too, in different ways obviously, why does she want to be male? Does she like football, cars?
I worry that it is that they don't want to have to deal with women's stuff.

NearlyGranny · 25/02/2020 17:49

Keep her away from Mermaids, whatever you do! I think lots of listening is the hugely valuable thing you can do. Suddenly acquiring adult female characteristics, especially when your friends haven't, is enough to make anyone wobbly and self-conscious. I wonder whether she's getting unwelcome attention from others in her class or older students? Do try to help her unpick why she feels uncomfortable in her body, apart from it just being new to her. I wonder whether she really is wanting to have a male body or just wishing hers wasn't quite so obviously female, and drawing attention that she can't handle?

Apollo440 · 25/02/2020 17:47

Have a look at the transgender trend website. They favour watchful waiting.

rogdmum · 25/02/2020 17:44

I’ll come back later when I have more time but wanted to quickly post to say you are not alone! My daughter is 14 and has identified as a boy since October. I’m not aware of any non affirming groups for children (and you are right to be wary of the school counsellor unless you speak to them first and find out their position!), but there is support out their for parents who want to take a more cautious approach - e.g. Bayswater Support (www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/) has been a Godsend to me.

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