Father sleeping in same bed as daughter

@SinkGirl I’m under no illusions at all, trust me !!!!!! My point was that if the OP has serious concerns about her daughter’s safety around her father she should not see him AT ALL

If your daughter does not want to share a bed with her father and she has told him so, why is he forcing her sleep with him?

She's a human being - not a hot water bottle!

There is something fundamentally wrong about the way this arrangement is described, ie. that it is "his bed" that she sharing.

If it had been agreed (but apparently it was not) that when she stays over that it is her bed - then the question would be, "Why does he want to sleep with his daughter in her bed?"

Does she say why she does not want to sleep in the same bed as her father?

• If not, ask her - but do NOT suggest how she feels, ie. do NOT ask "leading questions" like, "Does it make you feel xxxx ?"

Does she say how it makes her feel to have to share a bed with her father?

• If not, ask her - but do NOT ask "leading questions".

Does she say how it makes her feel when her father says that he does not have a spare bed for her?

• If not, ask her - but do NOT ask "leading questions".

Does she say why she thinks her father does not put up the spare bed for her?

• If not, ask her - but do NOT ask "leading questions".

She might not have any "worries" about the arrangement but just thinks that he is lazy or disrespectful or selfish, etc. That in itself would not bode well for their relationship but much worse if she does feel uncomfortable about the arrangement.

It is really important that you do not let your negative feelings influence your daughter. It must be hard for her to be caught in the middle of this and she might try to please you by giving you the answers that she thinks you want to hear.

First possibility: If what she says should reassure you about the arrangements and her happiness with them then accept what she says and be reassured. Let her know you are pleased that everything is OK but that she can always tell you if she is unhappy about something.

Second possibility: However, if this is what it boils down to, then contact Child Protection and Safeguarding at your local Council and make a Safeguarding Report (or whatever they call it where you live) on the basis of "Neglect":

9 yr old child tells her mother, in so many words, "When I stay at daddy's he makes me sleep in the same bed as him. I told him I don't want to and mummy gave him a bed for me but he still makes me sleep with him."

Add to that the answers to the questions above:

• why she does not want to share a bed with her father,
• how it make her feel that he makes her sleep with him,
• how it makes her feel that he pretends that he does not have a spare bed for her to sleep in
• why she thinks her father does not put up the spare bed for her.

"Neglect - when people talk about neglect they mean when a child is not getting the things they need – like somewhere safe and warm to live; somewhere to learn and develop; somewhere you will be cared for when you are not feeling well; somewhere you will get enough to eat; somewhere you will be properly looked after; and, not be ignored. "

from:
www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/GUIDE_Young_Persons_Guide_to_Keeping_Children_Safe.pdf

Ideally, the official agreement would be that your daughter has her own bed when she stays over - this could be the bed that at other times is "his bed". It is then up to her father to make his own sleeping arrangements, separate from hers, when she stays over. This might prompt discovery of the mysteriously missing camp bed.

Slipperywhensparticus how would you feel if your daughter got blood on your sheets? On a towel? Why would a father feel any differently?

I would not be happy about this at all. The naivety of some posters ("it's her father- it's fine) is stunning.

If space is tight there are all sorts of futon roll ups/ foldaway beds/ inflatable beds available.

I have contacted social services to find out how I go about everything regarding this as my daughter even though she is 9 she has hit puberty and very developed already so this is my massive concern but social services basically have passed the buck they have stated that my daughter is not in the ideal situation at her fathers accommodation but yet choose to not do anything about it apart from telling me to go to court.

Plus the points made be *DeRigueurMortis8

From what you have said it seems:
you bought a bed for her to have are his accommodation
he hasn't put it up / claims you never gave it to him
on occasions your daughter has said she wants to sleep in her own bed when with him, but he tells her you didn't give him one

Those saying they have got into bed with their father presumably it wasn't to spend the entire night and you had our own room/bed to go to, and were in a safe space.

It doesn't seem clear why it is expected you provide the furniture, is that part of the arrangement that you help him out financially.

Are social services involved in this? I would have thought they would write a report laying out the ground rules on which she stays over. And I very much doubt, even if they view the relationship between father and daughter to be okay, that the only sleeping arrangements is that she shares a bed with her father. Especially if he is someone with a drink problem.

Have you consulted Rights of Women? They have a free family law advice line - see rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

OP it sounds like there are a whole lot of issues here and I think it's important to separate them.

1. I don't think it's inappropriate for a child of 9 to share a bed with a parent (whatever the sex of the child/parent) as long as the child is comfortable doing so.

1. It's not clear from your posts whether the concern about sharing a bed is coming from you or your child.

In fairness she is at an age (in my experience) if ok with it now, it won't be long before she wants her own space/privacy so even if she is "ok" now it's not a long term solution. As such my focus would be to your Ex as to what are his plans to ensure her privacy moving forward because the current situation isn't sustainable.

1. Rather than the bed I'd be more immediately concerned about him living in shared accommodation. Who with? Does DD have access to a bathroom that has a lock? What's the situation re: communal living space? I think these are far more pressing issues; though as above I think she's near an age (if not already) where her own bed will be important.

Having a relationship with her father is important but he also needs to recognise that as a father it's up to him to provide an appropriate environment for her to stay/sleep.

Free legal advice link

www.lawworks.org.uk/legal-advice-individuals/find-legal-advice-clinic-near-you

why?

Yes

Have you name changed?

Only asking for advice really

CaptainKirksSpikeyGhost

Exactly what I was thinking... didn’t catch Karen’s deleted post but I did think this thread was going on a sort of trajectory, hoping for a kind of “gotcha!” moment, especially because there are claims OP has posted this same scenario before. I’m not troll hunting though, I’ll just see how it all plays out...

Or is it posted here to try and get women to say it's okay?

Because you don't really want to take advice and are steering the thread in one direction.

My daughter 11 and her dad have farting competitions when they share when camping. The only thing i'd be concerned about is his snoring, but apparently I'm worse and we shared for a couple of years when homeless (it's all lies about the snoring i tell you!!)

And she has told me she has asked him to which he reply to her is mummy never gave me a bed

To which your response is (not to her) I did provide a new bed so what the hell is going on?

Is your post trying to insinuate that you think there are nefarious reasons that your daughters father sleeps in the same bed as her when she stays over at his place?

DD is 10 and tells me she often goes and gets in to bed with her dad when at hhis house (similar situation with court ordered contact that in not happy about) however that is far from any of my issues. If that's where she feels safe I'm happy for her to be there. The shared housing situation would concern me though

So does she have a problem with it?

Buy him a camp bed for your daughter if you’re worried. There will be plenty of room space for one.