Puzzled - Philip Schofield

@RedToothBrush yes I wasn't meaning this isn't still a betrayal of his promises of forever. I just meant did she consent to this or did he change the terms of marriage.

I just read the BBC article. It seems most of the women were living a lie with husbands having affairs and that's how they found out their husbands were gay. That seems so cowardly and cruel to cheat on your wife rather than face the reality as many people have done for decades.

I’m in my 40s. I have many gay friends who came out at university in the 90s and even if they moved in very supportive social circles they still had very mixed reactions from family and wider society. They are all now living happily and accepted but the idea that a children’s presenter could come out then is unthinkable.

One of my close friends, now very happily married, when we were in our 20s said to me that he sort of regretted that he couldn’t be a gay man of the 50s, who married and had kids and a family life, but also went out shagging, so he would have it all. Until I asked him whether he thought that would have been a good life for his lucky theoretical wife; he hadn’t thought of it from that angle at all. I thought of that conversation yesterday.

Given how many people knew that Schofield had sex with men, it is almost impossible that his wife was oblivious, and I really hope this was a situation she went into with her eyes open and has taken what she wanted from the relationship over the years.

If that was my dad/husband - well I think I’d feel angry and as if I’d been living a lie.

But of course these women can only smile for the camera and pretend to be happy families or they will be ripped apart by the media. They will have their faces plastered all over the media - if they are looking happy ‘yay they are all cool with this’ and if they are snapped standing in Tesco with resting bitch face ‘strain shows on face’ and ‘homophobic hell of x’.

They didn’t sign up for this! I’m sure he will be snapped ‘his new life - isn’t he great!’ ‘My new love’ ‘my life has just begun!’

Unless his wife was told when they dated, if we get married I will love you and commit to you but also have sexual feelings and desires for sex with men then I feel he was (even if unconsciously) duplicitous.

Still a problem even if she knew he was gay from the start.

He made a commitment to her for life to be a joint unit.

And the statement reveals she's feels pain and is hurt. So somewhere along the line he's really not thought of her or considered her feelings if it became public.

Which he should have.

Instead he prioritised his feelings, needs and wants without much thought as to how that would work out.

He's a man who married when he was already in the media. He was asked about his sexuality directly before he married. He knew there was a risk that at some point it would all come crashing down one way or another.

Regardless of the different attitudes of the time its still monumentally self centred and with a complete lack of thought for someone who vowed to be your lifelong partner.

It's all about him isn't it? Me, me, me

Well, that's the thing. As much as this is all a 'big deal' for him, it's just as much a big deal for his wife and family.

Regardless of if they knew for 6 months, 6 years, or their entire marriage, whatever support he needs to deal with it is just as needed by his wife and daughters.

I’d be thinking of my conception. My poor mum thinking she was making love and a baby while my dad gritted his teeth.

Just the way my mind works.

"I think it seems he wishes he wasn't gay, but has denied it all his life and had reached breaking point."
I agree with this PP. It could be blackmail or it could be as simple as he's reached the stage in later life where research says your identity and legacy become a focus and it is harder to make peace with living parallel or inauthentic lives.

Unless his wife was told when they dated, if we get married I will love you and commit to you but also have sexual feelings and desires for sex with men then I feel he was (even if unconsciously) duplicitous.

I wonder how it feels to live with and love someone who, in their heart of hearts, wanted a different life but felt too afraid and shamed by society to seek it from the start. I wonder if you can tell something isn't right all along but can never put your finger on it. I imagine as PS hasn't said he is bisexual, that his wife has missed out on a fulfilling sexual partnership, and hasn't had a life of feeling desired and wanted. This seems so sad to me, especially if she didn't know why things weren't right in that department. Usually if we don't know why it slowly erodes our self esteem and undermines our happiness.

I hope he has been as honest with his wife as soon as he could.

I don’t understand how people can purely view it from his POV. Think - what if my spouse of almost 30 years announced this (to the world). How would I feel?

I felt shock, shame (can't explain this one) anger (at his deceiving me for the whole of our 30 year marriage) devastation that the man I thought I knew was someone I really didn't know at all, grief at the breakup of our family especially for our two daughters and the future we had planned etc etc.

It's all about him isn't it? Me, me, me.

I really feel for his daughters too, as someone who's in the same position but thankfully without the glare of TV cameras etc. I'm presuming they're close to me in age (mid twenties)?

There seems to be a lot of pressure on this age bracket to be aggressively accepting of everything, no exceptions, and if you don't just nod your head and say "stunning and brave" you're bigoted and homophobic etc etc.

I'm bi myself and go to Pride and would consider myself the furthest thing away from homophobic, but when it's a parent coming out it stirs up a lot of strange feelings. The biggest one for me, especially when you hear people talking about "what a shame you had to live a lie", "if only you'd been able to come out _ years ago" is that you know you wouldn't have existed if that happened, and you start wondering if they would rather have been who they were inside from the start and the expense of having you.

It's a selfish position for sure but it's a lonely one because if you talk to anyone about it, they're still in the "stunning and brave" mode and you're just being homophobic. I'm worried it'll be amplified for them because of the public support For PS.

Maybe they've known for years and had ages to overcome this, but I just hope they have unbiased, unjudgmental support around them.

Yes. That makes sense. But...if he's saying that you shouldn't hide who you really are, to be honest with yourself and those around you, about your sexuality, why has he got to his late 50s, married for yonks with 2 grown up daughters, is he making the big announcement. Seems a bit "do as I say, not as I do". Is it really possible to repress your sexuality all that time? Genuine question.

Philip Schofield has done nothing but attention seek for as long as I remember. You don't wake up when you are nearly 60 and decide you are gay. You've known it for a long time, probably since teens. He had deceived his wife and DC for his own benefit, probably to make sure his career wasn't affected.
100% agree. When my gay ex, who finally came out at a similar age to Schofield, said he'd known he had feelings for boys when he was in junior school.

I am not homophobic at all. In fact people like him make it more difficult for honest gay men who don't lie and deceive women and ruin their lives. This is exactly what one of my gay friends said to me yesterday.

So is he getting divorced? Surely it would have been more dignified to make any such a statement after separation.

I was surprised he's married, I thought I had heard he was gay but not really out years ago.

I’m assuming a Sunday tabloid was going to run a story, given the timing.

It’s depressing that anyone’s sexuality is a news story.

And hell yes the 80s were homophobic. Elton John sued The Sun for libel for saying he was gay - and WON. So I can see why PS would keep it quiet.

Still, having your husband of decades go on television to say he never found you attractive is pretty fucking devastating, I’d imagine, no matter how long you’d known about it in private.

*I can't see it

@Justmuddlingalong with regards to the proud to be gay comments, I think it's in retaliation to the idea that being gay/LGBT was something to be ashamed of - more so in the past but still today that opinion exists. Hence Pride etc - it's people saying I'm not ashamed, I'm proud of who I am, not going to hide it etc.

You can absolutely be proud of being straight, it's not homophobic it'd just be a bit of a weird declaration as there's no widely held belief that being straight is something to be ashamed of.

He once told how Steph housesat for him when he worked on TV projects abroad “and never moved out”.

On living with her during those early days, Phillip said: “I like having someone to come home to and discuss things with.

"I like coming home when the lights are on in the house, bread’s being baked and the garden is mowed.”

And

When quizzed if he was dating Steph to hide a secret, Phillip said: “‘You can’t win, can you?”

Having a family and watching them grow up was clearly important for the couple. Phillip said: “It was something I’d always looked forward to. It was something I desperately wanted.

“It’s difficult in this job to find the right person, and the person who would get to know you and marry you for the right reasons. So I was very lucky with Steph. There aren’t many like her around.

These comments haven't aged well and I don't think are a great look. They certainly aren't terribly 'progressive'.

The whole stunning and brave narrative really grates. It's the whole having your cake and eating thing here.

I can see it as anything other than Phil wanting someone in the kitchen for him and to carry his children for him. And he ultimately gets sainted for it.

Of course he loves his wife and kids. They have doubtless contributed immensely to the comfort and satisfaction and security of his life. And now that he’s had all that he also gets to cruise into the final part of his career as a brave and courageous shining beacon of light for the gay community in the name of “speaking your truth” and “living your best life”. Lucky him. Not so lucky wife.

@SpokeTooSoon
Yes!!! With bells on!!!

"I just keep wondering why this has to be made public. What’s his next move? I can’t imagine being so interested in my sexuality that I have to make public statements about it. And I’m sorry, but there is something icky about a man pushing 60 making statements like this. He’s basically saying I’m off to have sex with men and just wanted to keep you all in the loop.

Imagine if he’d announced he was no longer into his wife in a sexual way and would like everyone to know he’s planning on sleeping with other women from now on.

But because he’s gay it’s brilliant, right?"

I don't understand the "he's so brave" comments. Or how he's proud to be gay. If I said I was proud to be heterosexual, I presume I'd be labelled as homophobic. No one should be ashamed of their sexuality, but being proud of it is an odd phrase.

Everything is a big deal now. I’ve seen on the internet’gender reveal’ events for adults.

Jilly I know, I'm of the generation where we (or so I thought) don't think 'coming out' is even necessary and isn't brave or courageous as there's nothing or shameful about being one sexuality or another.
All this has really unsettled me and makes me worry for younger people, as it would seem that being gay is still a big deal and something you have to 'admit' to with a special, somber segment on national television. It's all been utterly bizarre

It is bizarre. It's regressive.

My sister came out in AFN Scotland in the 80s. She wasn’t working in the media or in entertainment. She was just a teenage girl at school.

I am nearly 50, when I was 20 I worked in a theatre and met and socialised with lots of gay men and women. We socialised totally ‘underground’, gay clubs were not even known to me until then, they looked like normal houses and you had to knock on the front door and someone looked through a hatch to let you in! Coming out in the 80s and 90s was difficult, one of my best friends did this and was angst ridden for weeks before telling his parents.
So I can see why PS wouldn’t have done it at the time and tried to deny his feelings. I am sure he has and still does love his wife. He said in the interview his hand has not been forced at all, I guess he just wants it all out in the open now. I can understand that. Is he brave, I’m not sure? Do I feel sadness for his wife, absolutely.

I don’t understand how people can purely view it from his POV. Think - what if my spouse of almost 30 years announced this (to the world). How would I feel?