The Gift of Fear vs The Shark Cage

So glad you found it helpful. I’ve created a group program for young women in schools now. We use an animation of the metaphor. You should have a look on thesharkcage Facebook page ( one of the first posts). I co-wrote the program with my sister who is a teacher because women kept saying th Ed y wish they had the knowledge earlier. There are quite a few adult Shark Cage group programs running around the world now and the young women’s program is starting to be picked up by different schools and services. Thanks so much for the feedback. It helps me to keep creating programs, books and resources :)

Hi Ursula, nice to see you on here. I came across the shark cage when it was a blog post and its been really transformative in how I think about myself and my past. I also gave a link to a psychologist I was seeing at the time and next time I saw her, she said she had passed it on and discussed it with several clients.
Its a brilliant piece of work, so thank you

My 9 year old daughter asked me last week what the word "rape" means. I had never told her because I was trying to protect her. Now she knows the definition but hopefully won't ever know what it means the way I do. I was abducted and locked in a cabin and raped for 12 hours when I was 14 years old. I didn't know to be afraid of that man. He was driving me home. A friend of my father had arranged for him to take me. He wasn't something that scared me until he locked the door and punched me in the face.

How to Spot a Shark will be published and available mid 2021 - all going well. I’ll let people know when The Shark Cage website is launched ( should be next 2-3 weeks),
Ursula (creator of The Shark Cage Framework).

I did a quick search for “How to spot a shark” and can’t find it yet. I hope it will be on sale in UK bookshops.

I’m on notify for the latest edition of the Gift of Fear when it comes out, in February, I think.

Thank you everyone for the information!

Thanks, OP. I hadn't heard of the shark cage concept, I really like it. Looking forward to the book.

I'll try to find Protecting the Gift.

Hi there,
There is a Shark Cage Program that can be used in individual therapy sessions or as an 8 week group program. The Shark Cage program manual is for helping professionals and details activities following the five steps in the Shark Cage framework that help women renovate their Shark Cage of human rights/boundaries and also learn how to help build strong Shark Cages for their children. The Shark Cage website will be launched latter this month and have a search function for women to find helping professionals trained by me in the Shark Cage framework or Shark Cage groups in their area. There will also be a self help book ‘How to spot a Shark’ published next year ( date to be announced on website). Until thesharkcage website is launched latter this month the best place to find information is on my general website [email protected].

www.goodreads.com/book/show/92443.Protecting_the_Gift

I just went to find out a bit more about that book and the second review has my eyes practically rolling out of my head. "Meg" is an idiot (see her bit about women and men.) Book does sound useful though!

(reading more) oh my god, so many idiots. I don't even necessarily disagree with the advice that a lost child should try to avoid asking (people who present as) men for help says one person in 2020.

I think De Becker's work is excellent and as a DV survivor, I never found it victim blaming, I found it empowering.

It is all about building your cage is how I read it. I needed to do that, and it does start with trusting your instincts, listening to your gut feelings and not talking yourself out of dangerous situations.

If you are really good at listening to your primal instincts, you don't get caught up, you catch it early with minimal harm.

As I write that, I guess that is why there is the accusation of victim blaming (Why didn't she do anything? etc) but this is life, life is dangerous - as per the shark analogy - and so all De Becker is saying is that it is unjust and dangerous for women not to be tuned in at this basic level and they may need help to never be as naive as I was (is that victim blaming - arggghhhh!)

Gavin de Becker wrote another book called Protecting the Gift, specifically for parents about keeping children and teenagers safe and giving them the tools to protect themselves.

I haven't read it though would expect it to be good. I'm now rather curious about what it says, particularly about respecting children's boundaries.

While it is very personal-not-professional in style, I also think this is an excellent page.

sociopathlife.com/liarliar/red-flags/

Sorry to hear that Tottie. Your daughter wouldn't go far wrong with reading all the red flags Gavin de Becker spells out near the beginning of his book (loan sharking, forced teaming, discounting the word 'no', charm etc etc). Once you read them you see much better other people's manipulative behaviour. It's like an SAS toolkit for shit relationships.

Thank you for posting that chickenonamug. I've not come across this shark cage thing before and I thought what you quoted was very helpful.

I think both are excellent and surely complement one another.

I have personally found the Gift of Fear incredibly helpful. I'm not sure about the victim blaming accusation. It's a while since I read it but de Becker came across to me as incredibly well informed and sympathetic about what women have to put up with.

He does, however, point out quite accurately how society socialises men and women to act in certain ways. For women when it comes to men: being nice, 'letting them down easy'. He does point out, slightly tardily in the chapter as I recall, that they do this because they are afraid of the condemnation and even outright violence they might receive if they reject more explicitly.

Perhaps this isn't the chapter the criticisms are about, but honestly I wouldn't want anyone not to read the Gift of Fear because they think somehow he blames women for the things that happen to them. Anything but. I actually found it incredibly helpful to be told that I was probably socialised to 'be nice' and that it really wasn't helping my cause, especially given that men are socialised to be persistent.

He is absolutely brilliant on how to deal with overly persistent men (stalkers but also in other contexts) and his work on identifying red flags is invaluable.

Thanks @ChickenonaMug for that excellent post.

Is there a book on the shark cage theory for parents. A kind of how to mend/strengthen your own shark cage and make a strong one for your children?

Thank you for this thread OP, I hadn’t heard of the gift of fear or the shark cage before and I really wish I had!

I see that there will be a new edition of the gift of fear next year, maybe it will address some of the victim blaming pp mentioned. I will wait and buy the new version I think.

If you reprint my article you really should acknowledge me as the author. You can down load it in full from my website [email protected]. Also search for my Shark Cage animation on YouTube (make sure it’s my animation there are a few videos talking about it). Also have theSharkCage Facebook page with lots of good info if you start from the first post 😊

The Reddit poster additionally mentions social pressures on girls/women to be “nice” and “polite”, especially to men. This can weaken our “cage” even if have grown up a positive family situation

That makes so much sense @chickenonamug - i identified why at least 3 of my bars are/were missing just from reading you post.

There is an article from Psychotherapy in Australia which explains the Shark Cage.

I won't link to is as it says that the link is not secure, although I think that the link is fine, however it explains the shark cage like this:

“Why does this keep happening to me?”

The Script goes something like this: There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t have a sign on your forehead. You aren’t asking to be abused. Of course you don’t go looking to be abused. Try and think of it like this. The world is a big beautiful ocean. There are lots of beautiful, colourful, harmless, friendly fish and there are sharks too—lots of them! They are more present in some waters than others, but they are everywhere. They are predators and they are dangerous. To survive in this ocean you need a good Shark Cage.

Where do we get our Shark Cage from?

People aren’t born with Shark Cages. It is up to the people around us when we are young to help us build a Shark Cage. Our caregivers and everyone we come in contact with in childhood contribute to the type of Shark Cage we build. Let’s think of each bar in the Shark Cage as a boundary, or a basic human right. If we are taught that it’s not acceptable for people to shout at us or call us names, that’s one bar in the Shark Cage created. If we are taught through words and actions that it is not acceptable for people to hit us, then that’s another bar in the Shark Cage. If we are taught in words and actions that it’s not acceptable for people to touch us in ways that make us uncomfortable, that’s another bar. Once the bars are in place, sharks bang up against them and find it harder to get close enough to take a bite and hurt us.

Unfortunately, not all of us are lucky enough to have had caregivers who were able to help us build a ‘top of the range’ Shark Cage. This might be because someone in our childhood was abusing us. Building a Shark Cage when it has already become normal to have sharks biting at us is really hard. Some of us might have had caregivers who have never had a good Shark Cage themselves, so they didn’t know how to help us build one. Most of us have Shark Cages with missing bars that need work. That is OK because we can work on and repair our Shark Cage at any time. We just need the right blueprint, assistance and tools
So there is nothing wrong with you. You just need to do some work on your Shark Cage and I can help you with that if you like."

The article then gives examples of how a situation might develop for a woman with a good shark cage and how it might develop for a woman with some cage bars missing. The article then describes how woman can be helped to build a shark cage.

Had never heard of the “shark cage” and like the idea.

I found Gift of Fear amazing in my early 20s when had been stalked (in a short term and minor way) twice, as was a close friend. There is a lot of good stuff in there, although think can see your point.