A dirty word

I expected that the dirty word was going to be 'woman'. As in 'adult human female', with no disclaimers coming before it. But I agree feminism in some circles is running it a close second.

I find it very odd when I woman says that they're not a feminist. They are saying I don't believe that I should have equal rights and an equal place in society.

That isn't necessarily the case. There are some people who would define feminism that way, but also many, including many feminists, who would not.They would have a much more specific set of criteria based on feminist theory since the 60's, for example accepting the idea of patriarchy. Some people may not want to use the word feminist because there are elements of feminist theory that they disagree with, but they may very much believe in equality of the sexes.

“Feminism has fought no wars. It has killed no opponents. It has set up no concentration camps, starved no enemies, practiced no cruelties. Its battles have been for education, for the vote, for better working conditions, for safety in the streets, for child care, for social welfare, for rape crisis centres, women's refuges, reforms in the law. If someone says, 'Oh, I'm not a feminist', I ask, 'Why? What's your problem?”

― Dale Spender, Man Made Language

We were talking about the differences between men and women in our home lives, usual stuff having to sort everything out as we were all out tonight etc

Feminism seems to have failed you completely then. Why on earth is "having to sort everything out" so you can have a night out seen by you as "usual"?

I worked for years somewhere that sounds very similar to your workplace. There were a number of official 'initiatives' to supposedly get more women in senior positions etc. But in reality female staff very rarely actually spoke of any inequalities or mentioned the 'f' word. Any who did speak out (even in groups set up to, in theory at least, address diversity and equality) were treated as trouble causers/not team players etc and roundly disagreed with. I noticed that the few women in very senior positions were particularly vocal in shutting down any feminist discussion. Not sure if this was a case of wanting to fit in with their male peers, fear that not towing the line would damage their credibility, or perhaps that the women who were more alligned with the thinking of their male peers did better.

Just before I decided to leave, I went to the launch of a 'focus group' aimed at increasing the number of female members of staff who stayed with the business after maternity leave. The (male) director heading this up started by stating that this was to be an' inclusive and positive group' and not 'some kind of feminist man bashing gang'. Needless to say, none of the ideas they came up with really addressed the problems and they pretty much concluded that women leave after they have children because they stop being interested in their careers, or have never really been as interested as they claimed. The only ideas that they came up with were making some of the maternity pay (over and above statutory) repayable if you left within a certain number of years and getting women who have recently returned from mat leave to mentor pregnant staff on ways they can manage work and children better. So ignoring the real issues, making it financially difficult to leave, and giving new mothers yet another job. Brilliant!

I'm not surprised at all. Our culture is geared up towards the patriarchy protecting itself.

It's not any individual woman's fault, if they've been misled about what feminism is. There's a reason it's not taught at school!

They probably whinge when women take time off for pregnancy.

It is very disheartening.

I find it very odd when I woman says that they're not a feminist.

They are saying I don't believe that I should have equal rights and an equal place in society.

Which is a pretty dysfunctional opinion to have of yourself.

Yes I've found it's a difficult word to say. Not as hard as 'patriarchy' which I feel makes me into some weirdo/man-hating monster.

Ironically of course, because of the patriarchy.

You can't fix a problem if you can't name it. I'd love to go around discussing women's oppression and the need for our liberation, but I can only imagine the reaction I'd get

'but I'm a feminist and I don't hate men- I'm married to one! Imagine where we'd be if it weren't for feminism- no vote, no equal pay, not allowed to get a mortgage etc etc'

People don't realise what the word feminist means and think it's about hating men.

I usually ask such people 'do you think a man and a woman working in identical jobs deserve to get the same salary?'

And when they inevitably say yes I confirm that makes them a feminist.