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Original poster

Forced to share a room with a TW

261 replies

ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 20:24

I am in a quandary and cannot talk about this in real life so I hope some of you can understand. Some background information for explanation.
I have a hobby which is mostly male orientated but which a lot of women indulge in too. The hobby has several different ways of enjoying it, think cycling where you can compete, or go for days out, or challenge yourself, visit museums or exhibitions devoted to this hobby, etc. I also belong to several clubs for this hobby.
I met a TW who happens to like the same part of the hobby as I enjoy, so we are often together indulging our shared interest. I care for TW in the same way as I would care for any human being, but I cannot really say the TW is a friend. We have no shared experiences, TW is a bit awkward and over-sensitive socially and looks and mostly behaves like a man but because we are together so often everyone assumes that we are besties.
I have twice shared accommodation with TW on hobby trips (my choice) but I always get changed in the loo and leave the room when TW gets changed. I'm accepting that people can live however they like but males should not be in female spaces.
So, onto my dilemma. One of my clubs has organised an overnight trip to a competition with 5 men and 3 women and TW. The man organising the trip does not know TW is a TW and the two other women do not know TW is a TW. Their only contact to date is via a watsapp group and TW uses a feminine name.
I know that it will be assumed that I invited TW on the trip. But the person joined my club and booked without ever discussing it with me. Free country and all that, I cannot control who joins what club and who books on what trip, but the organiser has put us 3 women and TW in one room (cheap hostel accommodation). And I know that there will be awkwardness for the other two women when they find out they are sharing with an XY person. And I know it will come back on me because everyone assumes TW is my 'friend'.
This is a real-life example for me that we cannot allow this fiction to continue. Men cannot become women and women should not be forced to share their spaces.

OP posts:
ahumanfemale · 20/12/2019 21:39

Tell the organiser. Or organise a Skype.

But I'm betting the other women go along with it anyway, even if they don't like the situation, because they won't want to make a fuss.

pegsworth · 20/12/2019 21:39

A trans woman to me is someone who identifies as a woman. I respect that person's right to self-identify as such, and I don't feel the need to check their genitals or do a DNA test to decide whether they are woman enough.

I have a genuine question - what are we afraid of? That the trans woman will attack us if we share a room? Will sexually assault us? Some posters here suggest even sharing a bathroom is not ok, even when there are individual cubicles. What is the concern there?

I consider myself liberal and also a strong feminist. I am really troubled by what some rad fems say, and see the pain their views cause the LGBTQ community, which includes a lot of my friends.

Again, I'm really not trying to argue or rile anyone up. I've read a lot on this subject but I'm still none the wiser as to what the issue is for the minority of feminists who feel this way.

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:37

I'm going to go with Bonny's suggestion and organise a get-together before we go.
And I'm leaving this thread now. Thank you those who have understood and given good advice.

OP posts:
TheCraneWife · 20/12/2019 21:37

I think if you are happy to share a room with four strangers then a TW is unlikely to phase you

I agree. According to the OP none of these people have met in person apart from the OP and the trans woman. That to me says these are people who are comfortable with situations I'd avoid at all costs.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 20/12/2019 21:35

I would back out of this trip and let the others deal with it

Join a new club

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:34

Stinky, The TW really doesn't pass. The other women know that I know the person but don't know they are trans and it could backfire on me when they find out..."Why didn't you tell us?"

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/12/2019 21:34

Can all the posters who think they are being so cool with their "cool story bro" simply report if they think this is a troll thread rather than posting their oh so obscure snarky comments?

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 21:33

“ I'm also concerned that their husbands may object to them sharing with an XY person.”

Very overbearing of you there.

Snog · 20/12/2019 21:33

I think if you are happy to share a room with four strangers then a TW is unlikely to phase you.

StinkyWizleteets · 20/12/2019 21:31

I have a transsexual friend whom I used to share rooms with on holidays because I was the only person who knew their secret out of our friends group. I had no problems doing so at the time but I also knew them very well and we were good friends. I also wouldn’t have been naked in front of anyone at all back then. I’m still great friends with this person and I’d have no qualms about sharing again with them but not someone I didnt know very well or didn’t like very much... then again I’d feel the same with a biological female I wasn’t too keen on either although I guess I’d do it if I had to and I wouldn’t with a ransom transwoman at all.

I’m not sure I’d be outing them to the others though. That could backfire spectacularly.

dingdongmer · 20/12/2019 21:30

What's a TW?

CornedBeef451 · 20/12/2019 21:30

I think you need to tell them. I wouldn't be happy sharing with the TW at all.

Doyoumind · 20/12/2019 21:29

What's your definition of a trans woman though pegsworth? You have very little information about this person. Someone can be a trans woman and yet have undergone no medical or surgical transition. That could make some women feel uncomfortable sharing a room. It's nothing to do with transphobia. Would you be happy getting undressed in front of and sharing a room with someone like Alex Drummond just as you would with female friends?

GCAcademic · 20/12/2019 21:28

Not you, TheCraneWife - the person who dropped in to call the OP transphobic.

Original poster
ILoveJKR · 20/12/2019 21:27

I should also add that the other two women are married. I'm also concerned that their husbands may object to them sharing with an XY person.
And The Crane Wife, I have been on mumsnet since 2002

OP posts:
TheCraneWife · 20/12/2019 21:26

That's not troll hunting by the way as I assumed GCacademic was suggesting it is posters who are sceptical about this story are "new posters"

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/12/2019 21:26

I wouldn't have minded when I was younger and more trusting, but 'mortified' at being told? Really? Surely you'd just go 'oh, thanks, it's OK, I'm fine with it' and get on with your day?

Iggly · 20/12/2019 21:26

I know my female friends and I would be absolutely fine with this, and would be mortified if someone 'helpfully' warned us in advance

Not me or my friends. I know a TW who uses the ladies toilets with us and I find it uncomfortable especially as they haven’t had surgery. They still have a penis.

Despite the argument that gender is a social construct, why is the TW so insistent on using female spaces. Why?

TheCraneWife · 20/12/2019 21:24

Oh look, we now have a second new poster . . .

Whom are you referring to? The OP is a new poster. No posting history apart this thread.

I've been here for years- have used loads of different names.

pegsworth · 20/12/2019 21:23

It's not a man, it's a trans woman. I think we'll have to agree to disagree here. I wasn't trying to start an argument, I was just trying to show a possible alternative perspective - maybe the women wouldn't mind.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 20/12/2019 21:22

Hello all, just popping in with a reminder that trollhunting is against our Talk Guidelines. We can never vouch for anyone but we can say the OP is not a new poster. Please post within our guidelines (including our guidelines on transgender topics), many thanks.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/12/2019 21:22

Can we just stop with the transphobic remarks please it implies fear the op has already stated she has shared on more than one occasion she just prefers not to and didnt feel able to state a preference

NotAssigned · 20/12/2019 21:22

I'm afraid I simply wouldn't go.

FWRLurker · 20/12/2019 21:21

sigh. It’s tough.

However the longer you put up with it and say nothing, the longer that your TW acquantaince will be able to believe “well I have shared a room with other women and they don’t mind”.

You really need to say something to them. For example, “You know I don’t mind but you should be aware that many women DO and that they Are not had people for it. You should let the other women know now, so if they do mind, they can make other arrangements.”

Then even if she refuses, she at least knows that You are aware she’s trans. I actually think many trans people are in such a bubble that they don’t realize they don’t pass.

GCAcademic · 20/12/2019 21:20

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